Nagging moms

I swear, my mom says the SAME THING at least like 5 times during ONE phone conversation.  Is it me or do Korean mothers nag more than other mothers?

Of course, I have never had a White, Black, or non-Korean mother so I have no idea if they indeed do nag less than Korean mothers but...

Take the last phone conversation I had with my mother.  She told me like 10 times how important it was to take care of myself.  (I just had a baby.) I have to rest. I have to not touch cold water. I have to eat a lot. I have to do this and that and then she repeated the same things over and over again.  I almost snapped at her, "You already SAID that like 10 times!"

I think it was partially fueled by guilt... cuz she wasn't here with me to take care of me.  Which she should NOT feel guilty at all since we asked her not to come even though she offered to come.  Maybe she feels guilty that we would rather her not come?  I mean, what does that say about her?

Anyway, it really annoys the hell out of me when she repeats the same shit over and over again.  I think that is one of the things that drove me crazy when she was living with me. I mean, once or twice, sure, I'll take your advice and consider it but really?  Repeating it 50 times?  Really?  I mean, even my toddler doesn't repeat stuff that many times.

What possibly compels her to do this?  Does she forget that she already said that?  Does she have nothing else to talk about?

I was reading 1 2 3 Magic and one tools that kids use to get their way is badgering... being so annoying, like asking for something 50 times, to the point that the parent gets badgered into giving in and letting the kid have their way.  That's the way I feel when I talk to my mother.  She badgers me by saying the same thing over and over again... 

Now that we don't live together, and our phone conversations aren't even that frequent, I didn't want to have a fight over the phone so I just say "Nae" to everything she said... even though it was the 50th time she said it.  But seriously, by the 10th time, I am ready to remind her that she's already said that... but I bit my tongue and let her say the same thing... again and again.

How about your mother?  Does she say the same thing to you over and over again?  Like maybe some smart advice about being a good wife?  Or maybe something about how to raise your children?

Let's all have a venting session.

-Mary

Oh, another adorable picture of baby Aiden.

Comments

[twizzle]

Adorable baby picture!

My Korean mom nags, but the scary thing is, SO DO I! In fact, my five year old daughter has started giving it right back to me, saying things like: "I KNOW, Mom! You already TOLD me that!" I realize that am just like my mom, possibly worse!

I have a theory about why my mom repeats herself so much: I think it's because she is not accustomed to people really listening to her. She doesn't think I'm paying attention, so it doesn't seem as though she's being repetitive. I feel the same way. When I ask my daughter if she likes something and I get an unsatisfactory answer, I'll ask again later, hoping for a different answer. Same with telling her to do things. If she doesn't do the thing (put on your shoes!), I'll ask again. Then I will tell her. Then my husband will start counting, one... two... with the tacit understanding that if he gets to three, some unpleasant consequences are forthcoming.

Mother/daughter relationships are intrinsically complicated! Maybe you are blessed to have sons!

[JG1]

Your son is completely adorable!
My white Swiss/German mom nags constantly. She repeats everything past the point of irritation. She repeats the same stuff to the point that I don't want to talk with her somtimes. I do agree a little with Twizzle though, I think my mom grew up and then married into an enviroment where she had no say and no one really listened to her because she was female. So sometimes I think her repetion comes from years of tryig to make herself heard. Other times I think shes just gone senile. Most often though I think she feels guilty. To alleviate her feelings of guilt she nags and badgers in an attempt to assert herself into our lives. Unfortunately I'm 38 years old and while I still need my mother I don't need a mommy. We'd have a better relationship and there'd be less guilt if she didn't.

[Asianmommy]

Haha, twizzle! My daughter says that to me, too. "Mom, I know! You already told me that a million times!"

[Julie Kang]

My mom totally does that too, even in normal everyday conversation! Like she'll tell the punchline to a funny story like 4-5 times. I'm sure it's a speaking style, as her sister and her own mom do it too (they're from Pusan if that makes a difference). I used to take it personally, like "Yes Mom, I get it I get it" but now I realize that it's just her way of talking.

[jiji]

Both my mom and MIL do it. My MIL ... we call her *broken record*.

[The Wrong MJ]

YES! My Taiwanese mother does this and I also get it from my kmil too! I feel like pulling my hair out and running for the hills when they are both on my case. My kmil has already been preaching to me about having to wear all long sleeved EVERYTHING and knee socks after I have baby #3 (I am due any day), even though it is the middle of summer and hot and humid out.

My brothers and I always refer to it as the, "broken record effect." My parents in particular have a bad habit of repeating the same thing over and over if they are NOT happy with our answer. I remember in college, "what are you going to major in?" I would tell them and then they would keep on asking me, b/c basically they were NOT happy with my answer, so they would pretend they did not hear it or something. They also do it when they think I should listen to their advice and I am ignoring it and are basically being pushy. Like my mom is not supportive of breastfeeding and she would keep asking me when I was going to wean when I had my first baby. I would tell her I had no intention to wean (she wanted me to wean when he was only a wk old!!!!), but then she would keep asking me EVERY time she spoke or saw me (plus she brought over cans of formula for the first six months of his life every time she came over!). It was SUPER annoying, and basically, b/c I did not want to take her (bad) advice, she just felt the need to keep repeating herself. I told her later on about how unsupportive it was of her to do that (constantly ask when I was going to wean and bring over formula that I told her NOT to bring) and she got upset and told me I had no right to be mad at her, b/c she had, "good intentions." ARGH! It was awful and she still does it. I feel like it's a passive aggressive type of behavior, something that I think a lot of Asian mothers are notorious for, b/c they don't want to do a full on confrontation, so they think that being a nag is the, "low key" way to go, not realizing that it's actually MORE annoying to be constantly nagged.

Yeah and the sad part is that I find myself repeating things all the times to my own kids. My sons will say, "okay, okay." The problem is that they are like my DH, I will ask a question and they don't answer, so I keep asking it until I get an answer. My DH (and my kids) will be like, "Yeah, I heard you the first time." I of course am like, "Well, if you heard me, why didn't you answer????" Drives me nuts. However, with mil and my mom, you can answer them, but they will still keep being the broken record.

Oh and Mary, that pic of Aiden is sooo cute, he looks so content! In fact, I think we have that same baby outfit too. :)

[Copenhagen Ninja]

it's my experience with my Korean fam and from travelling in Asia that it's normal to repeat yourself. In the western countries I've lived in, it's considered a little bit embarrasing, as if you're forgetful, if you keep saying the same thing. And certainly un-academic. But my experience with having certain phrases repeated has always been positive. It's never nagging, more like: "The weather's really beautiful today x 10". Still it can annoy me though, but I'm getting used to it ^.^

[HCG]

my mom nags in stereo. same things said, repeated twice in 2 languages. then at different times, places, weeks, years.

she calls it "instruction".

[soya sauce]

I'm feeling the frustration just reading this post! My mother has been in London for over 30 yrs now and doesn't do the nagging thing (thank goodness), she's HK chinese. My MIL however (malaysian chinese) goes on and on and on, and also does it in a whiney voice as well which reminds me of someone scratching their fingernails down a chalkboard or me accidently chewing on foil. Both are extremely unpleasant. The worst thing is that my husband takes after her! I find myself saying to him "you've said that 4 times in a row already." And the funny things is he then explains himself "It's because I don't think you were listening the first time and I need to make sure you understand." Um, so it's my fault then?!?!Sometimes I just want to pour concrete into my ears and gouge my eyes out.

[diane]

My 6 year old son will ask the same question 20 times, even when we have told him "yes" the first time, until I finally snap and shout "YES, WE TOLD YOU YES." Then, he kind of giggles and walks away. Is he trying to make me crazy, or just use to not being heard by my husband and I? And he'll ask 50 times if we said "no" the first time, followed with "but whyyyyyyyy."

[Mary]

@diane,if he's doing it to get his way, i think it's called badgering. i highly recommend 1 2 3 magic, which describes some of the "Tactics' that kids use to "be in control."

my toddler is 2.5 and repeats himself a LOT because he is learning to talk but he does not giggle afterwards... i think i'd give him a time out if he kept repeating himself to annoy me or my husband.

[Soo]

Hi, I'm Soo and your baby is adorable. Regarding the blog on nagging mothers, I too felt the same way, but since losing my mom in late May, I realize I kind of miss hearing her repeat herself and her stories. Although I can totally sympathize with everyone.

[JT]

Gorgeous baby! And yes, nagging mother. But what is it with the cold water?? It's insisting on superstitions over and over that drive me up the wall.

[R]

I asked my mother once why she kept saying the same thing over and over again to me. She said, "in case I would forget." Funny thing is, I don't. But she does. So maybe it's so that she doesn't forget? Anyhoo, drives me nuts. I think she is going senile, though. But then again, she's been repeating herself ever since I can remember. I think she also does it because she thinks I don't listen to her -- which I don't, but she should know by know that I usually do what I want, and not what she wants. I guess old habits are hard to break. She still does it to EVERYONE in the family, my dad and all siblings. So at least, she's consistent. Ai-goooooo. Drives me nuts! Yes, I repeat myself to my 4yr old, but that's cause he gets so easily side-tracked. Plus at 4, I can tell him what to do. At 39, my mother can try to tell me what to do, but I don't have to follow, whereas my 4yr old has to follow, or there'll be trouble.

[dotty]

very funny....but I think most moms do nag. what i found really funny is that how she nags about you needing to take care of yourself. my youngest one is already 2.5 yrs old, and my mom still complained how i didn't treat myself right after I delivered.

[Betty]

Aiden is super cute!

Oh and my Korean mom nags like an animal...it's almost as if she believes I am deaf or something.

[snickollet]

Oh, Aiden is so beautiful he took my breath away.

[wookie]

No, it's just certain people that do that. Nagging and guilt tripping know no racial or gender divides.

And your son is beautiful. Are you taking care of yourself? ;-)

[Teresa]

Dear Mary,

Now is the time to rest. As your baby will be sleeping often.( Breast feed him while your in bed so you don't have to get up.) After a month or so, he will sleep less and less. If you don't rest now, you'll build an energy deficit that could take years to recover from. Really, I know from experience.

When people offer help, TAKE IT. No one will think you are lazy. You've just had a baby. It's easier to ask for help now than it will be when he's 12 months old, and more work, and you're exhausted.

Congratulations and enjoy this time with your new baby.

Teresa

[Rebecca]

My mom repeats herself all the time. But what really annoys me is when she says 'ok' after every question...she even does it to statements. What bothers me the most is I had my son about 7 months ago and she acts like I have no idea what i'm doing. She will tell me things I already know,or things I have told her,or just things that are totally wrong. She cut his hair when he was 3 1/2 months old on his 1st sleep over...and told me the next day. He looked like Spock, and I cried. All she said was 'ah his hair was so ugly. In my country it doesn't matter, grandparents cut their grandkids hair all the time' oh really?!?! I had to remind her not so nicely that he is not her child and those types of things are my desicions to make. If she does it again..I'm going to go to her house when no one is there and shave their dog.
Sorry, that went completely off topic. Apparently I am still a little angry.

[Mary]

I would be SO mad if my mom cut my baby's hair without asking. Even if she did ask, of course I'd say no.

[Deborah]

OMG Teresa, your comment about shaving your mom's dog when no one's home made me laugh so hard, I almost peed in my pants!!!

[Jin R]

I agree with you that Asians mom nag more than non-Asian moms. I think this is true in the sense that Asian moms somehow want their kids to be dependent on them and refuse to let them grow up or become totally independent. My mom has nagged about my many clothes and shoes that I've purchased over the years for 15+ years!!! YES 15+!!!! Its like every aspect of my life she has to be a part of. We are Chinese and in my opinion Chinese moms are notorious for nagging. I hope my mom changes or it will ruin our mother and son relationship.

[Mary]

@Jin. i hope i don't turn out to be one of those nagging moms. but it's hard to not repeat myself to a toddler. haha

[Jessica]

Reading everyones posts makes me feel better, at least I'm not alone. This is the exact relationship with my mother and she is not Asian. She constantly repeats everything to the point it is easier to give in to her most of the time. I end up yelling at her because it is so frustrating and have calmly said how I feel a million times so it will stop but it does no good and I end up being the one who feels guilty. When will this end? I don't have any kids yet but I feel like I have to repeat myself to her to try and get through that her behavior is not acceptable to me and it never does any good. I'm afraid I will end up being like her when I have kids. She is critical of every aspect of my life and I feel like she tries to control me. From what I wear, to what major I was in college, to where I would work after college, grad school, and where I will live(even though she stopped paying for me when I graduated from college). I feel like I have spent my whole life fighting and arguing with her, I'm an adult and she still can't accept it. I think she wants a little kid to take care of or to feel important. I sometimes think she doesn't have enough going on in her life or anything to talk about which is why she repeats the same things so much and other times she just does it to try and get her own way because she doesn't like my answer. Has anyone been successful in getting this to stop or change? What is wrong with them and I don't think it has anything to do with ethnicity that some moms are more like this then others. Is it some sort of mental thing or insecurity with themselves?? She also likes to repeat every sacrfice she has ever made for me a million times or how hard it was for them to put my brother and I through college(she says this every day, and I wish I had the money to write her a check and say thanks I hope this compensates you, please get out of my life now!--I have thanked her a million times and she still continues to repeat it when I try to tell her how I feel and she construes it as ungrateful and thinks it is a pass for her behavior)

~~Frustrated 26 year old.

[Mary]

@Jessica. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with your mom. I think some moms are just a bit controlling. They don't see their children as individual adults but as extensions of themselves. I think this is unhealthy for both you and your mom. And yes, it is GREAT that your mom paid for your college and all but really, she should not have to rub it in your face everyday. My relationship with my mom is a bit "strange" since I didn't grow up with her but yeah, it's hard to get our parents to change at their old age i think...