S*x, divorce, and frying pans

... but not in any order of importance.

Let's talk about s*x, baby.

Hi, my name is Mama Nabi, I'm going through a messy divorce, and I haven't been laid for over 2 years. 

And, stangely enough - or not so strange, perhaps, I haven't missed it.  Or, let's say, I haven't had the time or energy to miss it.

I don't know if it's particularly because I come from a culture that, at least on the surface, represses s*x in the media and its society... but I do have a funny story to relate:

When I was about 16, my mom took me along to visit her friends.  They began to play hwa-to - since my mom deemed the game inappropriate for young girls, I chose to take a little nap on the floor next to them. 

I don't know how long I was napping but when I awoke, they were gossiping about a friend of theirs whose overweight husband died on top of her during s*x.  This was juicy so I kept my eyes closed.  Turns out she had to call the emergency number to get help and policemen had to pry her husband off and out of her.  (Sorry about the PG16 content - well, for my mom, I think this was PG until whenever-you-get-married, so in my case, 32.)

They were amazed that this friend was still having 'it'.  One of them said something like, I never liked it... once the kids were born, I said the hell with it... and my mom added that once you get to a certain age, it's not that interesting any more.

Then one of them whispered Shhh, what if your daughter hears us?  My mom assured them, She won't even know what we're talking about.  My girls are very innocent, they don't know such things.

Ah... to be sweet (and innocent) sixteen again.  Ha.  Ha.

Anyway, I bring this up because, as some of you know, I recently moved out of the house with Little Nabi.  Papa Nabi firmly refused to move out, insisted that we do some weird separation thang under the same roof and things were getting more tense by the day.  As soon as I had moved out, my mom called me and told me that this was now all over since we're now living in separate houses.

No, Mom, this is the beginning... we still have a lot to process and figure out legally.

Mom: Oh, but  you're not in the same house so he'll leave you alone... so from now on, your life should focus on [LN].  Not that you're likely to meet anyone worthy of being [LN]'s new father but even if you do, don't even think about stuff like that.  You don't have time to meet men.  All your time will now devote to [LN].

Hmmm.  I mean, I was planning on doing that... but I was wondering if she thought PN and I were still doing the nasty during these trying times... because it sort of sounded like, "From now on, no more s*x for you." 

I was told later by my sister that my mom also called her wondering if I was already seeing someone, concerned that I'm out there dating again and then asked her to keep an eye on me so I wouldn't date.

Aigo.  I suppose, she thinks a divorced mama has no place in the dating scene... She can be very old fashioned, even by Korean standards!

I also mentioned to my mom that I was returning a small frying pan (big enough for an egg) to PN because he's left numerous voicemails to me and to my attorney regarding this frying pan he wanted back... plus other things.

Her comment?  How petty!  At least a Korean man would have let you have all the cooking things!

Ah... in times of turmoil, at least I have my mom to both frustrate and entertain me...

-Mama Nabi

Comments

[JoLynn]

Girl...when you are ready to date-you should date!. I'm a single Korean divorced mom that has recently gotten back into the whole dating scene. Granted...it has taken me a while to feel like dating (working on my daughter adjusting), but I'm having a pretty good time now that I have started.

[jooliyah]

don't you love just how our korean moms choose such random things to focus on? like my mom being crajee about me getting my weight down while i'm trying desparately to figure out how to handle suddenly having two children instead of one. i usually just say "neh" when she tells me to watch what i eat, then i shove what i want into my mouth to suppress the inadequacy i feel at the end of the day.

so when you're ready and willing and you meet that hot italian guy who would buy you a whole cookware set just because (ya know, instead of taking a tiny frying pan away from you).....she doesn't have to know. ;)

[fallenangels]

I remember reading your blog MN before you password-protected it because of something with PN and potential liability business... but I just remember thinking that you were *too* invested in your kid. And this post makes me think it again. My mom was like that... *is* like that, and as a teenager I used to hate her for that. She wouldn't give me the space. I want her to have friends, go to the Korean church in our neighborhood, sign up for a community class on something wild... and be more like my "cool" aunt. Just DO something besides living her life like that even if it was for us, you know? I know I love her to death (I'm only 21, I NEED my mom, or maybe I'm just too codependent), but I don't want to be like her. I don't want to be so alone and so regretful like her.... Obviously, you might take offense, and I know I don't know you at all apart from the handful of posts you shared with readers, but these are just my thoughts... of my Korean mother.

[Carol]

fallenangels - I'm not taking offense to your comment, but did I read the same post? Just scratching my head, MN's going through a divorce and now is the time to be *absolutely* invested in her child ... anyway I thought this post was about MN and her mom's weird ideas about s*x, not about MN not having a life besides being a mom? MN's probably not talking about s*x or infringing on her daughter's personal space just yet, the kid's only 3! And I have a 2-yr old, pleeeeeenty o' time before they start hating us and we become the worst things every to happen to them. I should probably start the therapy fund now. Seriously, sorry your mom was/is like that, some mothers do cling to their children too much, almost like a noble excuse not to have to interact with the world around them ... it is really hard on the child and worse for the parent. My dad super flipped out when my brother moved out, insisting that he was "only a child, he does not know about the world." And I was like, um ... that "child" is 23/24 years old. He got over it, but it was very hard on him. Good luck to you both.

MN - I am just laughing here, s*x talks (implied AND direct ones, ugh!) with my mom are equally as weird. And the whole thinking "*my* daughter doesn't understand such things, too innocent" ... when I was about 14-15, we were watching Degrassi Junior High and my mom happened to sit down with us. It was the episode where one of the twins finds out she's pregnant. My mom turned her head sharply at my sister and me and asked us, (in hangulmal) "do you know how pregnancy happens?" And I was like, are you kidding me, lady??? And ew, I do NOT want to be talking about this! The conversation ended with her saying "ha-jummah" (don't do it) and that was that. Once in a while she will talk to me about marital "relations" and I just want to gauge my eyes out. Gaaaaaaahhh ...

[Swan]

Oh good. And here I thought I was the only one clapping my hands over my ears, singing LALALALALLALA when Mom would try to talk about the birds and the bees. Conversations about sex, though uncomfortable irregardless of who your parent(s) is/are, just crank that up by 10 to the infinity power when you involve our mom. I still cringe over the memory when mom found out I started having periods.

[Angie in Texas]

LOL at Carol and Swan! Ack!

That's *exactly how I felt when I took my parents to see "spring, summer, fall, winter, spring" (whenever there's a korean film at the art house theater here i take them - almost without regard for the film itself) . . . anyhow, there's a scene in the movie when the main character starts to get sexy with another character or it's implied at the beginning of the scene - something like that, i don't KNOW because when it started i whispered to my parents "it's getting late, i need to get back to the baby" and LEFT the theater!

as far as i'm concerned they've done it FOUR times: my sister, my opah, me and my younger brother. (and if they want to believe i've done it twice - AM and JC - then okay . . . )

ack!!

[A Murakami]

Yup, I pull that I gotta go or I got something to do when my mom brings up conversation about s*x. It's horrible at the time, but then later I crack up laughing about it.

fallenangels, I understand that some parents smother their children You said as a teen you disliked it. But LN just turned three on May 3. MN and LN have to deal with a husband and father who is simply an asshole. Even asshole is too polite of a term for him. You may read MN as smothering LN, but at this time in LN's life, it's making sure she has a stable, loving environment. Regardless of how smooth a divorce can be, it's still stressful for children involved. Add an asshole into the mix, and it's 100 times more stressful. LN needs to be first right now, so she can get through this ugly time with as little psychological distress as possible. I would be very, very surprised if MN turns out to be the smothering type.

[dsmommy]

oh this post dredges up memories - my mom is divorced... one day, home from college, my mom brings up the idea of getting remarried. i was like, "oh that's great, mom! i want you to get remarried too!" and then she went, "yes, not just because of s*x or anything" and everything except the word "s*x" was in korean, so it especially stood out to me, which is when i was like, "that's nice" and just walked out of the room.

[HCG]

ARGH!!! The s*x convo and variations thereof!! I had to tolerate the unsolicited "this is how I did birth control after you were born" lecture or rather the start of it repeatedly --- I'd say I don't want to talk about it over and over again.

20 odd years ago, one of my bros and I were in our parents kitchen and my other bro was on spring break. my mom random asks us, so does everyone have premarital sex? I think we were eating Doritos or something like that while spacing out in front of the TV. Without missing a beat, one of my bros said, "yes" and then continued to eat Doritos.

[Lily]

Fallenangel, I am sorry your mother was/is so suffocating at times. I'm sure many of us can relate having the Korean mothers. Knowing MN, she will not be the overbearing, dependent mother but the loving, protective one who will teach LN to be a well rounded, respectful and confident person. Isn't that what we all do as mothers? There's plenty of time for her to date and who know, have great s*x, :).

I still don't like taking about s*x with my mom. The fact she tells me her aquaintances are having casual sex almost takes me over the edge. No thank you Umma.

[Mary]

This is kind of off-topic but my sister got really mad at my mom because she and my dad (they are divorced) slept in the same room when they were thinking about getting back together. She was all, they can't sleep in the same room until they really get re-married. I was like, "get off your high horse."

and no, they did not get re-married... another thing that my sister got really mad about because she didn't want to have to explain to her kids that their grandparents are divorced. yes, everything is about her.

[FingKASIL]

Just to let you know the opposite end of the spectrum is no fun either: My Jewish mother was INVASIVE about talking about sex. She gave me the whole birds & bees talk, with diagrams, at age 8. It was always just TMI, lady. Plus, after my parents divorced, she would have her dates over to our house, making out with them on the couch, and traumatizing me beyond belief. So there is something to be said for a little restraint, IMHO.

Anyhoozle, I wonder if your mom thinks there is a third party involved. Was this her way of saying that?

[sumpfhexe]

I hope this is not serious. I mean, just because you are divorced you won't have s*x again? In my opinion this is just silly. It's absolutely respectable, if you currently no energy for somekind of relation. But please don't cut this out of your life! Your mother is just so weird in my eyes. I am non-korean, maybe it's that. I have my knowledge of korean family life just from kdrama and some talks with friends. But still, I cannot believe it. What's about going on with your life someday?

Yeah, I noticed the passwort protection as well. Pity, but otherwhise, it's just like sneaking in somebodies living room. It's too private for the whole internet :)

[Mama Nabi]

Oh, goodness. What I meant was - I wasn't planning on jumping into the dating scene just yet. I am not ready - and neither is LN to have yet another element thrown into her life... at least not until there's stability mandated by the family court since her dad at the moment has decided "consistency and stability" is a crock of sh*t

And what I am deducing from my mom's dropped hints here and there is she'd rather not have me out there dating and having... you know what. :-)

Although I appreciate concerns regarding my ability to move on and having a life of my own (or, in my mom's case, NOT having a life of my own), I'd like to reassure everyone that I do plan on having s*x again some day if s*x would have me... and even have a life.

[spicymamasf]

Ever since reading the "...dirty secret?" post I've been revisitng many memories of my mother. Wondering how long she waited to tell relatives of her divorce in 1983. Likely, she waited until she was remarried 5 years later. She did ALOT of dating and "other things" during the in-between years, without so much as an iota of worry about my adjustment. Strangely, I was more of her roommate in those days. A living double entendre...that's how I see her now.

How many lost their "virginity" to a tampax? :o) My mother must have been past the point of trying to persuade me of anything at that age, since I didn't even flinch at her pursed lip, pointed fingers and "Aigooegginemsekia!!" 's anymore. The battle over pads or no pads was won by me. Tally: 1 and 5832.

Our first real s*x talk came at the dinner table in front of my younger brother and stepdad. At 16 (but a senior in high school), I'd been working for a couple of years already and had been seeing someone older (way too old, but I was kidding myself). We had just been out for the day hiking and were going to eat dinner together when my mother called me home - RIGHT NOW!!

Turns out, my older cousin was telling my mother she was being a fool if she thought I wasn't having s*x with said boyfriend right before I received the call. I knew something was amiss when the usual silence at the table was eerily tense. I must've been biting into my 3rd somchusan when she blurted out "Are you having s*x with K***n?" I continued chewing and tried desperately not to be thrown off as she intended. My stepdad coughed and my brother started hyperventilating, nervous of getting caught in the crossfire. She nonchalantly kept on dipping into the bean paste looking at the bowls in front of her. Should I lie, which I was always terrible at, and risk exposing all there to her wrath? Or would it be better to expose MYself to all there by telling the truth and leaving her dumbfounded? ...Well, I chose the latter since I figured neither guy would ever want to talk about it beyond that moment AND I couldn't wait to see the look on her face. The answer: "Yes."

She held her composure amazingly well and asked if I was using protection - never missing a beat or rather bite of her dinner. My brother was now beet-red and totally mortified and my stepfather was slowly trying to disappear into his seat. I said "Of course. Excuse me, I'm finished and going upstairs."

No sooner had I gotten into my room, closed the door and turned up the radio (this WAS the 80's, pre-cd's), started pacing the floor to walk off the tension, did my mother knock, open the door and say, "sex is good with older man, isn't it?" OMG! I just started hysterically laughing at her! She was smiling, and giggling out of confusion as I placed my hands on her shoulders and backed her out of the room. "No mom, I am NOT going to have this conversation with you, tooooo uncomfortable, wayyy too late". I sat on the end of my bed for sometime not sure whether to brush it off and go on as usual or cry because my Korean mom just earnestly tried to reach out to me... unforgettable.

BTW, we have NEVER talked about s*x since.
~spicymamasf

[Carol]

Spicymamasf - oh gawd. That is so unexpected/funny/absolutely horrifying at the same time, those words even coming out of your mom's mouth. It's one of those, ya know mom, we DON'T need a relationship where we can talk like chingoos, really, I'm all good. Thank you. I would share a story with you but my sister reads this blog and it would cause her to go blind, so for now, just letting you know, I can really appreciate what you've been through. Aigoo.

[Swan]

Carol - you just might as well share the story. Chances are I probably already know it. Mom's a bad blabbermouth.

Besides, my eyesight's already in the crapper.

[Mary]

Lol spicymamsf. that was hilarious. my mom tried to talk to me about sex a couple of times and i told her that i was not her "friend" and that i did not feel comfortable talking about it. of course, she ignored what i said and kept talking about it... but really, can we have some boundaries please?

[edna marie]

oh god. I'm leaving your site. but HONEY!!! Your mom was not born old! Why must you assume your moms views are the western ideals of what a Korean mom advises?! SO not true. She was a woman before she was a mom which you will one day learn too. Your posts are so insightful an then towards the end, kind of die. Its like, yes, yes, oh thats touching and then....what??! how can that be her logical conclusion...!!?!But still readable. all the best to you and yours :)

[S]

I'm a little late posting comments, as I am just now getting acquainted with this blog. Being KA (my parents immigrated from Korea), I can related to all these stories about uncomfortable convos with moms about sex. It makes me feel sad though - I wonder how my life would have been had I been able to talk about sex, or even just dating, with my own mother. In my family it seems the expectation was to go from no boys allowed to getting married. Am not sure how that is supposed to work. So I have vowed to talk to my boys openly.

I just remembered a funny story. My younger son loved playing with his penis from around the age of 1 to 2. In fact, once he was standing on his booster seat with his hard penis hanging over his pants. My mom and I both got to witness this. So anyhow, I mentioned it to my pediatrician. So she said, "Oh, he masturbates? Don't worry, that is totally normal". I did think it was normal, but I didn't think it was actually called the m* word at that age. She also said that I should periodically ask the boys if they have any questions about their body. Sounds like a wise idea.

As a matter of fact the other day, my older son, age 5, was really quiet and still in the bathtub for a while after I had let the water out. When I thought to go check on him, he was really quiet, and I realized that he must have been touching his penis. I haven't really seen him doing it before. So I was just going to laugh it off and go away, but I realized I had to embrace the opportunity. So I just got out the words, "Were you playing with your penis? That's normal". According to my pediatrician, I am also supposed to say, "It's okay to do that, but you should do it in private". Well, maybe next time.

I think many or most of us from our generation have had such similar experiences with our parents - I wonder how we will handle this topic with our kids as they grow up. As I have said, I want to be understanding and open with the boys. But there have to be limits - so I ask myself (and don't know the answer), what is the limit? It seems like it's not too unusual for a 16 year old to be doing it, but what if they are 14, or 13, or even younger? I have the same questions about smoking, drugs, and all that stuff that I expect to face one day...