The 1 month rule

I should totally totally be sleeping right now since I've gotten like 10 hours of sleep for the past week (newborn at home) but I have this overwhelming urge to write.

It's probably the hormones.

Oh yeah, so, I had a baby boy.  Please welcome Aiden.

As some readers might know, I don't have a very good relationship with my mom.  When I had the baby, I gave her a call, informing her of the news... just because, well, she is my mother.

She currently lives in Boston... supposedly with my sister but my dad told me that they apparently aren't living together anymore because of "issues."  So yeah, anyway.  I called her.  Got her voicemail.  She called me. Got my voicemail.  Finally, yesterday we were able to talk on the phone. 

She told me like 10 times to "take care of myself."  She said not to touch cold water or get up and around too much.  She said to stay in bed and to rest because I will otherwise regret it for the rest of my life when health issues start coming up... issues like feeling like the "wind" is coming out of my joints if I don't keep them covered and warm enough.  Of course, she said no showers.  Eat lots of mi yuk gook and rest rest rest.  When I told her about my swollen feed (which I immediately regretted doing) she said it was because I "must be" running around and not resting.  To all this, I just said nae nae... and promised to do as she said, knowing that I cannot since it's just me and the hubs and there is no way in hell I can stay in bed all day.

I don't know how much truth there is to it but she and all the other older Korean ajummas believe that how you take care of your body after giving birth can lead to a lifetime of good health or a lifetime of ill health.  

Many Korean moms of MILs take special care of their daughters or DILs for about one month after the birth of a child.  I don't know where the month thing comes from.  But it's always a month.  

My brain that believes in western medicine wants to not believe a thing my mom says about this... I mean, what's the logic in not touching cold water?  The rest thing, I can kind of understand but not eating spicy food or making sure I'm always covered up?  I dunno.  Yet, at the same time that one part of my brain doesn't want to believe it, another part of my brain thinks, what if it is true?  What if I do get all these ailments because I'm not "taking care of myself" during this time and later on down the road, I feel the "wind" coming out of my hands cuz I washed my hands in cold water?  Or had to wash some fruit so that I can eat it?  These thoughts pop into my head and make me hesitate, a little, to put my hands in cold water.  

Oh, the other thing I've heard is that Korean women's bodies are different from white women's bodies and that's why we can't do what they do... "what they do" meaning run around and do errands, cook food, go to the market, take a shower, etc... right after giving birth to a child.  I think to myself, really?  Are Korean women's bodies (or I guess Asian women since I know the Chinese culture has a similar thing) really different from white women's bodies?  What about hapa moms?  Do they not have to abide by this rule or do they still have to if they are 1/2 Asian?  

Does anyone else ask these same questions?  Do you believe in this?  Why or why not?  I'm sure some of us just do what our moms say because "mothers know best" and also since it doesn't hurt... and it's also a good excuse (well, not really an excuse but you know what I mean) to stay in bed and not have to do any chores for a month at least...  But some of us might believe 100% that it is absolutely critical to abide by these rules for 1 month post partum.

I am trying to rest as much as I can but obviously, I can't stay in bed all day. I have a newborn that needs to be breast fed constantly and also a 2.5 year old who has needs.  I haven't gone out (except for a doctor's appointment for which I was scolded for going out) at all so I guess I'm abiding by that and I've only taken 1 shower since giving birth... I also need to eat and take my medications... and I have to get out of bed to do all this.  I've also worn short sleeve shirts.. and the first night back from the hospital, I actually walked around in my underwear at night cuz it wasn't that cold and I didn't have time to put my pants on (the baby was crying and it's hard to put pants on and breast feed at the same time.)

So, I guess I've been selectively applying some of the 1 month rules...  I guess the trick is trying to figure out which ones "really" matter and which ones are fudge-able.

-Mary

-Mary

Comments

[Yoojin]

I'm a single gal, but I grew up in a rather traditional part of Korea and have some thoughts.

It's actually 21 day-rule - called sam-chil-il (like three-seven-days). The absolute rest thing is from the agricultural time to give women some off-time from hard work. I think no-shower rule is more like no-bathing rule in the old days to prevent infection.

What older women say about the "wind" is the pain you get if you don't consume enough calcium. I think it is a myth that somehow got associated with covering up. It probably gets uncomfortable if you give birth in the summer, but I also think the rule about keeping warm gave some excuse for new mothers to use precious fuel to keep the room warm. It was considered a luxury to use fuel only to warm the room, not cook and keep the room warm at the same time.

[Faith]

First, congratulations! Aiden is gorgeous.

I agree and think a lot of it can be traced back to reasons to give new mothers a chance to recover. DILs had to work like dogs to serve their families: getting up before everyone else to cook the rice, washing everyone's clothes in the stream, etc... but if you can't put your hands in cold water or go out then you can't do those things. You had culture-sanctioned reasons to take it easy and just bond with your baby and be pampered for a while--this in a culture where childbearing-age women hardly ever got to take it easy. After it was over, then back to work!

[Angie in Texas]

@ mary: congrats again on the birth of your second child, mary! he's BEAUTIFUL!

my mom did a lot of for me in the weeks after my children were born - including making me crazy with these beliefs . . . and EXACTLY like you, i wondered about what was ok and what wasn't . . . i did what i thought was ok and didn't do some of the things i was too "superstitious" to attempt. it's a case by case (or birth by birth) thing i think.

@ yoojin: thanks! that makes A LOT of sense! =)

[Mary]

A beautiful baby boy!! Congrats! I don't have kids but I do have a Korean mom. You did the right thing to reach out and call her. I used to think all the crazy advice mom spewed through the years was just that - crazy. But recently I found myself wondering the 'what-if-she's-right' thing, too....ha ha.

[Delicate Flower]

That boy is so cute I can't stand it.

I always figured the rules about new mothers were like any folk wisdom, partially grounded in good sense and accumulated wisdom (like eating mi yuk gook - it actually does have a lot of iron and things in it you would need if you lost a lot of blood), and partially just exaggeration or old wives tales. I doubt you will do yourself any lasting damage, but you really should get as much rest as you can!

[PM]

Congratulations!! What a gorgeous boy! Best of luck to you and your family.

[beloved]

I wonder about Korean beliefs for things unrelated to giving birth or recovering from it. For example, my Korean hubby says you should always keep your midsection covered when you're sleeping. Head and feet can stick out of the blanket but your important (core?) organs should be kept warm. Actually, I am just assuming this is a Korean thing--could be just my hubby. I totally try to do it now, although I don't know why exactly. haha. I am susceptible to superstitions maybe. ;P

[jiji]

Congratulations, Mary! Your son is very gorgeous. Look at those beautiful eyes!
Rest well, mommy.

[jsook]

It IS tricky, reconciling what we mamas face these days with the advice for us from mamas of the past. I like to think it is a way for us women to watch over one another over the ages in a way.

And at the heart of the matter, is caring...

So I tried to follow the advice as much as realistically possible, but let myself lapse on occasion without too much worry.

Do you think we'll pass any of these on to our daughters some day? I can already hear myself...

Warmest congratulations to you-and welcome little Aiden!

[denise]

"For example, my Korean hubby says you should always keep your midsection covered when you're sleeping. Head and feet can stick out of the blanket but your important (core?) organs should be kept warm. Actually, I am just assuming this is a Korean thing--could be just my hubby"
My Korean DH said the same thing recently to me when he woke up and his stomach was not covered with the blanket. Now i feel better knowing my DH is not the only one that makes unusual comments like this

[Asianmommy]

Congrats! Welcome to the world, Aiden!
Chinese mothers have the same ideas about staying in bed, not washing your hair, not eating cold foods, etc. I didn't follow any of those rules, but I did eat my mom's chicken soup.

[OTRgirl]

My physician husband (Korean) told me recently that there have been studies that show that Asian medicine is less effective on Europeans. There's speculation that it's a system that was tailored to specific traits and doesn't necessarily translate directly. I find this a very intriguing question, especially since I like, but don't love miyuk-guk. so the thought of a month of it makes me want to play my 'white' card! LOL.

[agnes]

Congratulations on you new born baby. As a Chinese I do observed the 1 month confinement thingy by having wine chicken soup with loads of ginger to keep our inner body warm. I did had my shower everyday with boiled ginger water too..and many more other traditional dos and don'ts. Do what is practical to you and take care...

[Tammy]

Congratulations on the birth of your son!

I think many ancient Eastern and Near Eastern cultures have a variation on the 1 month rule. In the Old Testament, it says that a woman was "ritually unclean" for about a month after a boy was born but "ritually unclean" for 2 months after a girl was born.

A cursory reading of that text would make it appear very sexist, but it actually protected new mothers from being overworked after the difficult trauma of childbirth.

During that time, she was unable to cook, clean, etc., or perform any religious or marital duties. She was basically commanded by God (and the community) to relax and bond with her child. The women of the community would trade off and help with the cooking, cleaning, care of older children and other chores during that time. Obviously, the woman would be called upon to return the favor when one of her neighbors had a child as well.

For those of us (Korean or not) who are far from extended family miss out on some of the camaraderie our ancestors experienced. These stories and "rules" keep us connected to them, and that's a good thing even if we do it differently than they did.