Suzie Wong buys shoe at local shoe store

I had an irritating racialized moment this past weekend. Mr. HM and I were at a shoe store. Normally I don't go in boutique/specialty shoe shops, being more of a discount/DSW type of shoe buyer, but Mr. HM wanted to look at this place. On the 70% discount rack I found a pair of sandals at a great price and, of all things, in my size (5 1/2) - that combination is a rare sight. The salesperson who rings up my purchase is an older gentleman, white, Al Bundy-esque. He wants to know my name.

Bundy: And your name is . . ?
Me: Why do you need to know that information? I don't want to be on a mailing list.
Bundy: Oh! Well, in case you need to return the shoes.
Me: Why does that matter? I'll have a receipt.
Bundy: Well. . . can I just write in a fake name then?
Me, getting irritated: I don't care.
Bundy: Okay, how about if I put in Wong, Suzie.
Me, visibly pissed off: NO.
Bundy, flustered: Uh, oh, um, okay how about if I put your name as Mary then.
Me: NO.
Bundy, backpedaling furiously: Okay,  ma'am, I'll just put down that you paid in cash, and we SURE ARE pleased to have your business and I SURE HOPE you have a GREAT day.

(Meanwhile, Mr. HM is pacing behind me, worried I'm going to go off on this guy. To his suggestion that he enter my name as Suzie Wong, I SHOULD have responded, "Do I look like a Chinese prostitute to you?" I was thinking it but suffer from an ailment called, "IgnoreRacism-itis," learned over years of being told by my color-blind adoptive parents that racism is all in my own mind). Maybe I should have just responded, "Me no love you long time."

-- Jae Ran

Comments

[young c-m]

Wow, I can't believe that guy said that to you! At least he realized he made an error and tried to correct it. Sorry you had to experience that!

[cindy]

WOW. That is INCREDIBLE. I can't even believe he said that!

[NOT Suzie Wong]

I can't believe you didn't get in that guy's face more and chew him out or make a complaint. I hate it when Asian people play into the passive stereotype that's expected of them. How are things ever going to change?

You need to stand up to guys like that and teach them a lesson. Embarrass and humiliate them so they'll NEVER do it again.

As for Mr. HM? Is that your husband? He's pacing behind you, worried that you're going to go off on this guy? Is he totally emasculated? Why wasn't he the one getting up in that racist cashier's face?

As a hypothetical, what do you think you would have done if your children were with you? Is that the example that you would have wanted to set?

I don't mean to offend. However, as a PROUD Asian-American woman, I take racism on in all aspects of my life.

[Carol]

Whaa ... I keep rubbing my eyes and re-reading because it is so crazy.

Not Suzie Wong: I know you are being supportive, and I respect that you would have been more vocal, but no need to shame or insult Jae Ran or her husband. They are good people and Jae Ran is a major contributor to the Asian-American and KAD voice. She is one of our best.

[Faith]

Um, yeah. Jae Ran is a kick-ass activist and does more to help "the cause" than most. Even if you think you're prepared to handle racism, sometimes you can still be surprised or flabbergasted by it.

[Jae Ran]

Uh, well first of all my husband is certainly not emasculated. I didn't expect and wouldn't expect for him to get in the cashier's face. *I* decided how I wanted to handle it and that's my right, last I heard. The way my husband or anyone else I might have been with handled the situation says nothing to me about their masculinity. I don't know why you would bring that up.

Second of all, I did tell my children about the incident and we talked about how and why it was racist (my kids are 14 and 9). We talked about how I responded. For what it's worth, we talk all the time about different ways to respond to racist incidents. Just because I chose to deal with this incident quietly (and believe me, the cashier KNEW he had offended me and was over-compensating).

There are teachable moments for everyone. Yes, this comment was racist. But I assessed the situation as: this is a clueless, middle aged white guy, who probably had remembered Suzie Wong and didn't understand why I wouldn't be flattered to be "named" after a movie that he probably felt portrayed Asian women in an "exotic" (i.e. positive) fashion. There was no hostility or edge to his voice or his actions. I assessed that this was out of ignorance, not malice. So I didn't respond to him as if it was purposely trying to be an a*hole. Yes, he was but I felt it was out of ignorance.

It was very clear from my expression and my voice that I was offended. Perhaps I could have gone into an explanation of why, but frankly, I didn't feel like it. I have no way of knowing what he'll do with this experience, but I'm hoping that he will know never to use that line again with anyone else.

[Jae Ran]

And thanks Carol and Faith!

[Swan]

Outside of the blantant insult, WHY does this store need your name? I'm getting fed up with stores requesting my email address and zip code these days.

Shoot, I'm gonna start introducing myself as Shaniqua Hernandez-O'Malley.

[Mama Nabi]

Hah. We get all kinds of indignant commenters who think they could handle things better. In my older post, I talked about everyday racism that we face, especially in a state where you ARE often the ONLY non-white face, be it a party, a social gathering, a restaurant... and in library (that's where I am right now and YES, I just looked around and I AM the only non-white person here)... What are we to do? Pick a fight every time? If we do, then we'll have another commenter pipe up to say, "Come on, lighten up, don't get pissy about everything".

Seriously, if I adhered to NOT Suzie Wong's tactic for fighting racism around here, I'd in people's faces all day long. ALL DAY. And not just with "uneducated" or "ignorant" population... there's so much ignorance when it comes to the Asian population in our neck of the woods, to combat each incident would make us batty.

And yes, I echo Carol and Faith - if NOT Suzie Wong knew even half of what Jae Ran does, personally and professionally, to combat racism (and how supportive Mr. HM is and how well-informed her children are), I suspect he/she would be (and SHOULD BE) blushing from that terrible taste of foot in mouth.

[Monkeytoemomma]

I can NOT believe he said that to you! I would have asked to speak to the manager. And then I would have called the District Manager. And then the Regional Manager. You were way too polite.

[eliaday]

Yeah, I can't really believe that he thought it would be funny to call you Suzy Wong. I'm not sure that even calling him Al Bundy back would have done anything. =P

But I agree with others that there's a time and place for responding to racist comments like that. I think there's an emotional cost to not responding (the frustration, anger, etc.), but I also think there's a cost to responding (the energy in to explaining, the feeling that you're still not being heard). I think Jae Ran responded in the way that was right for her at that time, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Not Emasculated]

Hi, I'm Mr. HM… HM and I have been together for over 20 years and in that time we have experienced our share of racism and bigotry. The confrontations have played out in many ways that require different responses… responses that range from protecting and defending to educating the offending party (the latter being the most common – especially with people who know me but have never met HM and think I’m just another white guy the can trust with their bigoted opinion). Even though I shouldn't have to say this, I feel compelled to mention that HM is a potent force and capable of defending herself.

In this situation, the thought running through my mind was “Oh boy, this guy has NO idea who he’s messing with.” While there is no excuse for his ignorance, I could see that if the poor bastard realized his mistake and started to backpedal. If he hadn't he would have quickly discovered that he kicked the wrong beehive. It was a white-knuckled moment for sure, but as it turned out, HM didn’t have to unleash the full force of her fury – Bundy lucked out. I hope he learned something.

[Jae Ran]

I have to laugh at myself for giving the impression that Mr. HM was worried about me going off on the cashier because he didn't want me to make a scene - because Mr. HM knows all too well that that is how I USUALLY react, and he told me afterward he was thinking, "this guy doesn't know WHO he just messed with!" He would have totally backed me up. I think he was as surprised as anyone that I chose to let this guy off so easy.

There are lots of things I should and could do better in terms of how this was handled, but again, it's just how I felt at the time.

There is a much bigger issue at hand, I think this incident points out. When I told my Asian friends about this, they were all outraged and horrified. When I told my non-Asian friends and acquaintances, they didn't know who Suzie Wong was or what she symbolized. That so much of White society doesn't know the context behind Suzie Wong (or Madame Butterfly, or Miss Saigon) other than "exotic Asian woman" speaks volumes to me.

Besides, I have bigger fish to fry. I spent last Tuesday night with my Southern, White adoptive grandfather, who remarked over 5 times during dinner about "Orientals" even going as far as to compliment how well they speak (No, I'm not making this crap up).

Having to fight these stereotypes in my own family sometimes makes me a little weary of battling the whole rest of the world too.

:-)

[Jae Ran]

ps. I should mention that "HM" is my blog moniker, Harlow Monkey. So Mr. HM is Mr. "Harlow Monkey." Sorry for the confusion!

[Green]

I feel compelled to comment, even though usually I just read. Because I grew up with a girl named Susan Wong. Who we sometimes called Susie. I never heard of this movie before reading your post. Susan Wong was not at all slutty, and I don't think any of us who called her Susie Wong were trying to imply she was.

[alilyinthevalley]

I would have been frozen in disbelief. My husband is quicker in uptake and would have eviscerated the offender. It would take the rest of the day for me to process the insult and I would be boiling by the end of the day, keeping the family up with my outrage. As my husband tells me, I have lousy timing.

[Susan]

I live in LA and people still say "Oriental" to me. I just cringe. Blech--but same thing...I assess the offender and generally it is an old or middle aged whitey who is probably just proud of himself for not saying "chink."

[Anna in O.C.]

What an awful situation to be in! :( And sorry that you don't get validated by your parents that YES, racism *does* exist! Thanks for clarifying what Mr. HM stands for. I kept reading it as "Mr. High Maintence" because that's the only HM abbreviation I know, LOL! I knew it couldn't be right though. :)

[My Asian Heritage]

As much as we re-play these types of situations over and over in our head, acting out the "what ifs"....I think in the end our first instincts are always the right ones. I would have done the same thing you did...and it sounds like the guy realized he made a jacka$$ comment. Thanks for sharing.

[MetroDad]

Ignorant racist slights are my hot button so I probably not only would have gone off on the guy but I'd also have complained to his manager, tried to have him fired, toilet-papered his house, and slashed his tires. Reasoning with ignorants never seems to accomplish much. They're too stupid to know any better.

Of course, my wife would probably have been all over the salesman even faster than me.

In the end, we all pick and choose our battles, no?

[Mary]

yikes! I didn't even know about "Suzie Wong" until I read this post and clicked the wiki link.

[Nina]

This post made me jaw drop. Sometimes, people are so dumb. It's like...THAT is what comes to his head first!?!?!?

And Jae Ran, you rock. You made it clear that what he said was unacceptable and that was enough for that situation.

It sucks that you have to deal with that even within your own family.

[ChineseCanuck]

Just make up a fake name. I usually use Jessica or Kate.

[Papa2Hapa]

Jae Ran kicks mondo ass.

I worked in a shoe store when I was 18 and faced a lot of racism.

One elderly (it's always elderly white people) couple began talking to me earnestly about food, and then suddenly they said, "well of course you like fish because you're Asian."

My manager was right there and just looked shocked as hell, until I said, "well you're white, so you like cheeseburgers and fries, right?" and stormed off into the stockroom.

I didn't get fired, and the manager actually apologized to ME that I had to have that happen. I got a raise that week. A whole ten cents per hour over my salary, which I think was something like $6.15 an hour.

[Jenn]

HM's comment about her "color-blind adoptive parents" struck a cord with me. There's a generation gap in understanding what racism in the United States is and middle-aged White people who lived through the 1960's seem to forget that it is an on-going issue involving more complicated education, immigration and security policies then it did then.

[Amie]

If you were Suzy Wong, a famous movie star, then shouldn't he have given you the shoes for free?

[Jae Ran]

Ha ha, Amie, I think I should have got those shoes for free either way!!

:-)

[Kristen]

Hindsight is 20-20, however, based on your reference to this geezer as Al Bundy, you should have said, "May I call you Al Bundy?" Stupid trailer trash that he is.

[Kristen]

Like one of the PPs, I am also slow to react, but replay the situation and my blood is boiling by the end of the day. I never know what to say during these types of incidences. They don't happen so blatantly too often, just pop up out of the blue when I'm relaxed.

Once this late 30s/early 40s guy wearing a short-sleeve button up and tie asked me a question as I was waiting for the metro. I responded and he said, "You speak English without an accent." I replied, "Well, since my family has been here for 100 years, I guess it's about time." His reply was, "I know, my family is Italian." His response is illogical, but I guess he realized what an a$$ he was. I soon jumped on the metrotrain that had just arrived. You get them EVERYwhere. Not just in hillbilly hell.

[blackbelt]

Your last comment made me laugh! But in that evil, cackle kind of laugh! I think you done good - you made the point with him. If he really were Al Bundy, he wouldn't have gotten it, but he was certainly tasting leather sole.

You might enjoy my comment about being colorblind.
http://blackbeltoma.blogspot.com/2008/05/colorblind.html

[Jennifer]

Jae Ran -

I realize how old this posting is. I just stumbled onto the Kimchi Mamas today. I'm enthralled. I read more than half the comments. I would have done the same as you in that situation. And I have been pondering this lately, but first my comments:

This man was ignorant. It was racist.

Most racist people are ignorant. Sadly.

I tend to act poorly against racism. I get angry. It happened when I lived in Africa. I now live in Australia. It happens here too. People in other countries don't see it as racism like we Americans do. I won't go into a lengthy cultural explanation about the whys but what I can't understand for even myself is why we are angry at these ignorant idiots! Do we feel compelled to teach them a lesson - to enlighten them about stereotypes? Are they stereotyping or are they real racists? Does embarrassment teach them about how their stereotypes are false?

My example: I was staying at a hotel (just a week ago). I must have looked like I worked there. A man drove up and asked me, "You rent?" (Or maybe I looked like a prostitute, but he was with another woman presumably his significant other.) Based on how he said it, I don't think he thought I could speak English. It happens often in small towns (I live in Australia). I should have said, in a poor "stereotypical Asian accent" - "me don't know you SOB &*^%..." by plainly changing back to my obvious NOT AUSTRALIAN or ASIAN accent, but my PURELY AMERICAN accent. Would it have taught him a lesson? I was too embarrassed for him so instead I told him in my plain, as strong as possible, American accent that he would probably have to go to the front office and ask the manager if there was a room available for him.