Everyday racism, so pesky, so 'mundane' - fight it or leave it?

EDITED TO ADD: I did write to the museum (please see comment section to see what I said to the museum).  In the past, the generic answers I received whenever I took action in subtle incidents have been, "Oh, so-and-so is NOT like that usually, must have been having a bad day."  "I'm sure so-and-so did not behave that way because of your race."  "We apologize - but that is SO surprising.  It's unlike so-and-so to be like that."  So we'll see...

For the second time this month, I took Little Nabi (per her request) to the Science Museum.  The line for the box office was long, snaking at least 4 times along the long lobby.  It seemed every grandparent thought this would be a wonderful family event after Thanksgiving feast couple days ago.  Because the museum shares a parking lot with a convention center where Hmong New Year's festivities were being held, the lobby was doubly crowded with party-goers in their beautiful Hmong native dresses.

As LN and I stood in line, I noticed an older woman, in her late fifties or early sixties, coming down our row, handing out leaflets.  I heard her say, as she pressed each sheet in everyone's hands, "It tells you the different pricing packages - just something to help you decide while you're in line."  She handed one to the woman in front of me.  She glanced at me oh-so-briefly, suddenly turned 180 degrees, and handed a few out to people in the next row over.  As she took a step past me, with her back to me, she turned again and handed a sheet to the woman behind me!

By this time, I had turned along with her and so, when she glanced back to see if I had noticed, our eyes met.  She asked, "Oh, did you want one as well?"  I bit my tongue as I said nonchalantly, "Sure, why not", while noting that she handed one to the others without asking whether they wanted one.

Ah, the mundane, subtle only in the perpetrator's small hateful mind, racism that keeps on giving...

Later, as she walked by our row again, I handed it back to her so that she could recycle the sheet for the next time.  I had been pondering when it'd be worth getting a membership, i.e. when LN is ready to watch some of the movie shows they offer, it might be worth buying a membership instead of paying each time, so I stopped her and said, "I have a general question: Is there an age limit for the Omni Theater and the IMAX theater shows?"

She answered, mostly addressing the woman next to me in a conspiratorial manner (Oh, can you believe this woman's question?), "Oh, no.  That Pompeii show is not appropriate for her."

ME:  "No, no.  I wasn't planning on taking her to the Pompeii show -"
Science Museum Witch: "How old she?"
ME:  "She's 2 - but - "
SMW: "Yeah, no.  She's too young.  There're 3D shows that's more appropriate for her."
ME:  "Yes, I understand.  But is there an age limit?"
SMW: "Well, I really wouldn't take her to see the Pompeii show..."

She stepped away for a bit.  Meanwhile, I turned to the Caucasian woman next/behind me, the one to whom SMW directed most of her answers, and asked, "Do you know why she was answering my question to you mostly?"  The bystander chuckled and said, "I know!  That was weird.  I didn't ask the question!"  I added, "And she didn't answer my question... did she?"  "Nope, she sure didn't."

SMW came back and placed her hand over the air above my arm.  She said, "I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but really, Pompeii is not appropriate for her."

ME: "I agree.  But my question - "
SMW: "Yeah... no... (shaking her head emphatically, seemingly for the other bystanders' amusement) I really wouldn't take her in there if I were you.  Okay?"
Me:  "Um..."

She rushed off.  I took a few deep breaths.  LN always senses my tension and this was her day; I didn't want to get into it with the same old bullshit - how different is this from being invisible at the deli line, at work... oh, the patronizing advices I get.  When someone tries to 'help' me by defining every polysyllable uttered, when someone automatically assumes he/she is better educated than I...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then after a fun day at the museum, LN and I were in a crowded parking ramp elevator.  Three young Hmong girls decked out in their native dresses got off first on one of the floors.  As soon as the door closed, I overheard this conversation:

Woman 1: "Did you see their costumes?"
Woman 2: (snicker) "Yeah... pretty gaudy..."

I then heard a rustle of a winter coat and, judging by their sudden silence, I guessed that one of them noticed my Asian features and nudged the other.

We got off on our floor.  I knelt down to secure LN's hat and noticed that the couple who were snickering also got off, sheepishly averting their eyes.  I also noticed the matching mullets and similar logger-wannabe flannel shirts, complete with a denim vest on one of them.  With their fashion sense, I wasn't sure where they got off mocking someone else's national dress.  I sighed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I tell this story to someone, say a coworker, I will witness a few eyerolls.  Oh, for god's sake, give it up!  It's not like they left a noose on your desk... oh, wait, even that's not such a big deal.  Lighten up! 

I wonder how they would feel if these itty-bitty not-so-subtle everyday racially motivated snubs came their way... every day... in front of their children... When they all add up, these incidents are not so mundane, not so subtle, not so 'not a big deal'...

So I am faced with a challenge.  Do I pick a fight with every single person who chooses to be patronizing, be condescending, and pretend that I am invisible?

Every day, I have to wear an armor.  Especially with LN in tow.  So I am not taken by surprise when subtle things happen, so I am not too flustered to react quickly enough to teach my daughter how to demand equal respect and courtesy.

It is a fucking heavy armor... and I am tired already from carrying a toddler while having to wear that shit.

-Mama Nabi

Comments

[Jennifer]

Oh man, it's hard to know what to do when you have your little one with you.

I live in a somewhat diverse area and do not get very much of that.

I was surprised one day when this older white man made a snide comment to my sister and me as were passing by. Originally, the discussion was unrelated to race. As we got into it a little (less than a minute), he told us to go back to where we came from. Oh. No. You. Didn't. After that the four of us (he had his wife with him) really got into it and we were all yelling at the top of our lungs at this usually quiet store. My sister and I got some good retorts in there. I had my toddler daughter with me, and I should have just let it go, but I couldn't, not about something like that.

I was surprised because this happened in an upper middle class/fairly diverse/educated area. Something like this hasn't happened to me since I was a kid. It just showed me that I really didn't know the deep seated bigotry that people feel underneath their exteriors.

The thing that bothered me even more was that I know he never would have said this to two white girls, and he wouldn't have said this if I was with my white husband.

Afterward, I felt torn because I knew I wasn't setting the best example. My sister and I should have just walked away and ignored him in the first place (before he made the racial comment) since my daughter was there. I know my situation was different than yours in that ours had blatant bigotry. But in hindsight, I don't know how I should have reacted. I'm angry that my daughter had to witness this at such a young age.

[electriclady]

Just last weekend I was walking up to our local farmer's market when a couple of kids (maybe middle-school age) made ching-chong noises at me. I was already feeling irritated so I couldn't let it go--I turned and said, "Do you honestly think that makes you cool?" Unfortunately with kids that age there's no real way to engage them meaningfully--they just made more ching-chong noises and when I continued to not let it go, they called me a lesbian. Nice. Obviously that is much more blatant racism than what you dealt with, but it left me with that bad taste in my mouth.

Normally on Saturdays I have my daughter with me when I go to the market--I don't know what I would have done if she'd been with me. I feel like I need to figure out some kind of appropriate response to model for her (if there even is one, since in 34 years I obviously haven't figured it out yet) because unfortunately she will probably encounter this BS in her life too.

(When I went home and told my (white) husband, he got all mad and said, "Why doesn't that ever happen when I'm with you?" I was like, DUH, because you're with me. No one says shit in front of the white guy.)

[Cat]

What I find really sad about these incidents is the other people who just stand idly by without saying anything...like the other woman in line.

I like to think that if I were witness to something like this, I would say something to indicate my non-agreement/acceptance, such as "Why are you addressing me? I'm not the one with a question." "Or, "I think you must be mishearing her, you know, my grandma is also hard of hearing, let me help: SHE DIDN'T ASK ABOUT THE POMPEII SHOW SHE ASKED A QUESTION ABOUT THE IMAX THEATER IN GENERAL."

It's interesting that over here in the expats in Korea blogosphere, we have been discussing this incident, with a lot of people surprised that no one intervened on the blogger's behalf. I wonder how many of the white expats here who are upset when they are treated badly have, when they are back home, listened to someone tell a racist joke, or make catcalls at someone, and be embarrassed but without doing anything.

[Kim]

Even though I try not to be I find myself tensing when I see white kids/teenagers/etc. looking at me for an unusual amount of time. I have no idea if they're going to be friendly or say something racist. what's even more horrid is that little school age kids make me nervous! does this make me paranoid?

[Lois Lane]

Hearing about this type of passive racism just makes me so angry. You're turning me into an angry little asian girl. I think Korea is calling although we'd be so sad to see you leave.

[jooliyah]

i like how you describe it as an armor. i think of it more as a thick layer of skin. i grew up in a place where asians were the majority so i didn't really experience this stuff until i got to college in california. and that was near LA, so it didn't happen very often. but in san diego it happened all the time. eventually, i just developed a phrase that summed up my attitude of dealing with the whole thing. i'd look at the person and think to myself "how unfortunate for you..." and then move on. sort of like if that person had really bad breath or had their skirt tucked into their underwear or something. i wouldn't be able to change them in whatever minute i had as i walked by, and really, the'd be embarassed it they saw themselves portrayed in some sort of movie or something acting the way they were. so i tried to feel sorry for them i guess. they are limited and live in such a smaller world than i do. it really is sad for them in the end, not me.

and because there was no way i'd ever get through to any of them, it's their problem not mine. but still. it does hurt doesn't it?

anyways, the little thought became almost a habit. but it got me through.

whenever i come back to hawaii i can feel my extra layer of protection melting off. it's so nice to go out and not have my radar on all the time. so i sympathize. it must suck to have to go out everyday on the defense.

maybe when LN voices one day in the future that she notices being treated differently, you can explain to her that she knows, understands and feels more things than any of those awful people ever will. that some people only grew up knowing one thing so they are, in a way, disabled from being nice to anyone different from themselves. and LN will probably agree that it's quite unfortunate that they don't know how yummy a pot of spicy kim chee jjigae is for dinner, and how she can still enjoy an american dessert like apple pie after dinner too. she has both worlds, which means she has the gift of seeing things from many perspectives. something that the lady at the museum definitely is unable to do. so really, how unfortunate for SMW.

[Eun]

If someone was overtly racist, I would respond angrily (and I have done so in the past). But for the subtle or minor racist incidents, I agree that it can be hard to know how to respond. This is what happened on Saturday: I was at a cafe in an art gallery, waiting in line. The middle-aged/elderly guy in front of me had bought a dark chocolate cake with a serve of ice-cream. I commented that it looked very rich. Chuckling, he made a joke about how his wife had ordered him to get it and how Australian women were bossy but Asian women "are good" and not bossy. Sigh. My smile frozen on my face, I looked away. I didn't feel inclined to extend what was supposed to have been friendly small talk into a serious discussion about stereotypes. Maybe I should have at least joked back that it was a stereotype or something...

[mbbored]

All I can say is, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I really hope by the time LN is grown up she won't have to deal with anything like that.

[BirdieRoark]

I internally debate these situation as well. Do you say something knowing that, most likely, it really isn't going to change the perspective of the idiot? Or my not styaing silent, am I condoning the behavior and making it appear acceptable to my child? Oh, it's so hard to know when to take a stand and when to walk away when the offender isn't overtly racist.

I have no answers. I wish I did. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am only one person. I cannot change the world on my own. But I can raise a strong, tolerant, loving, kind, open-minded and open-hearted child. And if we all did that, then the world would change.

[Paula]

I'm usually a lurker, but wanted to comment since I'm white, grew up in the South, and had racist parents that tried really hard (and succeeded) to raise NON racist children. I find it easier to call the person on the racist comment when there is no minority person there. But I hesitate to do more than an eye roll and a knowing look at the offended person when they are present because it has seemed to me that the offended person is then further offended that I think I have the right to know how they feel. I've also made comments about my being Irish and that some of the typical Irish stereotypes apply to me and that has offended some. I realize that I have never been on the receiving end of racism, and I wish that no one was. I guess I just wanted to say that it's difficult for many people to know what to do when you find yourself in that sort of situation. "But I can raise a strong, tolerant, loving, kind, open-minded and open-hearted child. And if we all did that, then the world would change." (mbbored) is right on!

[Daisy]

This might be worth addressing with a museum person -- by letter or email. It is not acceptable for a staff person to be condescending or rude to a customer, and her racist attitude was both.
As for the Hmong costumes? I was honored to wear one in a school celebration a few years ago; I wasn't even sure if an Anglo woman would be allowed to wear such a treasure! The maker of the dress explained each piece and its meaning as she "dressed" me. It was a very, very special experience.

[Wrybred]

I am new to your blog, and I can't advise you on the fight or leave it question, but I can tell you that you've made the world a little better by blogging about it. I realized when I read your post, that sometimes I am probably percieved as a subtle racist. I think of myself kind and compasionate, and I like other cultures and I like to communicate. But when someone speaks with a heavy accent, and maybe with bad grammer, I tend to speak slowly and use simple words to be sure I am understood. So yes, I am assuming that person is less educated. Your blog has given me something to think about. I can honestly say I am coming from a place of kindness, but this strikes me as a case where the other person's perception is more important then my intent. In all honesty, I tend to find women from other cultures attractive, which just means I have a responsibility to be respectful AND be seen that way. I would not have spoken a steriotype like that fellow did, but if a Korean woman struck up a conversation with me, I would probably smile, make eye contact, and make a joke. I guess that's okay. :)

[Lovebabz]

I totally get how you are feeling. I am African American and I can't tell you how many times I have been told at check out that you can't buy x with foodstamps and I always say, What I don't have food stamps. All they see is a heavy set Black woman with 4 little kids--who have different fathers ( yeah and they have different mother too you asshole they are all adopted) I ignore the smaller injustices and kick ass over the larger ones---I am deadly with a pen--I'll write to a store manager, his boss and corporate headquarters in a NY hot minute. Handle as best you can when you need to address it do it. Pick and chose which fight to take on. Thanks for holding it down for so many others who will come after you.

[HCG]

I haven't had one of these incidents happen to me in a while but...maybe it does happen and it has gotten to the point where it does go over my head. However when it has I HAVE written, called and basically gotten who ever it was that caused the situation to happen fired. My mom was a trailblazer with that--- some of the worst things happened to her in department stores and she would simply go home and call for the store manager and the offending racists would get fired. GAH the 70s and 80s in Westchester really did suck.

[halfmama]

I think I have said this before but I'll say it again: I think it's important to speak up when there is obvious racism around us, especially around our kids. This is a lot easier for me to say than do, because I was not raised that way. I was raised to ignore it, and have a superior attitude ("You're better than that/them.") However, it never made me feel better. I think a lot of us were raised this way. And look how so many of us feel lost about it and don't know what to do while people continue to 'ching chong' us.

At this point, I would much rather let my children see me stand up for myself (and other minorities) and try and show the ignorant another perspective. I have gotten into the "Go back to your country" debates in public (this was before kids) and it's only made me angrier. So my goal is to figure out how to reply without anger.

Even if the ignorant don't get it (I doubt the mullet women would have done anything but looked away or muttered a meek apology) I hope my kids can learn to stand up for themselves and others.

Admittedly, sometimes the situation doesn't allow for an intellectual retort, but maybe if we all do this once in awhile, we can at least get some people thinking -- most importantly, our kids.

Now if I ever work up the balls to actually say something someday, and figure out what to say, I'll let you know.

[Mike]

Way to be...the only reason I can put up with people saying that stuff about me or to me is because I usually can't understand enough of it to make a fuss (or I just pretend I don't). In any case, I think it will be a while before people's words and actions start to reflect all the PC propaganda they spout when they think someone's listening.

I just clicked a link from the Metropolitician to read more about race and gain a more enlightened stance on my own status as a foreigner. It's easy for such things to feed a never-ending cycle of bitterness and negativity, which I have to admit is part of my motivation in investigating your blog.

You probably won't be amused to read that I thought you were a caucasian mother living in Seoul...but it seemed just as likely a scenario for either location. In any case, I'm hoping that by reading about yours and Metro's experiences I can gain a better understanding (and perhaps a better sense of responsibility) for my own stunted notions about race.

As a Caucasian American living in Seoul, it's not uncommon to have the same sort of experiences that you have in your locale. My wife (she will be a kimchi mama next year if all goes well) deserves a husband who has a more enlightened view of the country he lives in and what I take away from all my experiences, be they negative or positive.

"When I tell this story to someone, say a coworker, I will witness a few eye rolls. Oh, for god's sake, give it up! It's not like they left a noose on your desk... oh, wait, even that's not such a big deal. Lighten up!

I wonder how they would feel if these itty-bitty not-so-subtle everyday racially motivated snubs came their way... every day... in front of their children... When they all add up, these incidents are not so mundane, not so subtle, not so 'not a big deal'...

So I am faced with a challenge. Do I pick a fight with every single person who chooses to be patronizing, be condescending, and pretend that I am invisible?"

Beautiful. If only I could exercise such forebearance. Teach me. I do think you should say something sometimes...if only to remind people how normal people really talk to each other.

[halfmama]

Oh but what I really want to say is GET THE FUCK OUT OF MN.

Not that racism doesn't exist everywhere else, but MN seems to have an obscene amount of it. I know -- come to Chicago! Take off the armor. I'll get you a breastplate instead.

[kate]

I was raised not to tolerate any of this type of crap in the least. As a matter of fact, I was taught to stand up for others MORE than myself . Luckily, some therapy in my twenties evened things up.

IMHO one of the things that happens, especially in California, is that a lot of people here freeze in the face of severe rudeness, like a deer in the headlights. THEN they go home and kick themselves for days, thinking of things that they could have said or done.

Education is a wonderful thing. It would tickle me pink to see a series of posts saying "What do you say when you encounter racism?" or even "Snappy Comebacks to nasty racist situations."

[kate]

I was raised not to tolerate any of this type of crap in the least. As a matter of fact, I was taught to stand up for others MORE than myself . Luckily, some therapy in my twenties evened things up.

IMHO one of the things that happens, especially in California, is that a lot of people here freeze in the face of severe rudeness, like a deer in the headlights. THEN they go home and kick themselves for days, thinking of things that they could have said or done.

Education is a wonderful thing. It would tickle me pink to see a series of posts saying "What do you say when you encounter racism?" or even "Snappy Comebacks to nasty racist situations."

[VGC]

I was thinking of something that happened to my uncle at a mall. I was checking out a store window so my uncle was away from me at the time. A woman who looked lost approached him from behind and said, "Excuse me. Do you know where..." At that point, my uncle turned around. Seeing that my uncle was asian, she said, "Oh!" mumbled some apology and walked away. We and another (white) bystander thought it was funny, but looking back at it now, it's pretty sad that it happened.

The everyday racism hasn't happened to me in a while since I go to a diverse college, but I'm just wondering how I'm going to react to that when I go out in the real world. I always just ignored it, but I always feel bad for doing so because it felt like the people doing it was doing it because they knew they would get no reaction from me. I'm just wondering if I should just give them the finger and keep walking.

[ktb]

I will share this post with my brother, as he works there.

I agree with Daisy: write a letter or e-mail. You practically have the letter written. If you didn't catch the name on the tag, then provide a description. Request an apology.

Be proactive.

[Rachel]

Sigh. I agree that you owe it to LN to respond in some way. However, I often find myself tongue-tied when I'm in the moment.

I agree with whoever said that you should write to the museum.

[Lily]

I read this post a few days ago and have been brewing about it ever since. I agree with halfmama IMHO it is important for our children to see us stick up for ourselves without anger. Without doing so, do we play into the whole, "passive Asian" stereotype? I want to raise strong, confident and tolerant women who will stick up for themselves and others.

[Mama Nabi]

Thank you everyone for your input. As a matter of fact, I have sent an e-mail to the museum consisting of an abridged version of the story (without my commentary). I also added, at the end:
"So the gist of the story is that she saw the color of my skin, tried to skip me while handing out the price list, and then did not even have the courtesy to listen to me. She was patronizing, condescending, and absolutely inappropriate as a museum employee.

I do hope you do not condone this kind of behavior. My daughter enjoys museums immensely and we were hoping to add the Science Museum as one of our winter getaway places.

It may seem like a small incident to you but when one runs into these ‘subtle’ racially motivated snubs every day, one hopes that a museum employee would be above such debasing attitude.

I did not catch her name but she was working the ticket line around 1pm on Saturday, November 24th. I hope that the museum will be able to address this issue with her and let her know that treating a museum patron differently due to her own skewed perception of a different race is not tolerated.

I would also appreciate it if you would inform me of actions, if any, you plan to take – for my own confirmation and, I’m sure, my online community would be interested."

So there you have it. I will let you know if/when I hear back from the museum...

[myuneuri]

Good for you Mama Nabi.

[harlowmonkey]

Yay, Mama Nabi. I didn't comment before, but this kind of thing happens to me on a daily basis. I like the "armor" analogy. This example of being in line reminds me of when I got "passed" over for a school Mom's Night out event.

I think it's always tricky to decide when to stand up and when not to. I once had a very inebriated person walking behind me and my son saying all kinds of really racist sh*t, and because my son was little and didn't know what the person was saying and because the woman was drunk, I just chose to talk really loud to my son to somewhat drown out her comments and because I was scared of getting into it with a drunk.

But with my daughter, who is older, I tend to say and do things more outspoken. Once I was so angry about an incident at a store that when I asked to speak to the manager about the employee (who did the whole, she didn't mean it bit) I tore up my frequent buyer card and left it on her counter and told her that I was going to tell every single person I knew what a terrible employee she hired and that as her manager she was a bad employer to make excuses and I would tell all my friends never to patronize that store. And I did. Not that it was going to affect their business that much, but my daughter saw that I was not going to let people treat me in such a racist way and that at least I tried.

[Christie]

I hope you get a nice response from the museum... it would be nice to think that there are people there who take this kind of incident seriously. Even if they don't send you a nice letter, at least you will know that you are spreading awareness, and she will probably suffer from some embarrassment about the issue, and should think twice about how she behaves in the future.

[HCG]

Now I'm getting madder. We need a variation of the Hollaback site. Something much more public in the way of SHAMING THESE BIGOTS. Doubtful that their minds will be changed. But at least they can shut their mouths.

I hope they send you a nice letter. I wish there was some video or audio recorded. Something to post somewhere, something for media to pick up.

[dolores]

I'm Chicana, and my husband is African American. As parents of a child of color, there is no way that I will not address racism if it is directed at me or someone around me, and there is no way I will model a mode of accepting silence to my child. A calm, clear, and biting remark is totally appropriate, and I am astounded at the idea that writing a letter is the only solution. If we don't address racism right there, on the spot, we will show our children that it is okay to be treated that way. So, a good retort and a letter to the organization work. If we do not intentionally fight white supremacy, then we are upholding it.

[AmyM]

I am white, I have always lived in a small town, I have always been the majority. So I can't personally understand how you feel, I've never had an experience like that. But I am truly sorry that these types of things happen repeatedly to you and to others. Your post was very well written and gave me a glimpse into a world that I just don't see. Thank you.

[Helene]

I'm so glad you pressed the matter and wrote the letter. Whenever we let these things slide, even in order to spare ourselves the trouble of dealing with it, we let racists off the hook. It still blows my mind that people believe they are superior to others based on ethnicity/race.

Helene

[Helene]

I'm so glad you pressed the matter and wrote the letter. Whenever we let these things slide, even in order to spare ourselves the trouble of dealing with it, we let racists off the hook. It still blows my mind that people believe they are superior to others based on ethnicity/race.

Helene

[Helene]

I'm so glad you pressed the matter and wrote the letter. Whenever we let these things slide, even in order to spare ourselves the trouble of dealing with it, we let racists off the hook. It still blows my mind that people believe they are superior to others based on ethnicity/race.

Helene