The E Word

Metrodad's latest post reminded me of how often I've heard people call my daughter "exotic". She was only a few months old the first time someone said it, and I can't count how many times I've heard it since then. I know it's meant as a compliment, but it rubs me the wrong way. It reduces her to race. It implies foreignness, when my daughter is no more foreign than the average tow-headed kid from Ohio. It makes me think of Bai Ling, and all the other hyper-sexualized Asian characters in bad Hollywood movies. It puts her in a box. Yes, she is pretty (don't all parents think their kids are beautiful?) but she is so much more than that.

For those of you who are Asian or have Asian kids, when you hear the "e" word, do you take it as a compliment or does it piss you off?

--Weigook Saram

Comments

[MetroDad]

Totally pisses me off.

[daddy in a strange land]

Pisses me the fuck off. ;)

[twizzle]

Being a hapa female, I've been called "exotic" all my life. I've never minded that characterization - in fact, I rather eat it up. Maybe I'm weird (or a whore for attention), but I WANT to stand out from the sea of WASPs in which I live. I take the compliment at face value and nothing more.

[kim]

LOL, me too, Twizzle - I'm okay with someone saying it about me. On the other hand, I'd rather not hear it about my daughter. Bizarre, eh?

[Kate]

A woman in a restaurant once "hoped I wouldn't be offended" and then said that my daughter looked like a geisha. Why would having my infant daughter compared to a prostitute offend me? Srsly, people.

[Linda]

I've never heard anyone refer to my daughter as "exotic" but I would probably be offended. It doesn't seem like a kid friendly word to me - a little creepy, actually.

However, to be unfair, it would probably depend on who is saying it. If a white person said that, I would probably be put off by it but if another Asian said it, I might take it as a compliment.

I have actually had people refer to me as something similar to exotic but ironically it has come from other Koreans. Apparently having a large nose counts as exotic?

[honglien123]

My friend and I had once walked down a grocery store isle, speaking to each other in Viet when a large white man turned a corner, looked lustily at us and said, "That sounds so exotic!"

That's just one example. It doesn't piss me off so much as creeps me out. I don't hear it as often when referring to men. To think that myself, my friend, my sister, my daughter could be reduced to a foreign fetish is sickening.

[JaeRan]

I'm on the "pisses me off" side. It's hard enough to be protective of your blossoming she-child these days without the icky asian-fetish stares/comments. Especially when said daughter is getting to look older than her age. Yikes. I was only a year older than my daughter when I had my first encounter with an asian fetishist who first tried to say hello in Japanese, then tried Korean (and when I stared blankly, he said, you ARE Korean, aren't you? When I said yes, he chided me for not knowing how to speak Korean.)

I'm getting creeped out just thinking about this.

So how does one teach their children to be aware of asian fetishists but not completely cynical towards all men? I'm open to ANY suggestions - (my 13-year old would be mortified!)

[kathy]

I am half asian and while growing up I got this a lot. I think it is an "old school" term like oriental. Kids now are so used to different ethnic/mixed backgrounds. Anyway, my Korean mother didn't like it, but, I remember thinking that it was neat...and different. To a white person exotic means just that...strikingly unusual or unique. I guess it's the motivation behind the words that means the most - creepy or sincere.

[Superha]

I don't think I or my 2 year old daughter have ever been called exotic, but I would hate it. Just because you're Asian doesn't automatically make you exotic. If I had to pick someone, I'd say that Bai Ling might look exotic, per se. Then, there are others like Grace Park who are beautiful, but not exotic in my opinion. In the future, I'll definitely be teaching our girl to avoid creepy people who use that word on her. Hope it never happens. Never liked the word, never will.

[Didi]

I don't think we've heard Noodle called "exotic", but we do get "she looks just like a doll!", which annoys me to no end.

[Jin-Hee]

Fucking pisses the shit out of me! (and glad to see that the first two posters feel the same way!) It is always a white person, almost always a white male, and the context is always that I’m the one who's different. Several years ago, my (white) husband and I were watching one of the Real World episodes (Seattle?) in which one of the white guys called the Korean woman "exotic." We both just about fell off the couch laughing. My husband asked, "This guy is an American and he has never met an Asian-American woman before? Does he live under a rock? Why is SHE the exotic one? Has he ever thought that HE might be the exotic one?”

The “exotic” comment is just so revealing about gender and race. As honglien123 pointed out, you never hear the comment in reference to an Asian guy, and, as I have noticed, it almost always seems to come out of the mouth of a white guy. Whenever someone uses that word, I just want to say, “Are you shitting me? What the hell are you trying to say?” The fact that the person DOESN’T recognize all the connotations of that word or understand where the comment is coming from (a narrow-minded viewpoint on their part) just makes me more pissed off. It only indicates how homogeneous the world this person inhabits must be, that encountering an Asian woman is like stumbling on a unicorn. Ugh!

[happybell]

I rememeber once, when I was a little girl, my mom's best friend told me my eyes were exotic-looking and that made them even more beautiful... Then she added that I should pay no notice of those stupid kids that looked SO "common". (She was trying to boost my ego and confidence after I ran home crying cause some kids mocked me by streching their eyes so that they looked "chinese".)

Anyway, I do get that comment mainly about my eyes or my name, not so much about my general appearance.It does piss me off at times, depending on who says it. Usually, people mean well, they just can't think of any better adjective.

Never being call a "doll", but here in Uruguay all little girls (under 5 or so) get the "Oh, she looks just like a doll" comment A LOT. Of course it would be different if the comment was "chinese doll", etc,etc - that's just racist.

[happybell]

About what Jin-Hee said: "It only indicates how homogeneous the world this person inhabits must be, that encountering an Asian woman is like stumbling on a unicorn."
Well, here it is THAT rare!!! And yes, some ass***** do stare as if they've never seen an Asian before...feel so sorry for them...

[Ka_Jun]

Pissed off with the white hot righteous fury of an Angry Asian Dad.

You should respond, "Oh, that's so nice. Your kid looks so mundane, and perhaps even pedestrian."

[Zelda]

I think people who are offended by this sort of thing are overreacting...what a middle-class luxury, to be able to get so upset over such trivial matters.

It just doesn't matter.

[Zelda]

Also--I have heard people use the term "exotic" to refer to people of EVERY race...Venezuelan (like me), Swedish, Irish, South African, etc. Just because some dirty old men have an "Asian fetish" doesn't mean that every time someone innocently compliments your child, they're imagining her in a kiddie porn video.

[twizzle]

Just wanted to add that I, myself, LIKE being called exotic because I LIKE being different and even fetishized. (At 40+, you take what you can get!) If someone were to use fetishistic or sexualized language about my daughter, however, I'd be mortified. And, I do understand how exotic can have unwelcome, sexual connotations, as in "exotic dancer."

[harlowmonkey]

I don't like "exotic" because it translates as "other". I'm special enough without having it used to categorize me in an "other" way or used to fetishize.

It goes back to being objectified both as an woman, an Asian woman, and something not deserving to be just "human" but that has to be somehow qualified.

[Kevin]

Zelda,

Good to know that there are still many people out there that continue to spew forth an opinion without fully understanding the significance of history and how certain words and phrases were used to stereotype and dehumanize others.

[Mama Nabi]

As Jin-Hee commented, I don't think I've been called 'exotic' by a white woman, definitely not by other Asians... ah, yes, it's always a white man who finds me exotic.

Here're some definitions for "exotic" I found:
1. From another part of the world; foreign:
2. Intriguingly unusual or different; excitingly strange
3. Of or involving striptease: an exotic dancer.
n.
1. One that is exotic.
2. A striptease performer.

Hm. So, if someone were to say LN is 'exotic', none of the above definitions appeal to me, as a parent, as a description of my child, my daughter. It is one thing to describe an object as exotic, i.e. a piece of art/craft or even a location - but not my baby! Men who say the word 'exotic' have put so much sexual content into the word that it can't be anything but offensive to me.

I guess the answer is that it'd piss me right off if a man said that about LN.

[Mama Nabi]

Zelda, it DOES matter and it's not so trivial when it's directed at your own daughter. As twizzle added:"...I, myself, LIKE being called exotic because I LIKE being different and even fetishized. (At 40+, you take what you can get!) If someone were to use fetishistic or sexualized language about my daughter, however, I'd be mortified." - I, too, would easily ignore being called "exotic" whether creepy/sleazy or even tad Eurocentric.
A dad once told me that the reason why fathers tend to be overprotective of their daughters is because they know exactly what other men think since they thought those thoughts themselves before they became fathers. (I think other dads have echoed the same sentiment...) I certainly don't think that sense of protection makes us a brood of bellyaching bourgeoisie parents - in fact, my own bourgeoisie bellyaching activities are very obviously shallow, unlike worrying about unwarranted and unwanted racial and sexual roles designated to my daughter at an extremely tender age of two.

[Zelda]

Kevin,

I will try not to spew my opinions anymore...spewing is such a rude way to express oneself. But I don't think any of us fully understand the significance of history--that's a tall order!

I just think that you should not leap to take offense if someone calls you or your children (or spouse, mother, sister, whatever) "exotic". I DON'T mean that if a dirty old man leers at you and your gorgeous daughter and says lustily, "My my, isn't she exotic!" that you don't have the right to call him a lecherous creep and walk away. I just think that scenario is more the exception than the rule.

It is completely natural for people to put other people in boxes with labels, especially if the people are "foreign" or "exotic" to us. For example, MOST of us are not homosexual or handicapped. MOST of us in the United States are not Korean, or Japanese, or Jamaican, or Venezuelan, or Cuban (although the numbers of immigrants rises every day, which I hope continues to be a tradition of this country). It's normal for people, particularly white Americans, to view people of another race as "different" from themselves. It's natural, not malicious most of the time, and not something that bothers me.

It is human nature to take notice of things and people that are different from ourselves. I think we all need to remember that and not rush to label someone a racist or a pervert when they are probably neither. I'm sorry if this is an issue that I "should not be talking about" since I am not of Asian descent...maybe that's why my comments ruffled some feathers.

And worrying about these kinds of things *IS* a middle class luxury. Other people worry about putting food on the table, keeping clothes on their children and keeping a roof over everyone's heads. But I guess it's all relative...we worry about and are concerned about the things that we can afford to be concerned about, and I suppose that's normal. A little perspective is never a bad thing.

[Mama Nabi]

I don't consider having to worry about racial hostility of ANY kind toward my daughter is a luxury. Yes, I guess it is all relative... despite my luxurious life of worrying over trivial thing, I do worry about food, shelter, and clothing as well. If I could afford to live where there is diversity, I would - instead, we will stay here until we can afford to leave.
Zelda, it's not your opinion regarding 'exotic' that offends or ruffles - it's the fact that you presumptuously lumped us as a certain economic/social class of people for discussing this topic. Are you saying that people who are lower or lower middle class cannot afford to be concerned about such topics? What, I should be too busy counting my pennies to participate in this 'luxury'?

[Angie in Texas]

i can see zelda's POV in that there are people who have "more pressing" things to worry about than a derogatory (perceived or not) term, but is it fair for those who are less fortunate? those that cannot afford such luxuries are sadly more often the ones who have to bear the grunt of this ignorance . . . should the economically challenged young asian female be forced into prostitution because she is seen by (relatively) wealthier euro-caucasian men as "exotic" or should her family starve? i know some people may find that a leap, but it is the dehumanization of a race of people that allows atrocities to occur - it all begins somewhere . . . and usually it begins with someone turning their back on people who are less fortunate . . .

[Nina]

Zelda, I think the reason why your "middle class luxury" comment is so offensive is because it is so dimissive. If it really "doesn't matter", then why are you taking the time to comment? According to your standards, this whole blog is a "middle class luxury." Maybe it is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter, that these issues aren't important. It may not be as an immediate concern as feeding our kids, but once we've done that, will we have permission to worry about racism and ignorance after that?

[sarah jane rhee]

Zelda, I think that you are entitled to your opinion. You could have maybe phrased it a bit more diplomatically, as the internet is infamous for creating misunderstandings among its participants. Maybe if we'd been face to face having this discussion, and I could see that you weren't saying this to be bitchy, I wouldn't have been offended.

That being said, I think that whatever people call our children within their earshot should be of concern to us as parents, esp. the kids who are old enough to understand and retain and begin to form an identity based on what they hear. I have problems enough with people focusing so much on my daughter's appearance. Last thing I want is a self-immersed narcissist who is totally dependent on what other people think of her (particularly her looks). Yes, she's very cute. But she can also run like the wind, she's got a cracking good sense of humor, she's caring and affectionate, she can sing a lovely song, etc.

[Carol]

Hey all ... sorry I have been so absent lately. I'm glad I had a chance to catch up with lots of you this week, and this post and all the comments! As a contributor to this blog I feel I should repeat again, as I've done in the past:

This is a blog created by and for mostly Korean-American moms (and parents of Korean or part Korean-descent children, and our supportive friends). This is a safe place for us to talk about the things that matter to US. Do we have a different point of view in raising our children and deal with issues that other parents never even think about or care about? Sure. Do the things that matter to us matter to others? Of course not. But we have so few places online (and in some cases, no places in real life) where we can connect with each other. I ask that our guests respect that and not immediately dismiss our discussions - because they do matter to us. If it doesn't matter to you, then great, I'm sure there are other blogs where your viewpoint is well-represented, so go and enjoy. We don't have *that* luxury. Not just Zelda's comment but anyone who wants to be a part of our community, without understanding the context or relating to the issues that we face in raising our children, not sharing our common experiences or at least being somehow connected to our community - you're bound to get some passionate rebuttal. You get what you give, my friends.

I will say it as many times as necessary.

That said, this middle-class whiner is not f'ing pissed off, I'm just regular pissed off. :-) It's just sounds so dated now. I do have random people come up to me very curious to know "what is he?" meaning racial mix. I just wonder if we can ever get past race, and just see children as children, not objects?

Twizzle: Personally I never liked being singled out as a hit on target because someone liked my looks based on my race ... but I'm not 40 yet. :-D

[kdad]

I may or may not be disturbed by my daughter being called exotic depending on the situation. Having said that it does imply attractivness and I'm not about to complain about a significant portion of white men being attracted to asian women. I worry more about my asian son not being exotic enough to white women.

[Angie in Texas]

as a sister to two brothers, i too worry about the perception of exotic for my son. both of my brothers had difficulty dating through adolescence and into adulthood. i saw their struggles and worry about the same for my son. (*my older brother is very attractive, but rarely seen as cute or handsome by his female friends - white or not.)

[kathy]

I was with you on the first entry, Zelda. However, your follow up was right on.

What is disturbing to me is the way in which you are being attacked (not by all, of course). To me, this is worse than the very thing many of the posters are offended by.

Middle-class luxury...lol...I loved that. I admit I have many of those types of woes, and I, too, have to remind myself to put it into perspective. It's not that they are not real concerns - just not the most important ones.

Whatever is said to me or my kids is taken as a grain of salt. Our children's perception of themselves is strongly based (and I cannot emphasize this enough) on how they are treated at home.

Throughout life we all will be bombarded with names or descriptions that we don't like - or like - about ourselves. Which do we believe? In this regard it doesn't matter, cause these thoughts are all "out there" and not inside of us.

Hmmm...maybe this conversation needs some more philosophy and debate and less offended egos.

[twizzle]

Kathy,

Perhaps if you'd take a look, you'll notice that a lot of posts on this blog are about offended ego from perceived slights, social ostracism, disguised racism, and expressions of outright bigotry. It's been said many times before, but I'll say it again: This blog was created by and for Korean-American and Korean-related mothers as a safe place to discuss (vent) about whatever is on our minds, offended egos included! Whether we're filthy rich or dirt poor doesn't enter into it: all of our feelings are valid and we should be able to express them without fearing judgment and/or attack.

[Kai]

That's a new one: being offended by racism and sexism, especially directed at one's child, is a middle-class luxury. Wow.

Yes, people are just OVERSENSITIVE.

[Kyla]

I've heard that word in reference to myself all of my life. I hate it. It negates the fact that I was born and raised in the U.S. and my family has been here longer than some White American families. I think the word when used to describe others does in fact describe an element of "otherness." It makes it seem as if there is a normative way of being versus something that is not so normative.

[daddy in a strange land]

I know a bunch of folks here were watching "The Bachelor," so did folks see this AP article?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070526/ap_en_ot/people_andy_baldwin;_ylt=AgS0zBqXmkn3QjaH.i7JwqoDW7oF

"`The Bachelor,' new fiancee go to Hawaii"

Between a graf about what they were wearing and one about their future plans was this:

"As Baldwin answered questions about his cheesy lines on the show, one reporter asked Horst about her ethnic background. Horst is of Chinese and Polish ancestry.

"I always say the mutts are the most exotic and beautiful," Baldwin joked."

That's what we're talking about here, not oversensitivity to individual interpersonal interactions. We're talking about history, about how words and language both shape and reflect cultural norms and attitudes about what is normal or beautiful or what belongs vs. what is other or foreign or outcaste.

[jstele]

How about asking why they think she is exotic? That is a subtle way of getting the individual to confront their own biases in front of you. Keep questioning them until their true belief surfaces. It's not about your daughter, but the individual who called her 'exotic'. Don't let them get away without explaining why they think she is so exotic.

"She looks different."

"Oh really? How so?"

"She has black hair...." etc.

[gabby]

(here from Racialicious)

As a hapa woman, I've heard it a lot, and it's always rubbed me wrong. While I was younger, a kid, a teenager, I'd let it slide, but it left a sick feeling in my stomach. Now, I've stopped putting up with it, and call people on it, usually just by saying "no, I'm American," and walking away. I wish that my parents, my siblings, someone had instilled in me from a younger age that it's not okay to let people make you feel bad or different because of your race or how you look, and that you can and should stand up to it. So I say, when she's old enough, please take the opportunity, and show her by example and tell her in your words, that she can and should let people know that it's not okay.

[Lee H.]

I'm late here, but I just wanted to say---it pisses me off, too.

[Lisa]

I don't have kids yet, but the word and concept "exotic" always pisses me off. Anyone who uses it is just demonstrating their own ignorance and limited experience. After all, exotic simply means that something is unfamiliar and strange to and not understood by the person to who it is exotic.

Personally, I find middle America quite exotic.

There is definitely a dehumanizing, demeaning sense to the term. It connotates "*I* am 'normal'; everything 'different' is strange."

[Tricia]

I've been called exotic my whole life, but doesn't bother me. I'm Filipina, my husband half korean/half white. So my sons are half filipino and quarter korean and white...they are gorgeous boys, but people always say they are "neat" looking...what the heck doest that mean...should I be offended?

[jstele]

Tricia,

"Neat" can mean cool or clean-cut. I'm leaning toward cool, but it depends on the speaker. You have to see how they say it to know whether it is offensive. At least it sounds better than 'exotic'.

[angie g.]

I'm a halfy and I've gotten to the point when I can tell when the "E" word is coming. Overused so much that to me it's its own cliche'. Because of this externally I accept the compliment when internally I am cringing. Not sure why I have this reaction. My first thought always: I'm not a bird or a flower.

[mori]

Hmmn..."exotic". The word can be annoying or offensive or even complimentary depending on who is using it(I am half Korean and the other half is Spanish, Choctaw, and Yugoslavian). So I got that word too growing up.
You can always ask what they mean, right? Some guy in a bar hitting on you....well, we know what he means ;P
Some nice old grandma type who says my daughter is exotic looking? I can't be offended by that. Consider the source :P

When I lived in Japan the Japanese found blond-haired/blue eyed people to be exotic. Just something that is not normal in their everyday lives.