Open Thread Thursday, and a PSA

We've had a rash of strange comments lately on Kimchi Mamas. We love comment dialogue (hence Open Thread Thursday) but several recent comments have been racist, irrelevant, and/ or just plain bizarre. We are not Dear Abby, nor are we Match.com. We're just a community of mothers writing about Korean identity, race, culture, and parenting. Please keep your comments respectful and on-topic.

Welcome to Open Thread Thursday. What's on your mind today?

--The Kimchi Mamas

Comments

[Angie in Texas]

OMG! I'm the first one to comment . . . hold on . . . okay . . .

I'm back at home now (yesterday was my last day of officework - I'm off the books at the end of the month). Anyhow I wanted to get ya'lls opinion on talking to your kids about *money*.

We're gonna be alright with money IF we stay on budget, but part of the reason I bring this up is because when I was younger, my parents NEVER talked to me about money and budgeting and responsible spending . . . and I can see how it has affected my life.

What about you? Any suggestions?

[twizzle]

Hi Angie,

I KNOW I'm gonna talk about money w/ my daughter because I find myself doing it already and she' s only 2.5. I say things like, "Don't throw your waffle on the floor, Honey, because that is a waste of food, which costs money, which means that Daddy and Mummy have to work even HARDER to support our family! Okay - I exaggerate a bit, but I do think teaching kids the value of a buck, and equating "stuff" with "hard work" is a good thing.

[honglien123]

Thanks for bringing this up Angie! My parents never talked to me about money either and my daughter is starting to learn about money in school (ie What's a nickel, what's a dime, how many dimes equal one dollar, etc.) I know I want to take this opportunity to teach her about the value of a dollar, but I'm not quite sure how to really do it without confusing the heck out of her. I too will be waiting with baited breath over what everyone suggests for this.

I was thinking about an allowance for simple chores (rather than just praise). I never received an allowance but would this teach the value of money? Or, would it teach them more about quid pro quo and doing things for profit rather than for the sake of doing them? As usual my neurotic side prevents me from making rational parenting decisions.

[Mama Nabi]

PN has already started talking to LN about money... but then he's a Republican. Ha, ha. Actually, this does bring up an interesting dilemma - PN and I have totally opposite view of possessive pronouns at home and fiscal upbringing. PN always says "That's Daddy's xxx" and I always have to correct him, that it's "ours". He tried to tell LN that she lives in Mommy's and Daddy's house... and that irked me. What, she's going to ask her friends if they'd like to come play at her parents' house?
He was also brought up where he had his pocket money as well as an earning system, i.e. do a chore around the house for a dollar or two. I was brought up where I did not have pocket money; my parents had to approve of any purchase I made since I had to ask for money each time I needed any. Doing house chores was also part of what we had to do as active members in the family - we didn't do them for money but to help our parents out.
My mom always thought that money was degrading topic of discussion, that yang-bans did not talk of money issues in polite society. So I know I do have weird ideas about monetary priorities... for example, I am willing to spend a ridiculous amount of money for a really good meal (or cake) - my mom's motto was, You're never too poor to have an enjoyable meal.
I'd like to balance both our money ideals. LN should have a set pocket money. Chores around the house should not be motivated by money (You help out because we feed, clothe, and shelter you, dammit!) The necessities will be paid for. Certain luxuries will be bought for her upon careful inspection and analysis of pros and cons. A portion of her pocket money should go into a savings account (from which she can make occasional withdrawals with our permission) and the rest, she can use for miscellaneous things like going to a movie with friends, buying something little.
I don't know - does that sound too strict or too lax? I think, for most part, Korean parents tend to think that their money is also their children's money (of course that comes with a price) and that can lead to lack of money managing skills, especially at college. I've bounced/floated so many checks - for what, pizzas and beer?

[Nina]

My parents never talked to me about money either. They were always stressed about money, but they always told me "don't worry about it. It's not your concern"

I defintely want to talk to my kids about money, but again...I'm not sure how to either. I'm thinking about an allowance based on chores, but I echo Honglien's concerns about it as well. I'm thinking that it'll get especially important as they become teenagers and start having more independence, part-time jobs, etc.

When I got married I didn't know anything about finances. NOTHING. Now I've taken over all our finances (except doing taxes because, ugh!) and it was a pretty steep learning curve from not knowing anything at all. But it's totally empowering, and I want my kids to know how to take control over their money and their finances and not feel like it's something they have no control over. Okay, now I'm sounding like Suze Ormand so I'll just stop.

BTW, I saw her on TV the other night...she's like a televangalist. It was pretty crazy.

[myuneuri]

I was very lucky to have parents that taught me a lot about money. We always had an allowance. It was not based upon chores per se, but if you didn't do your chores you certainly didn't get allowance. We also learned about banking early. Both of us put our allowance in savings accounts and took out only what we needed to buy or to do specific things. Summer jobs in the teenage years were a must. Our parents each gave us money for our retirement funds in our late teen years so that we could learn to invest.
We will do the same for our kids.

[carol]

Same boat as most of you - nothing was discussed. The only real-world teaching I got about money was what happens when your parents let it run out ... I had no appreciation or sense of gratitudefor what had to be done in order to support a family, provide and keep a home, maintain things like cars, etc. I was the quintessential spoiled Korean-American brat. Well, until we didn't have anything anymore, that is. But even still, no matter how little my parents had in the end, they would always offer what they could to me, and never directly asked for anything in return. Which is not to say that they didn't ask to borrow money, but they never held it over my head that I was living under their roof, etc.

Definitely want to discuss money in conjunction with work, though, since that's where our money comes from. At the same time I agree with MN, that everyone in a family should contribute to household chores simply because we all live together and should want to help each other out and keep our home nice, as well as be responsible for taking good care of personal belongings.

Also to MN's point - I always found it disconcerting when my mostly white American friends would say that they were not welcome to return to their parents' home after graduating from college. One of them, her father just flat out told her, we'll support you up to age 18, and we'll pay for college, but after that you've got to be on your own. A month after graduation (we were still living in our shared apt) her parents were calling her to take away stuff that they boxed up for her from her old room. I was like, wow - what can you say to that? While I agree at a certain point children ought not to think of their parents house as theirs anymore (thinking of the 30-year-olds that still live in the parents' home), it seems so severe to just lock the doors on them because they've reached the legal age of adulthood. There's got to be an in-between. I would want my children to know they can always come home if they need to, but I don't want them to prime them for being freeloaders and leeches, either.

[RobynT]

I received an allowance growing up, not related to chores. It probably started when my brother and I were in elementary school and we got 50c/wk. at age 5, 60c at age 6, etc. (This waas in the mid-'80s.)

When we got into high school, we would get our lunch money in our allowance too. I think it was up to maybe $15/wk then, but about half of it was to buy lunch.

Also, this was mostly "fun" money for like movies, CDs, etc. My parents paid for clothes, school fieldtrips, and stuff. (Of course this got difficult with my sister who is a clothes horse with very expensive taste.)

My best friend was more on the system of just asking for money when she needed it and from what I heard, every weekend, she and her mom would haggle over how much she would get. That did not sound fun.

But back to my little sister, I think that being the oldest and growing up at a time when my parents had less money made me more cautious with money than her. Not sure if there's a way around this.

[kim]

Same here - I knew that money was to be used very carefully growing up but I never had any kind of regular allowance. Purchases that needed to be made (school clothes, books, art supplies) were approved / paid for immediately and fun stuff was usually reserved for holidays, birthdays and report card time. Hubby was raised similarly, but his folks considered much less to be necessary (esp. not toys!).

I definitely appreciated the freedom (and responsibility) that came along with my high school jobs and the associated cash flow. We're going to recommend that for our kids, assuming they can achieve a good balance between that and academics / extracurriculars. But until then... I do like the idea of a regular allowance, but I want them to know that chores are just a part of family life and should be done regardless of any monetary reward. I also want to teach about saving money / savings accounts and giving money to charitable causes too. I'm eager to see if anyone has any success stories to share!

[Katherine]

I am sorry if I am off topic. However, I do want to say that though the comment made by the the man whose life left him according to him sounded a bit harsh regarding the korean culture (in last's weeks open Thrs). I do not see how the other comments were racist. I feel as though I will have to censor what I say for now on. And I do not like that. I did in fact posted things regarding my ex's mother however I was not in anyway not respectful of the korean culture.

just my two cents. I am sure you guys can block anyone you wish so I do not understand the warning.

[Angie in Texas]

I feel like this is an issue that has many answers for many different families . . . I guess one of my problems is that the X-IL's are constantly underminding my efforts (they buy what ever no matter what the price when ever) . . .

when i was younger there was no allowance. we did chores because . . . well because! ;-) but my parents were always reasonable about giving us what they had . . . but then again i rarely asked for it (i've been working since i was 12) . . .

[Rachel]

Katherine, it wasn't about you. There were a number of strange/ hostile comments in the past couple of weeks. I don't want to link them because I think that only encourages trolling. We are just trying to keep KMs a safe, welcoming community for people who are genuinely interested in talking about Korean culture, identity, and parenting.

[carol]

Katherine, just reiterating what Rachel said - we're getting a lot of weirdos who want to use this as a platform to dump their (mostly) racist views and don't really care about contributing to understanding and appreciating what this community is about. Thoughtful debate is one thing, but there have been rude and inflammatory verbal attacks on our writers, community members and guests. We don't want to encourage that behavior here, or start getting the reputation as a place to do that. We're just a group of mommies! We want everyone to play nice. :-)

[Glennia]

We give our 6 year old an allowance and have since he was 3 or 4. It's not for doing chores, just for his contribution to being part of our family. When we go to the store, he has to bring his wallet along and if he wants something (other than food or clothing), he has to buy it. He no longer whines about wanting toys, since he knows that if he has the money he can buy it; if not, he'll have to save for it. I think he understands now how long it takes to save money. When we travel, we give him a little extra for souvenirs and gifts for his friends, and he earns extra for helping with big chores. My husband and I both grew up in families where we got a small allowance, so it seemed natural for us.

And Katherine...you are welcome here. I think a lot of people sympathize with your Korean MIL story. The warning was more a general statement of what's acceptable in all comments.