Sometimes when I'm dropping off my daughter with my parents, we meet at a library in between our houses (about 20 minutes away for each of us). Thursday, when I dropped off my daughter, there was a man with a stroller trying to get out of the library through a set of double doors.
I offered to help with the doors and slipped around to get in front of him. He was like, "Oh, don't worry about it." But I know that getting through double doors with a stroller is no easy feat.
After I helped him through the doors, he saw my daughter waving to me through the window. I could see the realization wash over his face - oh, she has a child in her life, that's what she was helpful. And then he asked me, "Oh! Is that your niece?" I replied that no, it was in fact my daughter. Then he said to me, "Enjoy some time to yourself!" And I replied, maybe a little bitterly, "Yes, it's called going to work."
I have had a number of people remind me, with only a hint of sarcasm, that mothers never get time off. I understand the sentiment, but sometimes, I'd really just like some time 100% to myself. I usually patch together time to myself after my daughter is asleep, after the dishes are done, laundry is done, and lunches are packed. You know, at midnight when I have no energy left for anything.
Take for example Thursday and the library... We left our house at 9am, met my parents at the library at 9:30. I got to work at about 10:15. Stayed at work until 5:30, had dinner with my fiance. Watched my second movie of the year, drove 30 minutes out to my parents' house. Caught up with my dad a bit, watched some Olympics, showered, went to bed at 1am. 6:30am, I was up with my daughter, 9am, I was out the door.
I'm grateful that I was able to get out on a week night to catch a movie. But I guess the point is that as much as I enjoy making time for others in my life, I am horrible at making time for myself. And sometimes, I just crave solitude. Sometimes I just want to sit in my house and organize things, sometimes I want to sit and day dream. But those sometimes come so rarely that when they do come, I am so completely overwhelmed at the prospect of having a million different ideas about what I want to do.
I'd be lying if there wasn't a small bit of guilt that goes in to it all - I feel guilty that I'm a workaholic, and want to spend more time with my daughter. I don't know if I would feel right getting a babysitter so I could go sit in a coffee shop alone for an hour. I know that it's not right - I get babysitters to cover my crazy work schedule all of the time. But somehow, I've got an idea stuck in my head that it's acceptable to take time away from my kid to go to work, but not for my own sanity. And at some point, I won't be able to manage it all any more.
~ eliaday had a babysitter come to her house for the first time EVER this weekend, and it really wasn't so expensive bad.
