EDITED TO ADD: I did write to the museum (please see comment section to see what I said to the museum). In the past, the generic answers I received whenever I took action in subtle incidents have been, "Oh, so-and-so is NOT like that usually, must have been having a bad day." "I'm sure so-and-so did not behave that way because of your race." "We apologize - but that is SO surprising. It's unlike so-and-so to be like that." So we'll see...
For the second time this month, I took Little Nabi (per her request) to the Science Museum. The line for the box office was long, snaking at least 4 times along the long lobby. It seemed every grandparent thought this would be a wonderful family event after Thanksgiving feast couple days ago. Because the museum shares a parking lot with a convention center where Hmong New Year's festivities were being held, the lobby was doubly crowded with party-goers in their beautiful Hmong native dresses.
As LN and I stood in line, I noticed an older woman, in her late fifties or early sixties, coming down our row, handing out leaflets. I heard her say, as she pressed each sheet in everyone's hands, "It tells you the different pricing packages - just something to help you decide while you're in line." She handed one to the woman in front of me. She glanced at me oh-so-briefly, suddenly turned 180 degrees, and handed a few out to people in the next row over. As she took a step past me, with her back to me, she turned again and handed a sheet to the woman behind me!
By this time, I had turned along with her and so, when she glanced back to see if I had noticed, our eyes met. She asked, "Oh, did you want one as well?" I bit my tongue as I said nonchalantly, "Sure, why not", while noting that she handed one to the others without asking whether they wanted one.
Ah, the mundane, subtle only in the perpetrator's small hateful mind, racism that keeps on giving...
Later, as she walked by our row again, I handed it back to her so that she could recycle the sheet for the next time. I had been pondering when it'd be worth getting a membership, i.e. when LN is ready to watch some of the movie shows they offer, it might be worth buying a membership instead of paying each time, so I stopped her and said, "I have a general question: Is there an age limit for the Omni Theater and the IMAX theater shows?"
She answered, mostly addressing the woman next to me in a conspiratorial manner (Oh, can you believe this woman's question?), "Oh, no. That Pompeii show is not appropriate for her."
ME: "No, no. I wasn't planning on taking her to the Pompeii show -"
Science Museum Witch: "How old she?"
ME: "She's 2 - but - "
SMW: "Yeah, no. She's too young. There're 3D shows that's more appropriate for her."
ME: "Yes, I understand. But is there an age limit?"
SMW: "Well, I really wouldn't take her to see the Pompeii show..."
She stepped away for a bit. Meanwhile, I turned to the Caucasian woman next/behind me, the one to whom SMW directed most of her answers, and asked, "Do you know why she was answering my question to you mostly?" The bystander chuckled and said, "I know! That was weird. I didn't ask the question!" I added, "And she didn't answer my question... did she?" "Nope, she sure didn't."
SMW came back and placed her hand over the air above my arm. She said, "I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but really, Pompeii is not appropriate for her."
ME: "I agree. But my question - "
SMW: "Yeah... no... (shaking her head emphatically, seemingly for the other bystanders' amusement) I really wouldn't take her in there if I were you. Okay?"
Me: "Um..."
She rushed off. I took a few deep breaths. LN always senses my tension and this was her day; I didn't want to get into it with the same old bullshit - how different is this from being invisible at the deli line, at work... oh, the patronizing advices I get. When someone tries to 'help' me by defining every polysyllable uttered, when someone automatically assumes he/she is better educated than I...
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Then after a fun day at the museum, LN and I were in a crowded parking ramp elevator. Three young Hmong girls decked out in their native dresses got off first on one of the floors. As soon as the door closed, I overheard this conversation:
Woman 1: "Did you see their costumes?"
Woman 2: (snicker) "Yeah... pretty gaudy..."
I then heard a rustle of a winter coat and, judging by their sudden silence, I guessed that one of them noticed my Asian features and nudged the other.
We got off on our floor. I knelt down to secure LN's hat and noticed that the couple who were snickering also got off, sheepishly averting their eyes. I also noticed the matching mullets and similar logger-wannabe flannel shirts, complete with a denim vest on one of them. With their fashion sense, I wasn't sure where they got off mocking someone else's national dress. I sighed.
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When I tell this story to someone, say a coworker, I will witness a few eyerolls. Oh, for god's sake, give it up! It's not like they left a noose on your desk... oh, wait, even that's not such a big deal. Lighten up!
I wonder how they would feel if these itty-bitty not-so-subtle everyday racially motivated snubs came their way... every day... in front of their children... When they all add up, these incidents are not so mundane, not so subtle, not so 'not a big deal'...
So I am faced with a challenge. Do I pick a fight with every single person who chooses to be patronizing, be condescending, and pretend that I am invisible?
Every day, I have to wear an armor. Especially with LN in tow. So I am not taken by surprise when subtle things happen, so I am not too flustered to react quickly enough to teach my daughter how to demand equal respect and courtesy.
It is a fucking heavy armor... and I am tired already from carrying a toddler while having to wear that shit.
-Mama Nabi
