Biting my tongue: Weighing pros and cons of reacting to insensitivity

(Although this is a great fodder for a rant on my personal blog, a site with no holds barred, I thought the incident did deserve some thoughtful consideration from a wider audience as I was sure a situation similar in flavor, if not context, has happened to many, if not all, of you.  Trust me, it hurts not to verbally b*tch-slap the incident in my own *sweet* fashion.)

As some of you may know, I have recently and indirectly acquired some new in-laws, as in my sister got married last weekend.  Most of them (from Chicago or Seattle area) were very nice, they all loved Little Nabi as a flower girl, made my sister feel welcome, and it was mostly all good.

My sister's new sister-in-law, the woman who's married to her new husband's youngest brother, is... to be polite about it, not exactly classy.  I will call her L.  I had heard about L and another potential future sister-in-law snubbing my sister (as they are both from Minnesota) and treating her like crap.  Apparently, when they first met, L asked my new BIL, "Is she [pointing at my sister who was sitting right there] Vietnamese?"  As it was my sister's wedding day, I curbed my sharp tongue and stayed out of any controversial situation... then, towards the end, L came right up to me as I was watching LN dance her little booty off.

L:  She's adorable!  What a cutie!  How old is she?
Me: Almost 2.
L:  Oh, I keep telling T [her husband, BIL's youngest brother] that I'm going to go to China and adopt one.  He doesn't believe I'm serious.

EXCUSE ME?  Okay, so she has 3 boys... she's talking about wanting a little girl, I get that.  Why bring up China?  Why bring up adoption?  Why talk about it, in relation to my daughter, as though she's casually talking about going to a store and picking up a new handbag?

I bit my tongue.  I had so many accusations ready to fly out of my mouth that I literally turned my body away from her so I could repress my burning anger.  When I turned back to her:

Me: Yes, she really is a joy.  We are actually planning on moving to Korea to live there for a few years for a different exposure.  We've had some issues with small minded Minnesotans as far as race and her biracial status and people saying rude things.
L:   Oh, really?  I'm from Minnesota [ah, yes, exactly] and, well, yeah, I don't remember seeing other races when I was growing up but it looks like there's a lot these days so I'm surprised to hear you say that.
Me: Well, many small town people are moving closer to the metro area and they bring their prejudices.  There are many recent immigrants from Laos and Vietnamese around here and a lot of people still lump them and any other Asians as foreigners.
L:  Who?  The Vietnamese or Americans?
Me: [pause... WHAT?] Um... I mean the white Minnesotans.

Papa Nabi and I rolled our eyes and figured she was pretty drunk and stupid.  Next day, as her boys, who were such sweet well-behaved and well-mannered boys (she did raise them well, I must admit), were surrounding LN in big brotherly protective adoration, L and T both marveled at how cute LN is... then there it was again:  T asked, "So did [L] tell you how she keeps threatening to go to China and adopt a girl?" 

I wish I had said something about their not being qualified to be good transracial adoptive parents.  I think they may have thought that they're complimenting me and LN, as in, hey, even we want a little Asian girl.  Why did they have to sound as if they are thinking about getting a new pet for their boys?

It would have been in poor form if I even tried to explain why their choices of words and tone were offensive to me; my sister, who agreed that they were offensive, would have been hurt if I couldn't control my tongue and started an argument.  My mom would have started a lecture that would still be going right now.  It just was neither the place nor the time.  It would have been easier if the words came from total strangers... or if they were my own in-laws.  I had neither the personal intimacy nor the complete stranger freedom.

Yet, it bugs me since, by my silence, I have opened wide that door and I have allowed these people, whom I may very likely see again, to think and talk of adopting a Chinese girl whenever they see LN.

Was there any other way?  How would you have dealt with something similar?  Or, if you have been in situations in same vein, what did you do or wish you had done differently?

-Mama Nabi

Comments

[harlowmonkey]

Mama Nabi, is there anything you really could have said or done that might have made them think more about their comment to adopt from China and the implications of that? I struggle with this all the time. Sometimes people just aren't in a place to be educated about the issue and if you don't know someone well, then they might shut down any attempt to discuss it civilly.

I had an instance where a casual friend of mine was really interested in adopting African American kids from the foster care system. Even knowing all my personal struggles as a transracial adoptee, she point blank asked me what I thought about the idea. I didn't know what to say!! (This was a few years ago, before I knew how to talk about transracial adoption).

You were in a very tricky position. I'm not sure I would have done.

[honglien123]

I think you did the right thing by biting your tongue MN. It sounds like your new in laws aren't really aware that what their talk about adoption around you is hurtful.

I've been in a situation where I was the person saying something hurtful to my friend who is white when our friendship was still new. She saved her comment after we knew each other better and asked me why I what I was thinking when I made my comment, which, to be honest, I had no idea and apologized immediately. I don't know if her approach was the best approach, but got a chance to get to know each other before we dealt with any racial issues. I think we're better off because we discussed it later as any early discomfort may have hindered my wanting to engage her as a friend early on.

[carol]

Oh, where to start here. What does LN have anything to do with ... gah! ... I'm surprised they didn't just outright say, hey, we want one of them oriental babies, too, would you be a surrogate mother for us? They probably couldn't wait to bring it it up with you, since you obviously have so much you can relate to (even though LN is not adopted - or Chinese). Even if they have noble reasons for wanting to adopt from China specifically, the fact that they opened with this remark already shows a lack of emotional intelligence that I think is required to deal with the emotional costs of transracial adoption. Sigh. :-(

This incident is not far off from what happened to eliaday recently, and many other instances where first conversations, wherever and however they may occur, in which "being Asian" seems to inevitably be brought up by the other (mostly non-Asian) party. And then the Asian-child-as-accessory thing. I just don't even know what to say. Did these new in-laws mention to any of the other guests they just met for the first time ever that they plan to adopt a Chinese child? I bet not.

I don't know what I would have said or done, but I think you handled it well. You didn't just politely go along with it, and you managed to change the subject, point out that you and LN are not Chinese at all, and talk about the racism and ignorance that you encounter - all in just a couple sentences without shaming anyone (although there are some that sorely deserve it). They will probably never understand why what they said (and will say again, undoubtedly) was rude, and, although they'll never believe it, racist, and shows an utter lack of awareness. But, despite this, you didn't outwardly shake, cry, and yell in a high-pitched trembly voice (which is probably what I would have ended up doing), and you didn't rip and shred the other person down for saying something stupid (very merciful I must add). I am sorry this happened in what should have been a happy occassion. But, you brought some things to the surface that L obviously has never had to think about. What she does with it, who knows. But ya did good.

[Mel]

I am an adoptive parent and I have had to deal with some very rude comments from time to time. I think the first thing to keep in mind is that many people are just plain uneducated and say the dumbest things.
Years ago I was holding my daughter (who is from Korea) and an umbrella in my arms and a lady came up to me looking straight at my adorable daughter and said, "I want to get one of those!" I just looked right back at her and said,"An UMBRELLA? They are handy to have in the rain!" She didn't say another word.
The key is to educate, keep from answering in anger, and don't take it too hard. It wasn't a bad person saying things to hurt you and your daughter, it was someone who just didn't know any better.

[kim]

I think you handled yourself quite gracefully, MN - this was definitely not the right time or place to delve deeper into the issue, especially with such new (extended) family members. L is obviously very ignorant about a lot of things, and I bet she thinks she was complimenting / embracing you by making the comments that she made. I think you've actually got a good opportunity here - chances are, you'll run into these folks again. Since it always seems impossible to come up with a good response / comeback on the spot, you've got the benefit of advance notice and this forum on your side. You'll have a chance to articulate a well thought out response to save in your pocket for the next time you and L cross paths. Best to be cordial about it - after all, these folks are family now (and no one needs to add to their family grievances, right? I think we all have plenty!).

If this topic comes up again, maybe you can refer them to some sites that discuss transracial adoption (and the adoptees point-of-view) to see if it inspires any education on their part. That way, you're just being the supportive, helpful family member... who, in reality, is showing them just how little they know.

[Angie in Texas]

Good Angie says: In light of the situation, I think you made the right decision to hold your tongue . . . but as you get to know their family a little better and if (when) this topic of conversation continues to come up THEN you can say something.

Not-so-good Angie says: It's inappropriate of L to talk like that! I can't stand it when people say sh*t like that! Argghh!!! Congrats for not giving her the tongue lashing she deserved! . . .

[teresa]

You handled it beautifully. Those people were just ignorant. Perhaps if you hear this type of comment again, you could reply that you have been threatening to adopt a white trash child.

[carol]

Teresa: *chuckles*! Now that's a good one.

[Summer]

I want to say that you did the right thing by biting your tongue, after all, it was a joyous occasion for your sister...

But the next time (rolling eyes smiley needed), because we all know there will be a next time, I do think that you will need to speak up.

Adoption. That word is the reason why I did not enjoy living in Korea. More than once I have been approached by people making assumptions that I am the nanny, or that I adopted "unwanted children" from Korean orphanages.

I think that the only time that I ever blew up at someone is when an older ajamme complimented me on "adopting" my older son.
She told me that I was wonderful woman for adopting mixed babies from Korea, especially the ones broken. My eldest son was born with a cleft lip/subcutaneous cleft palate.

I told her he wasn't adopted. He was mine. I birthed him. I birthed my daughter. God must've put me in her path to teach us both a lesson...I figured out mine, I would have to leave her to figure out hers.

She told me she was sorry, but I wasn't taking any of it. My son is far from broken.

It is interesting that you posted this today because I have just scheduled his next surgery, this is something that I did not want him to face going into kindergarten, so we are going to fix his nose a bit, and hopefully re-work his scar so it is a little less noticeable. With that, and the your story, it still pains me today. I am crying.

Next time, just let her have it. Children aren't handbags. Their lives are precious, their existence should never be questioned, and they aren't meant for convenience.

[Jae Ran]

What a sad comment on our society that people feel they can just randomly walk up to the parent of an Asian child and say things like "I want to get me one of them."

[mox]

I think you did the right thing staying quiet during the event. She probably had no malicious intent saying those things...so when you have the chance to verbally bitch slap her back, you can extend her the same courtesy of being "oblivious". Two of my friends' mothers have independently "complimented" me on how ROUND my eyes were (complete with circular hand gestures) or how big my husband's eyes were at separate bbq parties. We're both Korean with nasty tempers, but can be very well-behaved when the sun is out and we're surrounded by friends who are equally as drunk as we are...well I might retract that quality for my husband. I had to hold him back after each occasion now that I think about it. The point is, our friends were mortified by their mothers and I honestly believe that their moms were trying to be nice. It helped that they adored my son who was really little then. Slippery slope though, next time, I may not be as gracious (idle threat). I love that my husband can stand up for both of us - I've never been good with a timely comeback. I still get that acid taste of anger in my throat every couple of months when some random person accuses me of being Chinese in some form or another...and I thought it would be different living New York.

[Kyong]

MN - I think by continuing the conversation with her, you've let her see that her "compliment" isn't one. It's good to keep things civil and cordial bc you are family now. But you were still honest when answering her questions about why you're considering a move to Korea (i.e. getting away from small-mindedness of some people in current residence). It's a case where you maybe got her to go, "Hmmm..." Though to hear the same "we want to adopt a girl from China" comment just moments later from her husband would totally test anybody's goodwill.

[Songsangnim]

MN, As most of the previous comments have mentioned, you did a good thing by holding your tongue just for the sake of your sister's wedding day. I'm biracial myself (half Korean and half white) and I grew up hearing the comments and getting the stares from both sides. I learned over the years that it is truly just ignorance on the people's part who say such ridiculous things as "L" did. There are some people who are just flat out hateful as well. I am proud of my heritage...and both cultures that I am blessed to be a part of. I just want to let you know though, that moving to Korea isn't going to make things better either. I understand in some predominately "white" (or any other community where asians are the minority) towns in the US you can encouter the ignorance and racism, but in Korea, based on my personal experience it's even worse and it's all over. Thankfully, it has become a little more accepting in some areas (mainly the cities). I just wanted to give you a heads up on that notion because I didn't want you to have the false belief that the racism disappears over there. That even happens in the "Koreatowns" here in the US. For some reason, many Koreans and Asians just stare and look down on the mixed children based on the stereotypes from the wars. Everyone is not like that of course in both Asian and Non-Asian communities. But what has got me through it all is my faith in God and my parents. My parents always made sure that I am proud of who I am and that I take the best from both cultures to make up who I am. They showed me that it is a blessing to be a part of two cultures so I can understand the differences in others; therefore, I avoid making ignorant comments like "L" and I am more educated. I would advise you to be civil with your new relatives and take the time to educate them. It is going to require a lot of patience and when they say something ignorant, don't take it personal. The way I look at it is, I feel sorry for those kind of people because they really miss out on so much of the world that is out there. Think of it as an opportunity to help bring awareness about the issue...just one person at a time. You're going to come across it a lot, but you're going to have to be strong for your daughter's sake. If you fight back everytime, you're daughter may get the impression that something is wrong with her, and of course that is not true. As long as your daughter has a strong relationship with you and her dad, then she should be very comfortable with both sides. Definitely teach her about both cultures so she doesn't feel "lost." And if you haven't already, I would suggest teaching her Korean. That will really help her as she grows older and interacts with the Korean community. They seem to be more accepting when you know about the culture and can speak the language. And of course you teach her your heritage and she can be proud to be a part of that. And her dad should to the same with his family's customs, etc. Just pray for wisdom, strength, and patience. I know you must know this, but the best advice I could give in terms of protecting your daughter from the racism is, just make sure she knows she's loved and God made her very special and perfect as she is. Best wishes for you and your family.

[mothergoosemouse]

I'd like to think that I would have been so horrified by the off-handed comments about adopting from China that I would have given her the bewildered look she deserved and buried her with questions. And then when she inevitably admitted that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about, I'd take the opportunity to tell her that such off-hand comments are probably not appropriate.

But considering how I froze in a recent situation myself, I don't think I'd have been able to handle it nearly as gracefully as you did. I have to admire your poise.

[bildekor]

Quite nicely written actually, i like it. :)

[Agree]

mama nabi its not transracial adoption, its transracial abduction!!!