Kimchi Mamas

Not getting sucked into my parents negativity

I recently started talking to my mom on the phone again. She currently lives in Georgia, by herself. I live in California. After a terrible experience of living together, we didn't speak for about 4-5 years. Anyway, I started calling her on my commute to work and our relationship is getting much better, thank God.

I was thinking about a conversation we had the other day. I was struggling to explain to her what I did for work as a consultant. I immigrated to the USA when I was 11 (5th grade) so even if I had remembered every single word of Korean that I knew in fifth grade, it would have been difficult to explain what I do for a living. Anyway, I was struggling to explain my job and she commented, "Speaking Korean is so hard for you." In my head, I heard it as, "Your Korean sucks." I reminded her that I came to the USA when I was in fifth grade and that I hadn't been practicing Korean with anyone lately.

A Piece of Korean Romance

When people think of the world's greatest tragic romances, they may conjure up Romeo and Juliet, Rhett and Scarlet, or Cathy and Heathcliff.  However, I hope after this, people will also think of Eung-Tae Lee and his widow.

In 1998, South Korean archaeologists found the mummified remains of Eung-Tae Lee, who died in 1586, buried with one of the saddest, most romantic letters I have ever read, written by his widow.  Here's just a small snippet: (hat tip to Letters of Note...seriously, folks, it is the best blog out there right now.)

How did you bring your heart to me and how did I bring my heart to you? Whenever we lay down together you always told me, "Dear, do other people cherish and love each other like we do? Are they really like us?" How could you leave all that behind and go ahead of me?

So long ago, and she was so distraught, she could easily have jumped off the nearest Lover's Leap to rejoin her love.  But she didn't!  She had to raise their son, and here's the dramatic twist...SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH THEIR SECOND!!!  So instead of completely succombing to her grief, she cut off her hair, weaved her locks into one last pair of sandals for her husband, and buried them with him!  Even Sophocles and Shakespeare couldn't come up with a gesture more poignant than that.  Le sigh.

Romance, it's in our blood, Kimchi brothers and sisters, and for much longer than "Winter Sonata" has been on syndication.  Now go forth and woo.

--Julie

 

Bay Area! Go Watch the APA Vagina Monologues on May 17!

Although I love vaginas and enjoy talking about them, I have yet to go see a Vagina Monologues show.  Oh, how I wish I can go to this one!  The cast is all Asian/Pacific Islander, and I bet this will be a transformative experience.

From their website:

NAPAWF Bay Area proudly presents an Asian Pacific American women's production of the Vagina Monologues. Set in the historic Castro Theater of San Francisco, we'd like to invite you to an evening celebrating community visibility, the stories of women, and Asian Pacific American Heritage Month. 

This production is directed by Gabrielle Patacsil and features an all Asian Pacific American women-identified cast. Proceeds benefit the local Bay Area chapter of the National Asian Pacific American Women's Forum, the nation's only multi-issue women's organization for Asian Pacific American women and girls. 

And here are the performers introducing themselves in an awe-inspiring, irreverent, hilarious, and poignant video:

The APA Vagina Monologues
Thursday, May 17, 2012 7:30 PM
Castro Theatre
429 Castro Street (at Market)
San Francisco, CA 94114
United States

Tickets are $15-65 and can be purchased here.

Control Freak?

I think I had a break through in my thinking about my relationship with my family.

Just for some background, I do not have close relationships with my sister, mother, or father. There were domestic violence and alcohol issues when I was growing up along with the whole immigrating thing. My dad did his best to provide for us and he did that well enough. My sister was the rebel and I was the obedient one. Currently, I live 400 miles away from my dad and my sister lives on the other coast. My mom lives in the South somewhere.

Intimate Partner Violence

Today I attended a conference about intimate partner violence (IPV), or domestic violence (DV). It was the 10th anniversary celebration of some sorts. I don't work directly in the field but my work partners with the folks who do the work.

Why am I writing this post on the Kimchi Mamas blog? First because it's near and dear to my heart and second because Korean women (and their children, wives of Korean men, women of all color, and even some men) continue to be victims of intimate partner violence. I want to do my part to help it stop.

I learned today that IPV is complicated. I knew that but I think I still had some amount of judgement deep within me. It really is not as simple as "Why don't you just leave?"

The facts are that most women do end abusive relationships. It takes an average of 5 - 7 years and many attempts before she leaves, but still, she does leave. These women are resilient and should be commended for their resiliency.

I also learned that children who witness domestic violence can be scarred for life. I mean, I kind of knew that from personal experience. The worst thing that my dad did was get a knife from the kitchen and threaten to kill my mom and us. I think I partially blocked this from memory but I remember that knife vividly. I was very young. What I didn't know is that children's brain development can actually be affected by witnessing IPV and that they can get post traumatic stress disorder as well. And most of us probably also know that there is a cycle of violence. Children from violent homes grow up to either become abusers or victims themselves. 

At the conference today, one of the speakers shared a training video that all police officers have to watch. They were pictures and voice recordings of actual victims. As soon as they started playing the 911 calls from children, I had to leave the room because I could not control my emotions. As a mom, it just hit a nerve that never was there before.

The SPAM We Get

I just marked this as a SPAM comment but it was just too funny not to share. Copied below word for word (I did format a little to make it easier to read.)

 

ATTENTION ASIAPHILES!!! Read below: I was once like yourself, but I cannot cure you. It takes a person training their own mind in order to change your preference. Instead, I will help you another way. Here is a list of tips on how to HIDE your asiaphilia from an asian woman you are attempting to court:

1. Wear sunglasses. The main way asian women can tell a man is an asiaphile by the look in his eyes, and a person can tell a lot about a person just by looking in the other persons eyes (their mood, their attitude, etc.)

2. Make sure you are hygienic. This is a given for in any situation with a woman. Asiaphiles as asians call you, and once called me, are identified by a certain disgusting thing about them. A lot of asians have made the observation that a lot of asiaphiles dont shower, and some dont shave, and some dont do either. Make sure you are shaven and showered in the mornings. Make sure to get those hair cuts every now and then.

Father School

Oh my goodness, you HAVE TO read this article in the New York Times about an emotional bootcamp of sorts for Korean men of our parents' generation.

I burst into tears when I read the last couple paragraphs.  I wish I could go back in time and make this compulsory for all first generation husbands and fathers...how many awkward or broken relationships would this have mended?

Have any of you ever heard of Father School before today?  I cannot believe this is the first I have heard of this, especially since it's based right next to my hometown!

And while I'm here, I wish you all a very happy Mother's Day!!!!  Whether it's your first or your fiftieth, it's always nice to see your kids try to show their appreciation (or at least get some brunch buffet).

Love,
Julie 

Update: Eagle-eyed reader Karen sent me this link to a more in-depth article from Koream Magazine written a couple years ago. 

Postsecret . . . Open Discussion

I saw this on the 2/13/2011 postsecret.com.

What are your thoughts?

 

--Angie in Texas "marr[ied] a white man."

Love and Marriage

Love and marriage... love and marriage... *cue theme song from the Bundy Show*

I'm noticing how my relationship with my extended Korean family has changed since my marriage. I moved out and away for college so I don't see them all that often but I feel like there are these "unspoken" rules that now apply to me, since I am married and have kids.

1. I should give a cash gift, preferably a large cash gift, at family weddings. Some of my non-married cousins didn't give me a wedding gift. Their parent(s), however, did. This leads me to believe that until you are married, the nuclear family is considered as one unit for gift-giving purposes. I don't think I gave presents at my cousin's weddings either before I got married... granted I was rather young, not even working but still... I thought it was a little bit strange when most of my grown Korean cousins did not give me a wedding gift... but maybe that is the Korean way?

Individual vs Relational

I can't help but notice just the sheer number of words in Korean that have to do with your relationship to others... compared to the lack of the equivalent word in English.

Older brother can be oppa or hyung depending on if you are a girl or a boy.  Older sister can be unni or noona depending on the same.  An aunt can be emo, or gomo, or kun umma (big mom) or jack eun umma (little mom) depending on if the aunt is from your dad's side of the family or your mom's side of the family and if she is biologically related to you or if she married into the family. And this is barely barely scratching the surface of all these words!  Words that implicit in their being also have the capacity to tell you the gender of the person using the word, the gender of the person that is being referred to, the age (respective to the user) of the person that is being referred to, and also convey the amount of respect that one should have for this person.