I JUST had a thought in my head.
Is it possible that my mother resents my existence?
Is it possible that she resents the fact that I was born?
Is it possible that she wishes that she never had me?
I think the answer is yes. Well, maybe not today, but yeah... maybe when I was younger. Don't worry, I am not having a pity party over here.
There was a family reunion recently and I heard some things from some people. My conclusion is that my mom got pregnant way too early in life when she probably didn't want/plan to be pregnant. She become a mother to two girls so close in age that they are almost twins. Me and my sister are just 1 year apart. I'm pretty sure my sister was not planned and for the life of me, I can't see how my mother would have wanted another child so immediately afterwords.
I think motherhood is (was?) more of a burden to her than privilege... something that I can partly understand because, well, motherhood is so very hard. And also since my child was a surprise. No, I do NOT think my baby is a burden... well, ok, maybe just sometimes when tantrums are thrown very loudly in public places. And no, I most certainly do not take my motherhood for granted. This life that I've been entrusted with, this life is precious and I'm doing my best to see it as precious every day.
But, I can't help knowing that motherhood is a burden for many mothers. Mothers who found themselves with an unplanned pregnancy, decided (by choice or maybe not) to have the baby, and were burdened with the responsibility of caring for another life for the rest of their life. Maybe it's a wide spectrum. Bitterness and hatred on one end. Overwhelmed with love and affection on the other. The situation and context might be the same but the person determines how they will respond.
Do I hate my mother now? No. I don't. Life is life. But what I do want is for her to be honest about the past. No excuses please. Please don't play the victim card. I know far too many people who've had suckier cards dealt to them. Take responsibility for the decisions made.
But also, I don't want her to pretend to be the mother that she wasn't... and isn't. I guess the hard part is that so much of who she IS as a mother depends on who she WAS as a mother. And unfortunately, the past that cannot be changed.
Does she deserve a second chance? To prove to me that she does indeed not take my daughter hood for granted? Does she want a second chance? Does she even know that it's a second chance? Do I cover up the past, the void left by her absence, and give her the benefit of the doubt that she did the best she could? Did she really do the best she could? Do I let her have the joys of seeing her daughter grown up, the joys of being a part of my children's lives, the privilege of being welcomed into my new home and family? Aren't those privileges that comes to those who have paid the dues that motherhood demands? I am referring to the very basic dues - being there, providing food, providing shelter...
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Does all this just mean that I really need a good shrink?
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Posted anonymously. If you would like to submit a story to be posted anonymously, please e-mail kimchimamas@gmail.com.
