The Reluctant Kimchi Mama

 Although I am one of the original Kimchi Mamas, I have not been a regular poster for some time now. For the most part, my absence is due to a demanding full-time job that sucks up most of my life, even though I consider work to be a lesser priority than my family. When I am not working as a fundraiser for a Major State University, I am juggling the needs of my family, including a radiant four-year old daughter; a terrific forty-three year old husband; and a humble, old hound.*

Because the Kimchi Mamas community has grown so much over the past year, I’d like to take this opportunity to re-introduce myself. I am Twizzle, an online moniker I’ve used since the early nineties when I first started using email. While I think frequently about outing myself and using my real name on this blog (and on my personal one), I always get cold feet and decide against it. Why must I hide behind a thin cloak of anonymity? Primarily to protect my family. I suppose if I were to blog only about myself, I would feel more free to use my real name; however, because I write so voluminously about my daughter, I feel that I owe it to her to protect her privacy, as well as safeguard her from any malefactors who might comb through Asian American mom blogs for whatever perverted reason.

I am half-Korean, on my mother’s side, and half Anglo-Saxon (WASP), on my dad’s side. I was born, raised, and higher-educated in Santa Barbara, California, and then moved to the San Francisco Bay Area in the late eighties to make a life for myself. In 2009, I’ll have lived in the Bay Area for twenty years!

My mother, who was born in Seoul, hails from a generation of Koreans who vividly remember the Japanese occupation, World War II, and the Korean War. She left Korea at the end of the Korean War, attended the University of Hawaii on a prestigious scholarship, met my dad, and then married him. While my mother and I don’t talk about that episode much, I know that her decision to marry my dad led to a break in family ties, resulting in my mom staying away from Korea for the next 25 or more years, going back only once (with me in the early 1980s) to see her ailing mother one last time before she died.

So, these are some details about me. I think of myself as the reluctant Kimchi Mama because I’m the one who’s always mulling over such tired issues as, “Am I really Korean-American when I don’t speak the language, am married to a white guy, and my only connection to Korea is my mom – who, herself, has totally rejected Korean culture?” And my daughter – who’s a quarter Korean … Can she claim Korean-American-ness, when her cultural ties to Korea are even more tenuous than my own?

These are the issues I have written about, and wish to learn more about as I dialog with you, my community of Korean-American moms and dads. Korean-American identity and hapa identity are my two main blogging interests here, but I am hoping to expand my repertoire in  coming months. Thank you for welcoming me as part of this wonderful group. I look forward to getting to know more of you.

*We are currently going through a Charlotte’s Web phase at our house, hence the use of these adjectives.

 

Comments

[Carol]

Oh, Twiz ... you are one of the first Kimchi Mamas I started to read, when I became a mama (I already had the Kimchi part down). I like to think of all of us as different fingers of the same hand (a hand with a lot of fingers!). And I hear you ... even though I'm full Korean, American, I'm still trying to figure out what "being Korean" means in my life, and my child's life, too. You *are* part of a legacy, good and bad, and this is the perfect place to sort it all out.

[Jae Ran]

I like the re-introduction! It's fun to read and get to "know" you - again!

[Asianmommy]

My parents are from Taiwan. I consider myself Taiwanese-American (and Chinese-American) regardless of the fact that I'm not fluent in the language and know very little of the culture. It is still a part of who I am. That holds true for my daughters, who I hope will feel the same way some day, no matter who we marry.

[Nina]

I was raised with very little Korean influence. I didn't learn the language. My mom, who is Korean, was very assimilated. But as an adult, I have chosen to "reclaim" so to speak, my Koreanness.

All fodder for another post, but all this to say that...well, we like that you're here with us. You belong. You're Korean too, no matter how "tenuous" the ties.

[Diana]

I'm happy for the reintroduction since I see you in the comments and I am never good at placing people from there. Nice to re-meet you!

I was just thinking about this last night while playing with my 1 year old and I couldn't stop laughing. There has been a lot of talk lately on the web about what the requirements should be to call yourself "korean". Well, when my daughter gives kisses after hearing "Po po"...eats when we say "mogo"....and more importantly crinkles up her nose when we say "pangu" -
she is in all due right to claim her "koreanness" - so to speak! :)

[Linda]

Love your re-introduction.
And I adore Charlotte's web, so your references to the movie made me smile.

[Monkeytoemomma]

I'm a new reader, so nice to meet you!
I totally understand what you are saying. I've always thought of myself as Korean. Growing up, we always tried to integrate the Korean culture into our lives, although we didn't have the benefit of having a large Korean community around us. Korean was my first language but after moving to the States, I didn't want to speak it anymore because the kids were so cruel to me. As the years went on, the line to my Korean identity became thinner. I always tried to hang on to the remaining wisps of my mom's culture but when I tried to befriend a Korean girl in my microbiology class a few years ago, she told me that I wasn't a "Real Korean". This is when I learned that I was a fraudulent Korean to “real” Koreans - Korean Koreans, not Korean Americans like me. I was a little sad because she wouldn't even give me the opportunity to learn more about being a Korean.

[twizzle]

Monkeytoemomma - thanks for your post. I'm sorry you, too, had the experience of being shunned by Korean-Koreans. I wrote a post about exactly what you describe a while ago. Here's the URL. Nice to meet you, too!

http://kimchimamas.typepad.com/kimchi_mamas/2007/06/quarter_half_re.html

Disclaimer: In my above post, I use the term "whitey." I am sorry if this term is offensive, but I am not going to go back and edit my old post because it reflects what I meant at the time.

However, after Dick Cheney's racist jibe about West Virginians being incestuous, I have come to realize that terms like this-- as well as "cracker" and "honkey," can be just as injurious as the n-word, in certain contexts. (Appalachians deserve respect, too!) So, from now on -- even though 50% of me is Caucasian -- I will try to refrain from using such epithets about white people -- even though we are such a fun group to mock!

[alilyinthevalley]

I was born in Korea, spent my early years there before emigrating. I thought I was Korean until real Korean Koreans told me I wasn't much of a Korean since I didn't speak the language well, know the culture nor had good Korean manners. I find myself an outcast. I would not mind so much if I didn't have my son. He deserves some linkage to his mother's heritage, so I am making an effort to introduce him to koreanness beyond his Korean mama.

[joelsa]

Has anyone watched the Namesake? It's an Indo-american movie but while I was watching it, I kept thinking that the themes are so universal for all asian-americans. When we are younger, we have blonde ambition. But sometime as we get older (for me it was college), we realize that our heritage is something to be proud of and certain aspects of our being are immutable. I wasn't raised very korean though I am 100%. I was never forced to speak korean, eat korean, act "yamjahnee." My mom wanted me to be a strong, independent woman. Then I married a 100% korean blooded guy from Iowa whose mom is stuck in 1950's korea. She berated me for addressing my husband by name, expected me to wait on her hand and foot while I was 7 months pregnant with #2, and resented me for not sending her money regularly while I was working. Is it wrong of me to think that she really epitomizes a Korean "new mom" (literal translation of korean word for mother in law)? With all those korean dramas of these crazy korean moms, she doesn't seem to be straying too far from the norm. I would love to collect short stories from korean american women about their relationship with their MILs. It would be the antithesis of Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club. Would you read a book like this?

[joelsa]

Has anyone watched the Namesake? It's an Indo-american movie but while I was watching it, I kept thinking that the themes are so universal for all asian-americans. When we are younger, we have blonde ambition. But sometime as we get older (for me it was college), we realize that our heritage is something to be proud of and certain aspects of our being are immutable. I wasn't raised very korean though I am 100%. I was never forced to speak korean, eat korean, act "yamjahnee." My mom wanted me to be a strong, independent woman. Then I married a 100% korean blooded guy from Iowa whose mom is stuck in 1950's korea. She berated me for addressing my husband by name, expected me to wait on her hand and foot while I was 7 months pregnant with #2, and resented me for not sending her money regularly while I was working. Is it wrong of me to think that she really epitomizes a Korean "new mom" (literal translation of korean word for mother in law)? With all those korean dramas of these crazy korean moms, she doesn't seem to be straying too far from the norm. I would love to collect short stories from korean american women about their relationship with their MILs. It would be the antithesis of Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club. Would you read a book like this?

[Monkeytoemomma]

Twizzle - thank you! I will check out the link!

Joelsa - I would read it!

[KS]

Twizzle, thanks for the post, I think we both are on the same wavelength. I'm 1/2 Korean, 1/2 Caucasian and my mom fully assimilated into American culture. She never spoke Korean to us (or around us), we ate some food, but we never learned the Korean names for what we ate (which makes eating out at Korean restaurants challenging when I want something but don't know what it is!). My aunt also married an American and can barely speak Korean anymore! Maybe it was a generational thing, or the era when they came to the US, but both of them were concerned about their kids being treated differently because we all were mixed, so they just opted to assimilate (completely).

So now that I'm a mama to an almost 3 year old who is 1/4 Korean, I find myself wanting to learn more about being Korean (more than just K-dramas and food). Not knowing the language has been a challenge when I meet other Koreans (and Korean moms). I'm automatically an outsider because I can't communicate. I miss all the inside jokes and the perfect Korean words to describe somthing because its all lost in translation. It feels a bit like I'm trying to hang with the "in" crowd and I don't fit in. Perhaps the comparison is a little dramatic, but it hurts when the group breaks off into Korean and nobody bothers to translate/explain. I know a total of about 15 Korean words and that really handicaps a Korean conversation.

Its frustrating and challenging to find a happy medium where my non-Caucasian husband and I can fit in with other Koreans and their kids. Ironically, I've found that most of the kids are 1/2 Korean, 1/2 Caucasian themselves. I wonder if the moms think about the questions their kids will as themselves as they get older and consider their identities (as I did). Nevertheless, its posts like yours that give me hope. The positive responses from other readers make me feel like I shouldn't give up. Thanks for the re-introduction and I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Carol]

Joelsa - wow - talk about two ends of the spectrum. That must be very frustrating, two totally different messages.

KS - completely relate (and I'm full Korean-American). Fortunately (or sadly), the only place where I've felt I can be myself with others who "get it" is here online, through KM and other like-minded blogger friends. I find I don't fit in with most circles ... my husband (non-American) and I often feel like misfits, the only place we belong is with each other. The good friends I have made since becoming a mom have kind of naturally gravitated towards other mixed families, and the parents that are most friendly towards us at the daycare are mixed as well. Maybe it's not that you need to fit in, it's finding people who fit you :-) Hang in there.

[Mary]

Joelsa - your MIL sounds like a nightmare. I'm so sorry. I don't think "shi-uh-muh-nee" (MIL) means "new mom." I'm not sure what the "shi" means. Anyone know what this character means? 媤

[Eyong]

I've been a regular reader for the last few months, but this is my first comment. I'm not a mama yet, but I've got some Kimchi issues. It is a relief to see others who struggle with their "right" to claim an ethnic heritage! On the other hand, sometimes I feel trite self defining by that standard at all.....does anyone else agree?

[mom2divas]

I'm sorry to hear all these stories of my fellow kimchi mamas being shunned by other Koreans. I am proud of my Korean heritage (both my parents are Korean) but I am ashamed by those who osticize fellow Korean peers because they are "not 100%" what does that mean? It's hard enough having to deal with being a minority, we don't need our own kind to make us feel bad about it. Twiz, alillyinthevalley, you're all Korean sisters to me no matter what. Thanks for writing and sharing with us. And Joelsa, yes I would read such a book.

[DelicateFlower]

Twizzle - Your family history is so similar to mine, I almost could have written some of those paragraphs verbatim. My Korean mom - same generation as your mom - met my white dad at grad school in California, had something of a break with her family, took us to Korea in the 80s to visit her dying mother. I just gave birth to a quarter-Korean baby six weeks ago, and it's gotten me thinking lots about what his Korean identity will be - should we have a 100 Days celebration for him? A Dol? Should he call my mom Grandma or Halmoni? How will he learn any Korean, when mine is limited to food words and the lyrics to Santoki?

[Kristen]

DelicateFlower, LOL. I was picturing an adult singing Santoki.

[joelsa]

Mary--I always thought that is what "shi" meant but I think I am mixing it up with "shin." I am curious to know...does anybody know out there?

I also wonder if my kids will identity with their Korean heritage when my husband and I are so "americanized." Somehow I believe, and maybe I am being delusional, that our kids will not feel out of place in both cultures. I pray that our kids will not feel the need to disassociate with their korean heritage in order to fit in. The funny thing is I live in west LA so you would think there are Asian-americans everywhere. But I have been hard-pressed to find a decent constituency in our neighborhood public schools. I purposefully moved into a neighborhood whose school has about 8% asian because I didn't want my kids to be the only asian kids in their classes.

[faith]

Twizzle, I've been reading Kimchi Mamas since the beginning but it was good to read about your background again. I really relate to your background: I'm half Korean and married to a white and have a quarter-Korean baby.

I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading your views on things.

[alilyinthevalley]

Thank you, mom2divas.

[M.A.]

I'm 1/2 white [dad] 1/2 korean [mom]. I'm always feeling like an outsider. When I start thinking of myself as white, someone makes a comment [or, like my mil, they request a chinese cabbage salad from me, which I'd never even made before]. My in-laws, including my husband, have always thought of me as 100% Asian, but when I gave birth to a fair skinned, light haired, blue eyed baby, it's like my husband realized I wasn't. When we started talking about my son's baek-il and tol and all the details, my husband said "Does your mom know that ds isn't Korean? Because she keeps trying to dress him up in Korean clothes." [I was nervous to tell him that I'd actually asked my mom to help me with these things and my mom wasn't actually imposing these things on us.] It hurt me that my husband would completely discount that part of me from my son based on his looks. Where we live is NOT culturally diverse, and it's nice to peak into the lives of other people experiencing similar things, even if I never meet them. When I first found this blog, I felt like an intruder, that I wasn't asian enough, but now it's my secret fix and I feel like I'm not alone trying to figure these things out.