Kimchi Mamas

Marrying Out

I am the product of an interracial marriage; my dad is white and my mom is Korean. And because of my experience as the biracial child of an interracial couple, I have always felt like race should have no place when it comes to love. Call me naive, but it confuses and offends me to to hear people talk about how they wouldn't date or marry a person of such-and-such race. Of course, attraction and love are tricky, complicated subjects when it comes to race (i.e. when does attraction cross over into fetishism?). But, ultimately, it makes my head explode to consider the idea that I would refuse to fall in love - or refuse to marry somebody I loved - if that person were of a different race than me. The idea is to me - a biracial person - personally hurtful.

Ultimately, however, I married a Korean American man. Being Korean was not on my Future Husband Checklist, but marrying my husband and starting a family with him has connected me more deeply to my Korean American identity. I am both proud and grateful for that. I like that my husband and I share a culture, identity and experience as second generation Korean Americans and I love being able to share that with our kids, but I know also that neither or marital bliss nor our familial strength are based predominately on those commonalities.

These experiences - as a mixed-race person married to a somebody of my own race (sort of) - make the recent report on the rise in interracial marriage by the Pew Research Center endlessly fascinating to me. Even more exciting perhaps is the section of their report on the Millennial Generation (teens and 20-somethings, that would include me) that reports on the near-universal acceptance of interracial dating and marriage among my generation. The first report on interracial marriage claims that 1 in 7 U.S. marriages is interracial or interethnic and this has got a lot of people very excited. As groundbreaking as this might seem, this CNN opinion piece by Cornell professor Daniel T. Litcher suggests that everybody calm down, take a deep breath and realize that the reason we've seen such a rise in the first place is that the baseline was so low to begin with. It was only in 1967, after all, that interracial marriage became legal. In other words, we've come a long way, but only because there were virtually no interracial marriages a couple generations ago.

Korean versus Western

It's crunch time here in Texas . . .

It's been a whirlwind courtship.  From a March meeting, to a May proposal and now an October wedding. But the rest of our lives . . .

(photos after the jump)

A Source of Shame

Communication is one of the things, if not THE ONE thing, that make a marriage work.  I’d like to think I’ve learned from my first marriage – and preparing for the second one has made me more aware of the critical role communication plays in a successful marriage.

Recently we’ve been communicating about . . .

The Konnecting Power of Korean Komfort Food

It’s official: I am engaged.

Though the engagement wasn’t a total surprise, the proposal was . . . and really it was THE perfect proposal for us.  (A motorcycle ride – two bikes: his and mine, a Texas Hill Country river, grand cypress trees, the most beautiful engagement ring and the most loving, patient, caring, handsome man I know on one knee.)  * Swoon *

Interrogation: Please Don't Run Away!

I have started dating someone . . . and it's getting pretty serious pretty quick.  I have no issues with the speed at which things are happening . . . My family on the other hand may.

Though I'm kind of hoping this is one of those situations they surprise me . . .

Dating in the 21st Century - Asian Fetish Anyone?

I recently joined an online dating service.

Hello, my name is Angie in Texas and I date online.

The experience overall has been really positive.  I've met a few men who are interesting, smart, funny, good-looking, etc.  I have even gone on a few dates with these men.  And how do I know they're good-looking?  Because many of these sites (I use only one in particular) allow you to post photos of yourself and actually encourage you to do so - you generate more interest with photos . . .

The problem is that the photos are a dead give-away that I am Asian.  (There's a place to denote your ethnicity on your profile, but it's the photos that do it, I think . . .)  I have no issue with the fact that I am Asian.  I know it.  My family knows it.  Even my friends know it. 

The problem lies in the responding interested parties.

Like: Asian Fetish Man. 

Asian Fetish Man is the man who says "ni how" or "an yeoung" at the bookstore.  Asian Fetish Man is the guy you dated who on your first date wanted to know ALL about your "Asian-ess" or worse, kept talking about his experience with Asia, the people and the culture . . .  Asian Fetish Man is also the creppy guy who you *just KNOW* has that demoralizing fantasy of "oh me so horny" sexiness or complete submission.

Have you run into Asian Fetish Man?  And now that you're a MILF, do you still?

-Angie in Texas deletes Asian Fetish Men from her email.

Complexities of Race Relations

Everything you may have heard about these Korean parents wanting a Korean partner for their children?  Erase them from your mind.  Not true.  In fact, far from truth, judging from some of the past comments I have seen here on Kimchi Mamas.

Because I am divorced with a biracial child, my mother is concerned that I am now dating a Korean man.  Actually, a man who has very similar ethnic make-up as I: 1/4 Japanese and 3/4 Korean.  He even comes with a biracial daughter.  How perfect, one would think...

Why is she concerned?  She is concerned that a man who doesn't look like her own father will enter my Little Nabi's life.  She couldn't insist on her original protest, when I had once mentioned wanting to marry a Korean man some day, that I would be a huge disappointment to a Korean mother-in-law; my man is adopted so I was able to curtail any Korean mother-in-law discussions.

Kimchi Mamas WTF of the Week (an occassional series): Adultery is against the law in Korea?

Was reading with fascination today about Ok So-ri and her eight-month suspended sentence for cheating on her husband (who sued her) with some pop star. She blamed a loveless marriage and tried to get the law overturned saying it was a violation of human rights.  Apparently South Korea is the one of the few remaining non-Muslim countries with laws on the books stating that adultery is a criminal offense. I had no idea!

--Stefania Pomponi Butler

Is it possible?

I JUST had a thought in my head.

Is it possible that my mother resents my existence?

Is it possible that she resents the fact that I was born?

Is it possible that she wishes that she never had me?

I think the answer is yes.  Well, maybe not today, but yeah... maybe when I was younger.  Don't worry, I am not having a pity party over here.

Domestic Violence

This post is near and dear to my heart. 

As a public health student, I learned that Korean American families had one of the highest domestic violence (DV) rates among all ethnic groups in America.  Makes sense.  Historic male chauvinism combined with rampant alcoholism among a generation who grew up during a war (or the aftermaths) seems to be a healthy recipe for DV to thrive. Sprinkle it with a fiery temper and the passion (oh the passion!) that seems to be a part of Korean culture.  It may be a recipe for disaster.

Recently I read some stories here.  They are heart wrenching.