Kimchi Mamas

"An Overlooked School Shooting..." One Year Later

Did anyone else hear the NPR "Talk of the Nation"  "around the nation" segment about the Oikos University shooting? It aired earlier today: An Overlooked School Shooting and the Korean American Community.

It was a very short interview with Jay Kang, but I'm glad it was done at all. Mr. Kang spoke of "han", the idea of "The Korean Dad", and the stereotyping of Korean Americans and shootings.

I am curious to continue the conversation... I am curious to hear your thoughts and especially the thoughts of our fellow Kimchi Mamas who live in the SF/Oakland area.  Were there any memorials? Articles in your local paper(s)?

What was your reaction when this happened? How do you feel about it now? And how do you feel about it now within the context of the Virginia Tech shootings 5 years ago this month? And within the context of the Newtown Massacre?

How do you think this affected the Korea/Korean American community locally? Nationally? 

How do you think culture played a part?

 

(Angie in Texas)

*I purposely did not use the names of the shooters in any the events.

 

Kimchi Mama Shares Her "KoreanAmericanStory"

Our own Shinyung Oh shares her story on MyKoreanAmericanStory.Org.  Here's the link: Shinyung. 

We are truly lucky to have her here with us!

THANK YOU Shinyung for sharing your stories with us!

 

 

 

 

The Software Doesn't Match the Hardware

As a parent of a ‘tween I found myself at the mall with my daughter the other day. It was right after school and she was still in her all-girls school uniform.

As we walked by one of the kiosks, a young man stopped her and asked if she went to ABC Private School – he recognized the uniform as the uniform of his all-boys high school alma mater’s sister school. He was indeed correct – except my daughter is in the sister school’s middle school. 

Maybe it’s the “Asians don’t look their age” stereotype or maybe it’s because she was in uniform or maybe because she’s tall for her age but as she said yes and I gave my best KDS (Korean Death Stare) to this young man and gently guided her down the hall, I had a mix of remembering the feelings of being mistaken as older at that age and what it may mean for my daughter..and me as her mom.

With the faster-than-the-speed-of-light economic growth in China, and young people flooding in from rural areas to the bustling cities in search of jobs and opportunities, a saying has developed about this group of new-to-the-city young women: The software doesn’t match the hardware. Kind of creepy when you think about it. Here’s a young woman in search of opportunity and she has been reduced to an electronic, a cliché, because she’s attractive but innocent/naïve.

We here in the United States are guilty of perpetuating some of that concept, too. Look around: magazine covers, tv shows, music . . . Have you tried shopping for “cute” girl clothes recently? Listened to the actual lyrics of some popular songs. Next time you’re at the grocery store take the time to glance over the covers of magazines specifically designed for your teen!

My fellow moms and I complain about the lack of appropriate clothing, the pressures our girls face to wear make-up, shave their legs and have first dates/first kisses, etc. And because many of these concepts were foreign to my mother, the "right" way to navigate through them are in many ways foreign to me.

Do you remember the first time you were mistaken as being older than you really were (as a 'tween/teen)?

 

Angie in Texas is practicing her KDS for all future boys...

 

Call for Submissions at KoreanAmericanStory.org

Do you or your family members have stories to share for an anthology devoted to the Korean immigrant experience in the 70's and 80's?  If so, please consider submitting it for publication at KoreanAmericanStory.org.  They are collecting content in a variety of formats, and they will compensate for the stories they select for publication.

Details can be found here.

--Julie

Houston, We Have a Problem...and a Confession

To my beloved Kimchi Mamas,

Please do me and our community a favor by reading this short article on self-harm and violence in the Korean American community

I know this seems like a big bummer to post this during the holiday season, but 'tis also the season for a spike in suicides, suicide attempts, and domestic violence.

Does this ring a bell for you at all?  It definitely did for me:

Grace Yoon, executive director of the Korean American Family Service Center in New York, told The Huffington Post that Koreans come to America with high hopes of acquiring wealth and providing a good education for their children. When their expectations are not met, some feel like they have let their families down. Yoon commented that the problem has gotten worse since the recession, "especially with Korean fathers and heads of households whose small businesses are not doing well."

The article goes on to say that the intergenerational language barrier as well as the cultural taboo against seeking mental health services may contribute to the higher-than-average suicide rate in Korean Americans.

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If this helps anyone at all, I'll just put myself out there as someone who did try to kill herself when she was in the throes of what she now recognizes as a major depressive episode.  

I was 21, feeling exhausted and beaten down, not doing well in school, but instead of seeking help, I just ignored my health and soldiered on, terrified of delaying my graduation by yet another quarter or year.  It got to the point where I stopped talking to my friends and stopped checking in with my parents, unable to keep up the lies when I claimed I was okay.  As I got more and more insular, my whole world consisted of my classes and my inability to attend them, my lack of focus, my inevitable failure.  So a few days before my first finals, hating myself for letting my parents down, they who worked so hard and sacrificed so much so that I could go to a top-notch school, and I couldn't even repay them with simply succeeding, I tried to take my own life.  I honestly thought I was doing them a favor, relieving a burden.

I was so, so lucky that my attempt was feeble at best, and my roommate was in the apartment.

After that, I was hospitalized for a week.  For some reason, I had this stereotype against psychiatry and didn't consider it a fully-valid field of medicine.  I could not have been more wrong.  Thanks to the medication, counseling, and support I received then and afterwards, I finally graduated from university.  My grade point average was barely enough to scrape past, and my department might or might not have overlooked a single missing requirement, but I did it.  And my life instantly became easier once I stepped foot outside that damn campus and moved on with my life.

Did I at 21 have even the tiniest correct inkling about how life after college would be like?  Absolutely not!  My instincts and intuition that I relied on so heavily turned out to be completely off; I think it was because I was completely biased to see only the negative.  That's what depression does; it skews your outlook on everything to just remember the negative and completely ignore the positive, and that small shift in perspective is what makes depression so dangerous.  It was actually quite a relief to discover that my "lenses" were off and needed readjusting.  

The turning point for me was my dad tearfully telling me that he would rather have a non-college-graduate daughter than no daughter at all.  That he would have let me crash at home for as long as I needed in order to get back on my feet again.  And that he was truly sorry that it had to come to this for him to tell me that, that this was completely uncharted territory for him, that we would get through this together.  My mom was too overcome with emotion to speak to me then, but as time went on, I came to realize that she felt the same way.  And believe me when I tell you that my parents made the Tiger Mom look like a kitten; that I was pushed very hard all my childhood; and if you had asked me before all this if I truly believed they loved me, I would have a hearty laugh at the mere notion.

But it turned out that my Korean parents, as stoic and strict and cruel and physically punitive as they were, were still parents.  And now they are very demonstrative, nurturing, giving, loving grandparents.  

And now, daily I think to myself, "I'm so relieved I'm not dead.  All the fun I would have missed out on!"

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If you at any point feel as hopeless as I did that summer, please know that you aren't "crazy," that you are struggling alongside countless others, that there are other solutions besides death, that people love you and are rooting for you, that honest-to-goodness there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Or at the very least, there are enough points of light inside the tunnel to make it worth sticking around to observe.  DO NOT MISS OUT ON THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Call a friend and tell them you need help, call 1-800-273-8255, go to the emergency room, connect with people online, just don't leave yourself alone with the thoughts you are thinking, the same way you would try to save your friend who is trapped in a house with someone who is trying to kill them.

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If you got this far, thanks so much for reading.  This was difficult to write.

--Julie

Best of the Worst

What's the worst thing your mom or dad has ever said to you?

My dad told me yesterday that he shows his love to me by yelling at me. Um... no thank you please?

Do your parents show you how much they love you by criticizing you too?

Here are some of the best of the worst things I've heard over the years:

• If you're not going to teach your children Korean, don't even bother bringing them to see me.
• Your sister does ____ , why don't YOU do ____?
• You are less than an animal.
• &^%#$% you &@^%#$^!!!

So, let me hear them girls (and boys). What's the worst thing your mom or dad has ever said to you? I know the Koreans can dish out some mean words.

- Mary

Monday laughs

This was too funny not to share:

There once was a girl named Mary. One semester in high school she got all A's. Except... one A was actually an A-. (It was probably P.E.) Mary was excited to show her report card to her dad. Her dad took one look and said, what's that? Is that a minus?

Even Glee confirmed it. An A- is the Asian F.

Happy Thanksgiving week ya'll. Don't forget kimchi with that turkey!

- Mary

Teaching Kids Korean - how to resolve different opinions?

I have not and am not planning to teach my kids a lot of Korean. I am not ruling it out. If they have interest, I am happy to teach them in the future or enroll them in Korean school. You know, the dreaded Saturday classes?

BUT, I am having some internal struggles on how to reply when my parents or my MIL ask about this subject. They want my children to know Korean. Especially my dad and mom since they don't speak a lick of English. My MIL, even though she lives in Korea, actually has learned English a bit and can converse decently, so she has not yet been insistant on requesting that her grandsons know Korean but I feel the question coming in the near future.

I don't see my parents or talk to them often, so that kind of helps... but it seems like almost every time I do see my dad, one of the things he says is, "You should teach your kids Korean." My response so far has been either 1. no response or 2. the docile "neh" meaning something like "yes" or "sure."

Milestone Birthdays

There seems to be a lot of milestone birthdays in Korean culture.

There's baek il or 100 days.

There's dol, the 1st birthday.

If I recall correctly, there's something when you turn 20 or somewhere around there, where you are officially an "adult."

There's hwan gap or 60.

There's chil soon or 70.

There's pal soon or 80.

So, traditionally, hwan gap or the 60th birthday used to be celebrated elaborately. My grandmother had a huge 60th birthday party in Korea. It's kind of like a "Yay, you made it to old age!" kind of thing... but since people are living longer and longer, I hear that pal soon is the new hwan gap. You heard it here first ladies and gents. My grandmother had another huge 80th birthday party in the USA. Good thing she had it for her 80th... she's now 92 and has major dementia.

Control Freak?

I think I had a break through in my thinking about my relationship with my family.

Just for some background, I do not have close relationships with my sister, mother, or father. There were domestic violence and alcohol issues when I was growing up along with the whole immigrating thing. My dad did his best to provide for us and he did that well enough. My sister was the rebel and I was the obedient one. Currently, I live 400 miles away from my dad and my sister lives on the other coast. My mom lives in the South somewhere.