As those who are familiar with my personal blog know, I am not in love with my mother-in-law. Ah, yes, I can hear some of you respond, 'Well, who is?' I will tell you who: those of you who responded with 'How can you NOT be in love with your mother-in-law?' Yeah, that's who...
My own mother did not have a love relationship with her mother-in-law, a.k.a. my Paternal Grandmother (PG). In fact, I remember that icy cold front with which PG greeted our whole family. Mom was an educated woman, with her own ideas, and *GASP* she was from the southern tip of Korea... my father's family came from the northern tip, refugees from the Korean War.
How many times have I heard PG sternly put Mom into her place with those dreaded words: We don't do things that way in OUR family? How many times have I already been rebuked similarly by my mother-in-law? I think even once is one too many...
When I finally opened up to Mom and shared that I feel alienated by my MIL, she was surprised. Her words? I thought that only happened with Korean mother-in-laws... I thought you'd fare better than I with your American mother-in-law - like your sister.
My sister, who's been married twice now, has the freakishly good fortune to be blessed with the best mother-in-law BOTH TIMES. That lucky bitch... (okay, I'll take back the bitch part... it's just so not fair!) On her recent honeymoon? They went to CA and spent part of it with her new MIL. If I had to do that, I think I'd have strangled myself after a few hours just to spare myself the misery.
I did notice with interest an incident in the past months which revealed to me that my MIL is awful, to the point of unnecessarily cruel, to her own MIL. I couldn't help myself; I turned to Papa Nabi and commented, "The way your mother treats your grandmother, one would think it's karmic justice that she got a daughter-in-law who's going to end up having a very similar relationship with her."
Are we, as mothers and daughters, repeating cycles here? What is it about certain mothers of sons who cannot stand the women who love their sons? What is it about certain women who cannot stand the women who raised the men they love?
Philosophical and psychological questions and possible answers aside, I know that culture plays an equal part in this tainted relationship as do personalities and politics.
Funny/ironic part to this is that my mom had long advised me against the idea of marrying someone Korean due to the fact that she did not think I could possibly please a Korean mother-in-law, be submissive enough, or be happy keeping my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. I certainly don't think my MIL is too far away from Mom's idea of stereotypical Korean MIL...
1) Expecting the wife to do all domestic chores: MIL has been trying to push recipes my way, commenting on how I should learn how to cook... although it's been established that, at least when we have family dinners, PN would rather be the one cooking while I could live without lifting a frying pan ever again. She frowns and finds it lacking on my part that I don't do all the cooking. She's also given me cleaning tips. Whenever any domestic issues come up, she makes a point to turn to me and gives me instructions.
2) Expecting the wife to take care of all social and business calls: both the in-laws remind me to make sure PN gets his dental and general doctor's appointments on his calendar. I have in essence become PN's mother... and, although they never received greeting cards nor did they expect any cards from PN before we got married, I am expected to send out cards to the family and relatives, even ones I never met, e.g. family friends in Germany whose address MIL and FIL provided with other addresses of people who should get cards from us.
3) Follow the husband's lead in politics: Neither FIL nor MIL think it's appropriate that I have my own political opinions or biases.
These are 3 of the more prominent reasons why I've earned such displeasure from my MIL. Like my mom says, I may as well have pursued a Korean husband and risked getting a stereotypical Korean MIL! I could have gotten lucky - I could have gotten that Korean MIL who calles me "A-ga" (baby), who takes me out, who tells her son to buy me something pretty, who strokes my hands and cheeks and tells me to eat more, to rest up, and who, after I had a baby, volunteered to come and help out for a few weeks.
The fact that PG had many grandchildren and my mom was her least favorite daughter-in-law made PG indifferent to my sister and me. In return, when we heard that she had died, we were indifferent. No tears were shed as there were no fond memories of that woman who gave birth to our father. For all we knew, she didn't even know our names since Mom chose non-family names for us. I think it will be different for Little Nabi since she IS the only grand-daughter and one of two grandchildren... but I can't help wishing my relationship with MIL were a bit better, even if just to break that cycle.
Yes, grass is greener ALWAYS on the other side. Do you have a mother-in-law whom you love... or whom you could leave? Any cultural surprises? What's your favorite thing about your MIL? With mine, I guess when she does stand up to FIL, in a surprisingly feisty manner, I do see a glimmer of hope for us.
-Mama nabi
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