Dissed

I heard, second hand, that a Korean acquaintance of mine had said recently about my daughter, "She's not Korean; she's a white girl!"  Why do I feel so dissed by this comment? 

Without going into excruciating, unnecessary detail, this comment was offered by Miss Kim, my step-brother's full Korean daycare provider, whom I had met with my mom about a year ago when I was seeking childcare for Honeybee.  At our meeting, Miss Kim spoke to my mom in Korean and could see with her own eyes that I was half-Korean and that Honeybee was a quarter-Korean.  She even seemed thrilled with the idea that a partially Korean girl might be enrolling in her daycare soon, adding some ethnic diversity to her otherwise lily-white clientele.

So, when I heard yesterday that my step-brother's wife had mentioned the fact that Honeybee was a quarter Korean to Miss Kim, and Miss Kim's dismissive retort was was, "Not Korean! White girl!," you might be able to understand why my hackles rose.

Being hapa, I wonder if the majority of full Koreans consider me a "white girl?" Because my daughter's Korean blood is even more dilute than mine, is it laughable to full-Koreans that I even bother to mention that my daughter is 25% Korean?  At what point does one become "white?"

I know I'm raising a complex question that I'm sure many Asian Studies dissertations have attempted to answer in 300 pages or more; and, I fully realize that Miss Kim might be an imperialist bee-yatch; but, I'd sure like to hear your feedback.

Comments

[Hannah Im]

Oh, how I can understand this one! I am 1/4 Mexican and while I can't speak Spanish, I was very influenced by my half-Mexican mother and my Mexican grandfather. Yet, I agonize when I fill out forms whether I should mark myself as (1) Hispanic, or (2) white, non-hispanic, or (3) other. Often, "other" isn't even an choice and "other" just seems so, well, generic.

Now, my son is 1/2 Korean, 1/8 Mexican, and the rest Western European. I can't tell you how many people here in Korea ask me, "So, is he Korean or American?" Even when I answer, "Both" some people press me and ask over and over again, "No! Is he Korean or American? Does he speak Korean or English?" etc. Can't people be complex realities? Do we have to be either Korean or white, no inbetween? I dislike that attitude very much.

Your daughter is what she is. She is Korean and she is also (I assume) white. At least, that is how I would view her.

[Carol M.]

Sadly, a lot of people live in a little bubble, and if you present them with an idea that doesn't exist in said bubble, they insist on trying to cram a square peg into a circle hole, whittling and chipping away the corners of the square until it fits. Because if they can't find a way to make it fit, you will destroy their nicely organized world and their brains will implode. Unfortunately their conclusions are often blurted out in some tactless fashion. I find that many of my Korean (from Korea) family members behave this way. Everything is black or white, all or nothing. Half, one quarter, five eighths, whatever, it doesn't count to them.

In an interesting juxtaposition, my in-laws from Peru constantly want to discuss various aspects about life in Korea with me. Which I keep telling them, I don't know, I'm not from there!! I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago, yo, getting Slurpees from the 7-Eleven and going to Catholic school. They, too, live in their bubble, which apparently doesn't allow them to process this information. But surely I must know everything about Korea, so what if I've never lived there.

Your daughter is not "just white". Even white people are not just white. But Miss Kim will probably never become enlightened enough to understand this. It's aggravating, but try not to get too hung up over it. She has to negate your daughter's (and essentially your) claim to a Korean identity, to preserve her own precious sense of self (I think a lot of Koreans might be like this from collectively having such a victimized history and it's just ingrained into them, but that's another topic for another time). But that's her problem. You know in your own mind - and heart - what is true.

Some food for thought: multi-racial children tend to grow up to be healthier, smarter, stronger, hardier, and usually inherit the most desirable physical traits from both parents. Don't get me wrong, I celebrate being full Korean and there's plenty to be proud of there, but it makes sense that the more diverse the gene pool, the more sophisticated the genetic makeup of the offspring. So your daughter is not just white; she's a more highly evolved human being!

This will really blow Miss Kim's circuits - Koreans (and all fellow Asians) are closely linked genetically to Eskimos, Native Americans, and the indigenous peoples throughout Central and South America. We are all fingers from the same hand, just separated by time and space.

[Amy Lee]

i think one is white when he/she starts to reap the privileges of whiteness. for mixed race people this fades in and out depending on the context of a particular moment. ultimately though, your daughter's whiteness will depend on her own identity politics, which it seems like, you will have a large role in shaping. your daughter is lucky to have a mother who can relate to such issues

but carol? "it makes sense that the more diverse the gene pool, the more sophisticated the genetic makeup of the offspring. So your daughter is not just white; she's a more highly evolved human being!" i don't even know where to begin w/ that problematic statement!

[kim-she]

As a 100% korean who's been mistaken for anything but... my explanation for that whole phenomenon is class thought. I don't think all koreans from Korea think the way Ms Kim does. Many of them are quite progressive, more so than Korean-Americans. From what I have observed many old world yang-bans want to keep the heritage as pure as possible. But there are reasons for the way people think the way they do. For me to explain requires a few chapters... so I will leave it at that.

[Carol M.]

You are very welcome - as one mom of a perfectly part-Korean child to another. The world is a much more interesting place with them in it. :-)

[Carol M.]

BTW, the comment about being more highly evolved was meant tongue in cheek. I don't know about you but my parents think that Koreans are the uber-race and you'll never convince them otherwise. But they've graciously accepted my husband since "at least he's not American" (?!?) . Whatever that means. But there is tons of bio/eco research to suggest that too much genetic uniformity leads to less adaptability to changing environmental conditions, etc. But I'm no scientist, so I could just be talking out of my butt. Have a great day everybody!

[daddy in a strange land]

This is a really interesting discussion, and I'm glad you brought it up, Twizzle. A while back, a college friend who knew me at the height of my "mixed-race activist" phase asked me if we were raising my half Filipina, quarter Japanese, quarter Jewish daughter as multiracial, since that identity had been so important to me as a hapa, or, seeing has how she was only a quarter white and predominantly multi-ethnic Asian, as Asian American. Months later, I still haven't answered him and I still haven't written the long blog post on the topic I've been thinking about.

The question and answer(s) are complex, since all these identities are constructed and contextual anyway. And I wonder if my friend's question would be different if I had married a white woman--or would it be moot, since, knowing me, he'd assume that I would definitely not let a quarter-Asian offspring forget she was a person of color? Whatever that means? :) (BTW, the friend asking the question is African American, and of course that community has its own historically complex issues with their version of that question.)

Some of the comments so far have been interesting... Multiracial people have to deal with the double-edged sword of the "hybrid vigor" stereotype so much, in the tonelessness of cyberspace it's sometimes hard to tell when someone's being serious or when it's the self-referential sarcasm we use amongst ourselves. And re: whiteness and white privilege, very thought-provoking, as our physical racial ambiguity allows others to see what they want to see and treat us thusly despite our vociferous objections, and thus we often get to experience multiple sides of this...

Anyway, just some thoughts. Gotta get writing on this more! :) Thanks for the food for thought.

[cherl]

Interesting discussion. My brothers and I are Korean/Caucasian and grew up in U.S. but have spent two of our summers with family in Korea. I remember being teased by a classmate in our U.S. grade school for being "Chinese" ("look at the little Chinese girl") and being teased in Korea by children our age for being "American". A song was popular in Korea at the time that had lyrics in English and the phrase "hello, hello Mr. Monkey" was said to us over and over and over. We heard it all summer. I was always a little confused growing up.

I'm in my mid-30s and it hasn't changed. Caucasians see me as Asian and Asians see me as Caucasian. I'm pretty sure this would hold true for my son also whose father is Caucasian.

[Alex]

I am full ethnic Korean but grew up on the East Coast in white social circles. What really irked me was when my friends would comment on how I was so well-integrated into the dominant society by saying things like, 'Oh, but you're white too!' Like it was the ultimate compliment. They had no idea how insulting it might sound.

[trish]

This discussion is interesting because my son is biracial (father black, mother white) and people either call him "mixed," "biracial," or even "black," except for Asians, who always call him white, which I find humorous. It does not matter to me, because I never classify him unless it's for some sort of form, but I have had many Asian people argue with me that he is white, so I found your story amusing.

[Anita]

All I wanted was a recipe for kimchee chigae, and instead I found a wealth of cultural info and exchange! Wow!!! I have a food blog, in Italian, and a sort of spin-off (it was the result of my attempt to wean myself off of blogs) in which I discuss cultural and identity issues. A lot of what I wrote (in Italian) is echoed here. I find this forum so fascinating, since I grew up in Canada and have two aunts who have married outside of their culture (an expression that sounds so limiting, but has a specific function in the Korean culture, I guess). I never really eat Korean food on my own, but recently a friend kindly donated two jars of her mother's kimchee, and I found myself in the predicament of stinking up the whole house with it, or cooking it in many different forms (and still stinking up the whole house). Thank you for creating this forum, and lending your varied voices to the Korean experience!!