Kimchi Mamas

Unwed Mothers in the Motherland

Yesterday, the New York Times published a story profiling the trials of the South Korean single mother.  It is truly heartbreaking to read what these women sacrificed in order to raise their own children.  Even when faced with a declining birthrate, it is more acceptable to have an illegal abortion or to give up a baby for adoption than to live as a single mom.  It is especially infuriating, considering how much pressure is put on Korean mothers in general to be the sole caregivers, that these women are roundly shunned when they should be applauded for taking full responsibility for their lives and the lives of their children.

Sadly, my family has some personal experience with this cultural stigma.  My cousin's husband was tragically killed in a car accident when their daughter was only 8 months old.  She tried to raise her daughter alone, but eventually word got out to her daycare provider that there wasn't a father at home (her employer already knew because she was employed both before and after the accident).  They confronted her quite rudely, and when she explained with great pain what had happened, they had the gall to call her a liar (as in "Of COURSE you're going to say that your husband is dead, that's what they all say").  Because of this and similar experiences, she eventually moved to the United States.  If widows get this sort of treatment in the motherland, I am not surprised that straight-up single moms get it much worse.

That said, I applaud the 40 women who have joined the unwed mothers association thus far, and hope that as South Korea further establishes itself as a modern nation, these last few shameful vestiges of pigheaded bigotry can be laid to rest.

Julie

We found your birth father! Oops, no we didnt.

My fellow Los Angeles mom blogger Amy Anderson flew back to Korea yesterday for the first time since she left thirty-six years ago as an infant. She was selected to go as part of Overseas Koreans Foundation's "First Trip Home" project. She is a Korean adoptee.

Amy's a comedian, but her recent post about the lead-up to her trip brought me to tears (and not from laughing). Long story short: she was sent an e-mail from a social worker saying they had found her birth father and he wanted to meet her during her trip, but then she was sent another e-mail a little over an hour later saying that that previous e-mail had been sent to the wrong person.

- Nina Moon

Alternatives

The dreaded has occurred. I spent the past two months fearing it, guarding against it, shutting myself off from hoping too much, from imagining the face of the little thing. Then it happened, and I stand helpless in the face of it. I was pregnant for the past three months, and now I am not. And there is nothing I can do about it.

In the face of this loss and this feeling of helplessness, I wonder what I should do. I could wallow, cry, rant that it's not fair, and cry some more. I have done some of that already. But I don't want to be buried in it. I am sure it will drown me like quicksand, slowly sucking me in and absorbing me, even though I may not feel the changing depth minute by minute. I know grief can consume me, and I'm not ready to befriend it so quickly.

Hanging on by a thread

I thought this might be a good time to re-introduce myself to everyone since I’ve enjoyed reading the introduction posts by our new Kimchi Mamas and the re-introductions by some of the other KM’s. I went back through the archives and discovered that I’d never really written an introduction post when I first joined the blog, so here goes!

I am a mama to two hapa kids, a daughter who is 14 and a 10-year old son. I’m a social worker, and currently work at a non-profit agency. I will soon be re-entering the university as a Ph.D. candidate in Social Work at the “seasoned” age of 40! I joke that I’m making up for time, as I spent most of my 20s and half of my 30s starting and dropping out of college and 8 years of being a stay-at-home mom. Oh, do I wish I’d had a Kimchi Mama-type group back then!

I can only guess as to my origins of birth – I know it was likely somewhere in the Daegu area of South Korea, sometime probably in 1968. The reasons for my unknown birth information is that I was found abandoned on the Daegu City Hall steps in a box, wrapped in quilts, in February of 1970 and I appeared to be about a year old. According to the city hall records, I had a note with my name and birthdate pinned inside my jacket which would have made me 14 months if accurate. I was immediately whisked off to White Lily Orphanage, run by the Catholic Church, in the city. I lived at the orphanage for 5 months before being transferred to another orphanage in Ilsan (closer to Seoul) where I stayed just over a year before I was placed on an airplane and flown to Minneapolis, Minnesota where I was picked up by my adoptive parents. I was just under 3 years old.

Small Size, Big Voice

Last week, I caught this news story and interview on my local NPR show. Mayda Miller performed at the AKConnection (a local Korean adoptee social network) annual party and I have her disk Elphine. I'm thrilled to see her gaining a following!  I love how much she informs her art with the consciousness of bing a Korean adoptee. -- Jae Ran

Mayda Miller is a St. Paul pop rocker with a new cd, "Stereotype." (Photo courtesy of Michael Bland, Sonic Matrimony)

Small Size, Big Voice

by Chris Roberts, Minnesota Public Radio
December 14, 2007

If you're a songwriter, being a Korean adoptee, a woman and only four-feet-ten inches tall gives you a lot to talk about. St. Paul musician Mayda's big sound belies her diminutive size.

St. Paul, Minn. — In a crowd, it's easy to overlook Mayda. But on stage, it is hard not to notice her.

"Just look at me," she says. "There's not a whole lotta Korean artists out there playing and writing their own material. And I'm teeny."

But while she may stand out in an ocean of white rappers and indie rockers, Mayda also has to resist being pigeon-holed. She thinks Korean adoptees tend to be typecast as American culture-obsessed, submissive and studious.

"When people look at me they think 'oh, she probably plays violin, classical piano or whatever,' and I don't," she says.

Mayda battles those preconceived notions in the title track of her new cd, "Stereotype."

Mayda is a St. Paul Central and University of Minnesota graduate. Over the years she has evolved from a guitarist and occasional back-up singer in an all female high school rock band to a solo artist and songwriter with a controlled, yet powerful voice.

"I feel like music just comes so easy," she says. "I have to do it. I don't have a choice."

"It's in my DNA," Mayda says, referring to her Korean background and the parents she's never met. It's not something she addresses directly in her music, but letting go or giving up something is a recurring theme, such as on the song "Quick as a Dove."

Last year, Mayda traveled to South Korea and played some shows for a Korean adoptee organization. She says it allowed her to claim her heritage while accepting the cultural gulf between her and all the natives who looked like her.

"It made me really proud," she says. "It really solidified who I am and who I'm trying to be. It definitely helped complete me, as corny as that sounds."

Listen to the podcast and read the rest of the transcript here.

Mayda's myspace page here.

Even After 40 Years, It's Not Too Late

* I decided to cross post this from my other blog, Harlow's Monkey, to add some perspective about the dissolved adoption of Jade from her Dutch adoptive parents and because my comment on yesterday's post would have been too long for a comment box. One of the things that has been bantered about in the international adoptee circles is the neglect of the Poeterays to obtain citizenship for Jade. Another thing being discussed a lot is that Jade is "better off" without parents that clearly felt abandoning her again was appropriate. In this post, I discuss adoption disruptions and dissolutions based on my professional and personal experiences. --Jae Ran

People all over the world are talking about the return of an adopted Korean child by a Dutch diplomat and his wife. I've written about disruptions and dissolutions before, namely here and here. I think one of the aspects of this case that is alarming people is the fact that the girl was 4 months old at the time of the adoption and had lived with her adoptive parents for 7 years.

A disruption is when the child is returned before the adoption is finalized. Disruptions often happen after a child is placed in the home a few months, but sometimes in the case of international adoption, it can occur when the family meets the child and decides not to go through with the adoption.

Once an adoption has been finalized, if the parents "return" a child it is called a dissolution. Dissolutions always occur after the legal status of parent and child has been established in a court of law. In the United States, for parents to dissolve an adoption they have to voluntarily terminate their parental rights in court.

We often think of disruptions or dissolutions as being something that happens fairly soon after the adoption, perhaps within months or a few years. It's rare that we hear about an adoption dissolving 7 years later. But in my line of work, that's not unusual. I have on my case load two siblings who were in foster care, adopted, and re-entered care six years after the finalization. We hear about the disruptions that happen in China or Guatemala because with other prospective families traveling in groups together, it's going to be known. I want to know how many kids were adopted internationally and then years later when kids turn into teenagers (and normally get ornery and rebel), how many of those families dissolve with no one watching?

One of my frustrations has always been finding reliable statistical data on disruptions and dissolutions. In my earlier post "And even more about adoption disruptions and dissolutions" I asked for anyone who had reliable numbers to contact me. It turns out that the Department of Health and Human Services actually did keep track of the number of international adoption "disruptions" in 2006. According to this Newsweek article, "When Adoption Goes Wrong" there were 81 international adoption disruptions or dissolutions from 14 different states last year. Of course, we still don't know how many international adoptions have dissolved over the 50+ years of international adoption to the United States. Anecdotally, I know of several adult Korean adoptees who spent time in foster care.

Dutch Diplomat "returns" adopted Korean daughter, age 7

Dutch diplomat Raymond Poeteray (Vice Consul in Hong Kong) and his wife Meta (pictured) adopted a 4-month-old Korean girl 7 years ago. They have two biological children. Claiming that the girl had trouble bonding and never adapted to Dutch culture or food, they turned her over to a Hong Kong foster care agency saying, in essence, they no longer wanted to care for her.

Assholes.

P.S. Her "father" never even bothered to apply for Dutch citizenship for the child even though he works in an embassy.

Needless to say, this has sparked outrage around the world, and not just among Koreans.

Can adopted children be returned? Discuss.

Linklove: Korean-American Writers

This morning I read an essay about a Korean adoptee's search for her birth family, one in a New York Times series about the complexities of adoption.

Jeff Yang recently wrote about Good as Lily, a new graphic novel by a Korean-American writer. I'm putting it on my list.

And finally, I enjoyed this excerpt from a book of first-person essays by teenagers.

--Weigook Saram

Just popping in

to say "hi!"

We are having a great time in Korea. Despite a somewhat rocky start (our flight to Chicago was delayed and we thought we'd miss our connecting flight), we made it (by a squeak - 10 minutes, and only because the flight to Korea was 20 minutes delayed) - but alas, our luggage did not fare as well. I was advised ahead of time to carry spare clothing in our carry-on, so we managed until our luggage was found three days later. Fresh clothes have never been so welcoming. My kids also both got sick on the long bus ride from the airport to the hotel. I feel like I've lost 5 pounds already, just by all the walking and sweating!! It's been cooler than expected but still hot, hot, hot and humid.

But once we arrived at the hotel, all was good. My friend Jane (also an adoptee who has been living in Korea for the past 2+ years) welcomed us at the airport and has been an amazing guide and it's been great to catch up as well. Her Korean language skills are amazing to me, and even though she feels far behind, I have been inspired by her to start taking language lessons seriously when I return. I know that the next time I come to Korea, I want to be able to speak more than "hello" and "thank you."

So far, we've done a bunch of real tourist-y things and I have been awed by how well my kids have traveled. We have visited Insa-dong, Namsam Park and took the cable car to Seoul Tower. We visited Lotte World (though not the rides) and visited the Folk Museum there, and watched the changing of the guards at Gyeongbokgung Palace. We went to Korybo bookstore and found Harry Potter (a requirement for my daughter) and also bought the first Harry Potter book in Korean for fun.My friend lives near Sinchon, so we've spent several evenings walking around that college neighborhood stufing ourselves on street food and buying cheap trinkets.

We took a road trip to Daegu to visit my orphanage. My kids sat on the steps where I was found as a one-year old baby. For my kids, that made my history all the more real. They are really quite the troopers. We went to the Heinsa temple and that was so beautiful and made me really appreciate the country that I was born in. My daughter, who is 13, said to me in the car on the way back to Seoul, "I'd live here, Mom" and I felt like I'd won the lottery.

My son, with his cute curly hair and sweet face, has been the delight of all the ajummas in Seoul. Every day, they pet him and force feed him raisins and mints and gum and candy and one even pulled him out of one subway car into the next one because there was an empty seat for him. Hmph. She didn't care one bit about the rest of us! That was one bold ajumma. She took off his baseball cap and wiped the sweat off his face with a tissue. My daughter has been feeling kind of jealous of all that attention. If I was worried about the stares and rude behavior, it's been the opposite. My husband and son are fawned over every time they open their mouths. Oh, they coo and aaah over their "kahmsamnida's" while my daughter and I are virtually ignored!! (We're still having a great time, though)!

Tonight we picked up a bunch of friends for dinner. The IKAA conference I'm attending and presenting at doesn't start until next Wed. but people are starting to trickle in and I've reconnected already with several long-time friends.

We have another few days before Mr. and the kids leave and the conference begins. I'll pop in again if I get the chance. I've been journaling like crazy, and hope to have some interesting things to write about for the blog when I return.

-- Jae Ran

In eight days

. . . I will be on a plane to South Korea. I am embarking on my third trip to Korea since 2000 (also the third trip to my birth country since I was adopted) - interestingly, I will arrive in Seoul on the 20th, only one day shy of the day the metal stork brought me to Minneapolis on July 21st, 1971. Thirty-five years later, I'm coming full circle.

Only this time instead of coming to the U.S. alone, sitting on an escort's lap (my parents did not come pick me up, instead I was delivered to them by a "helper") I will be surrounded by my partner and my two children ages 9 and 13. This is the first trip to Korea for the Mr. and the kids. I am thrilled to finally be at a place in my life where I want to include them in this journey, which has been such a struggle for me for so many years.