Hi, I'm the non-Kimchi Mama!

Recently, Carol posed a question asking why folks that were not Korean, Korean America, Korean American adoptees (KAD), or in a relationship with any of the above come to this site.  So here's my re-introduction.

Hi, I'm eliaday.  I am not Korean, Korean American, an adoptee, nor am I in a relationship with any of the above.  I am a Chinese American single mom working in education.

So why am I here? 

Well, two years ago when this blog was started by the fabulous Nina and Stefania and others, I was married to a Korean American, which whom I had an 18 month old daughter.  We were living in socal, 10 minutes away from Halmony and Harabeogi.

Fast forward to today:  Now, I am divorced from my daughter's father, living in Boston, 30 minutes away from Gi-gi and Pop-pop (what my daughter calls my parents).

In a way, I am far far away from the things that initially attracted me to reading blogs like Charlie and Nina, Weigook Saram, and City Mama. I don't really have a Korean MIL to deal with, the Korean American man in my life isn't really present (he lives in LA).  Boston doesn't have a big Korean American population at all.  So what's my connection?

I think that now more than ever, I struggle with trying to raise my daughter to appreciate her ethnic heritage - both her Chinese American side, and her Korean American side.  I struggle enough trying to figure out how to infuse my daughter with a pride in being Chinese American. I am nearly at a loss at how to infuse my daughter with a sense of being Korean American.  As much as possible, I try to read her books about Korean Americans (this one by Paula Yoo seems particularly timely!).  But if I had to describe why my daughter is Korean American it would be her exclaiming that she pangu-ed! (farted) and the fact that she loves rice and kim.

That doesn't seem to be a very full exploration of what it means to be Korean... so I turn to you all to help me figure out what it means to raise a Korean American child in the absence of a Korean American parent.  And I turn to you all to figure out what it means to be an Asian American mother raising an Asian American child in the 21st century.  And I am given strength in knowing that I am not struggling in isolation or struggling alone.

~ eliaday

Comments

[christina]

I am not a kimchi mama either, I am Chinese-American married to a Caucasian guy with an adopted daughter from China...so I have no, zero, connection to anything Korean, Korean-Am, except when it comes to food.....mmmmm, foood. Sorry, I digress. I started coming here over a year ago and have since bookmarked all the kimichi mamas' sites and visit them on a regular basis too. For me it was about finding other As-Am parents (go to Rice Daddies and a few of the daddy blogs too) who are -as Eliaday so aptly put it, "what it means to be an Asian American mother raising an Asian American child in the 21st century. And I am given strength in knowing that I am not struggling in isolation or struggling alone." It is comforting to read posts and comments and think "Oh my god, that's me! That's happening to me too." That's why I'm here, to know that there are other people who understand the nuances of living in two cultures.

[Multicultural Mama]

I am too, not a Kimchi mama. I am Chinese, Mexican and Basque married to a Pennsylvania Dutch husband so my kids are a definite mix of cultures. My younger son looks much more of a mix, my older son looks much more like his father. (pictures posted here)

I definitely feel isolated raising them in the mid-west. Chicago is diverse but segregated with the definitive lines literally drawn in the sand. People know this and I guess are used to it. I admittedly had a hard time dating when I first moved here because I wasn't a mid-west/Big 10 sorority girl from Iowa. But I stayed and met my husband and settled down and we'll be here for awhile. So we seek out the summer camps and schools that seem to have the most diversity even if it means driving 7 miles each way. I try to cook as much of a mix of food as I can but it's still not the same. Many of my friends growing up in SF were Filipina. Similiar but different, but support nonetheless.

Slight digression, I remember going to see Margaret Cho at UC Santa Cruz--back in the day. It was the Asian Student Union that was hosting her as part of a fundraiser with other ethnic student groups. The room was a mix of people and we all were falling over laughing because we understood what she was talking about when it came to the nuances of growing up in an Asian family. It made sense--to all of us, whether we were Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese,Japanese or Filipina. It was community and I miss that. I can't discuss how my mother makes me nuts to my neighbors--they don't understand the nuances and I can't expect them to.

So, I come here, and I blog on my own to find that community and the sense of laughter and relief at times. Parenting isn't easy and somehow, I think because so many of us have chosen to marry "outside our culture" and moved far from home (good choice for me, I have to admit), it's harder to be a parent, let alone an As-Am mom in the 21st century.

[Carol]

Oh, but eliaday, I would say you have one of *the* most important Korean-connections - your child :-) What better reason to seek out community.

If I ever were to get divorced (do not read into this friends, I am more than happily married), I would also want to make sure my son had access to Peruvian culture, food, his relatives ... and it's hard enough as it is, even my husband finds himself speaking in English lately more than Spanish, etc. Just being who we are (us, you, everyone here) can be a challenge in this country.

[Twizzle]

Thanks for the re-intro, Eliaday! Reading your post made me realize how far many of us have come (changed/improved our life circumstances) since the KM blog started. We've come a long way, baby!

[Asianmommy.com]

I agree with Carol. You're totally a Kimchi Mama if you've got a Kimchi Baby! :)

[The Wrong MJ]

Eliaday, I enjoy reading your posts. If I were ever to divorce my DH (who is KA, I'm taiwanese american), I too would be in a similar situation as you. As multicultural mama pointed out though, one of the best things about this blog is that I know this is a place I can go to and ppl will, "get" me. I also agree with carol, that your connection with with the korean aspect of this site is your daughter! :)

I live in a rural area in the midwest with less than an 1% asian population. I actually grew up in a town similar in demographics, so I am used to it, but it doesn't mean I am immune to the fact that I know that we stick out like sore thumbs and deal with issues that 99% of the ppl in our area could never relate to and childhood for my siblings and I was especially brutal, esp when it came to racial taunting. I don't really know anyone in my area that understands what it's like to be 2nd gen asian american or what it's even like to be a minority at all. This has been one of the only places online that I have found as a type of support group for asian american parents. I have tried going to other asian american msg boards and they are full of a bunch of militant sounding asian american teenagers who can't spell and are reduced to using racial/ethnic slurs and basically sounding like a bunch of immature brats. No thanks! This place is so great, because there is no other place online that has filled this need to connect with other asian american parents as KM has. Even if I wasn't married to a korean american, I would still visit this blog, just because I identify so much with what the posters here have posted. I really don't read any other blogs except for this one and never really, understood the whole craze of blogging until I stumbled upon this site.

[Masita]

I am hispanic from the Dominican Republic and I love Kimchi Mamas. I dated a first generation Korean-american for a while. It did not work out but I was left wondering so much about the culture that I am always wanting to learn more about it. I know that my ex will not ever marry anyone who does not meet his mom's standard of approval. Now, I am happily committed to my Colombian boyfriend and happier than ever. However, there are many differences between south americans and dominicans people. I guess we take it one step at a time. Like soup, spoon by spoon.

[Jae Ran]

Eliaday, I enjoyed reading your re-intro! Thanks for sharing, and I hope you always find Kimchi Mamas a welcoming place. I know I think of you as one of "us" in every way!

[Marz]

Hi again!
I think you raise a great point- how to provide a heritage reference for your daughter as she grows up. It seems like once you grow up, it's hard to recreate that familiarity. My kids' Abuelita as well as Halmony & Haroboji live nearby, so they have that easy reference.
I think the food is a great place to start. If the whole access to the food culture is provided for her, she can get a better sense of that as she matures. Also all the words associated? Pan-chan, man-ee-moh-go (eat more!) and such. That helps I think, at least it helps me as an outsider to get by with a few words I can say at the table (altho my Korean is limited to that.) If you have a nearby Korean restaurant, maybe frequenting it, getting to know those women that work there?
Maybe visiting Korea one day if that's an option?
I have a book called The Korean Cinderella. Also a cute illustrated book (no words) made by a korean woman is cute: Wave by Suzy Lee, about a little girl, and her mother is at the end of the book.
Before I had kids, I purchased two little Madame Alexander dolls, one a Mexican girl, one a Korean girl (eBay.) Of course, I had boys. But I am still going to display them soon. I have maps for my 5 yr old, and show him where on the map his different grandparents are from.
I plan on telling them the stories of their grandparents' lives in time.
My MIL keeps telling my it's time for my 5yo to start Korean classes at her church. In time he will.
But I gotta teach him (and learn better for myself) Spanish, too!
If they're lucky & we work hard, my boys will end up tri-lingual where daddy & I failed to be 100% bi-lingual (both our siblings are fully bi-lingual. We over-blended I guess.)
Just some ideas.
: )

[Nina]

Love the re-introduction Eliaday. We have come a long way.

Masita - that's a great little quote "Like soup, spoon by spoon." Love it.

[Multicultural Mama]

There was an article in Real Simple magazine a few years back. I was able to find it online (pg 7 of the enclosed link)
China Connection and it still makes me smile when I read it. I can imagine adoptive parents probably have as much of a challenge as we do if not more.

[eliaday]

I have to say that I have always always felt welcomed by everyone here.

I never felt like an outsider from you all; I think sometimes I have my own internal doubt.... all these questions about authenticity, being whatever-enough... I'm sure this stems from my own questioning of being Chinese American enough.

But I'm happy to have a discussion with you all about why we come here... because here are so many different things that we all have in common.

[weigook saram/ Rachel]

Eliaday, I'm really glad you're around. Yours was one of the first blogs I've read, and I'm happy for you and all the progress you've made in your life.

[Mary]

Totally agree with others that if you got a kimchi kid, you are a kimchi mama by default. Even if you don't want to be. But who wouldn't want to be? =P

[Didi]

Thanks for this post, Eliaday.

I'm white (Irish/Scottish/and some Cherokee) and my ex is a KAD, so I often feel at a loss for knowing how to talk to Noodle about her Koreanness. P2H does a good job of it, I think, but I still feel a little alone.

Noodle has other hapa friends at school, but none are part Korean (they're all Chinese or Chinese-Jamaican), so I don't know any parents locally to talk about it with.

[Julie]

I guess I'm not really a Kimchee Mama either, but I do have a few ties to Korea. I lived in Seoul in the mid 70s when I was in 2nd through 4th grade, and our family adopted my little sister (who I absolutely adore) while we were there. As a Third Culture Kid (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_Culture_Kids) who grew up all around the world (Indonesia, Lebanon, Liberia, Korea, the Philippines) now living in Texas (at least I'm in Austin) I guess I miss all the cross-cultural things I grew up around, and I seek out things from the countries of my childhood. I love Korean food (especially bulgogi and yaki mandu) and have many happy memories from my years there. We went to Children's Park and Seorak San and Itaewon and took field trips to the Korean folk village and to various temples and palaces, and I loved the fabulous depth of culture and history in Korea. My sister (who is now 30) has no memory of Korea, but as a former professional chef, she taught herself how to make some SERIOUSLY good, authentic Korean food. We sometimes have Korean feast on Thanksgiving instead of turkey! =) I really enjoy coming here and reading and enjoying the viewpoints expressed here. As the mother of 4 young sons, I also appreciate hearing the stories of other mothers. I hope I am Kimchee Mama enough to hang with this community, because you guys are COOL.

[Anna in O.C.]

Hi there,

I'm not a Kimchee Mama either. I'm also Chinese-American (living in O.C.) & married to a Korean-American (originally from Chicago but transplanted to San Fernando Valley). We have 7 y.o. twin girls who are learning their Chinese & Korean culture. Not really learning the language as much (honestly, they are learning more Spanish than Chinese or Korean!). I look forward to reading your posts!

[Lil]

I am not a mom nor a kimchi mama but I am an American living in Korea. I think that puts a little qualification under my belt. =)

[koreanadoptee]

I'm a Korean Adoptee and the reason I'm on here is because I like to see what real Korean women think and do etc. I have more tiest to Japan since my adopted mother is Japanese American and her family is all Japanese with Japanese traditions. I love Kimchi mamas though because it helps me keep a tie with Korea too. My adopted father is a decendent from England.

[ChineseCanuck]

I'm no Kimchimama (Chinese Canadian, no kiddies yet). I came here through Racialicious, when they posted about non-white bloggers not getting (as many) freebies for blogging. I guess I kind of got addicted! My only ties to Korea/Koreans are my elementary school crush and a bunch of kids who shared a piano teacher with me!

[Carole in Korea]

I'm Polish/Irish Canadian.

I live in Seoul with my equally-white Canadian husband.

We're the only non-Koreans for miles around in my working-class Seoul neighbourhood.

Kids in the neighbourhood call me "Waygookin Ajumah."

Do I count? ;)