Stumbling across the Internet, I recently reconnected with a relative, a first cousin. His parents are the only other direct relatives who raised their family in the U.S., so that makes these cousins, my three siblings and me the only second-gen Korean-American offshoots of the clan. And our children are now the third generation. I haven't seen him since I was maybe, six or seven years old? We traded a couple of e-mails and shared some pictures of our kids. I told J about it.
Me: Listen, I found my cousin.
J: How do you know?
Me: I e-mailed him and he confirmed. Anyway how many people named ___, who went to ____ and ____ universities could be out there?
J: Oh.
Me: Apparently he doesn't talk to his parents anymore, either.
J: Yep, he's your cousin.
Me: *Marge Simpson-style* Hmmm ...
Love how J thinks he has my family all figured out (insert eye rolling here). I'd like to think we are more multifaceted than that, but maybe he's right, maybe it is that simple.
I know this doesn't mean all of a sudden I now have extended family in any meaningful sense. In my family, blood isn't thicker than water - even among my own siblings, our loyalties lie more with our friends and spouses/significant others than with each other or to our parents. In many ways we are like a broken family, even though our parents never divorced - we love each other, but we just don't want to be with each other. As much as we try, we all become people we don't want to be when our family is together. There were just too many wrong turns my parents took, that we each had to find a way outside the family to feel secure and loved or be dragged down with them, and we cannot look back. And anyone that marries into our family doesn't really get integrated. There is a bit of keeping at an arm's distance, and I don't blame them, my family is kray-jee, and I mean that in the clinical sense. It's just the truth. Beyond that, I have vast numbers of aunts, uncles and cousins I've never met, and I've even had one aunt tell me verbatim, "Who are you to me? My sister's daughter. So what. Don't contact me anymore." I'm leaving some critical details out here, but ouch ... so much for the family loyalty and unity my parents are always touting, and the pedigree they still cling to as a source of pride. I could really care less, having never felt any support or belonging to it. I would trade all of that to have emotionally grounded, responsible parents who put protecting and providing for their children above their own selfish pride and nervous breakdowns. But finding this one person made me happy. Even though we were not a part of each other's growing up, and even though I know so little about him personally. Even if we never see or talk to each other again. Just to know that there is someone out there, someone related by blood to me and to T beyond my immediate family, that seems to be doing okay out there, and happy. That now knows T exists. That he can let his own kids know, hey, you have a second cousin out there, too. For some reason, it still matters to me.
It does sadden me, to find out that in our two families, it looks like we're 0 for 2 for building a stable, cohesive unit outside of Korea. Although I can't say I'm surprised. (Sigh.) We are related, after all.
