My friends and acquaintances everywhere are popping out progeny lately, and for some unknown reason these poor people are asking me for tips. I normally defer to the experts, since it seems like every hour of pregnancy, from conception to delivery, is covered in grotesque detail in books and websites. But in my personal experience, knowing when the embryo is the size of a fava bean is nice and all, but actually raising an infant was comparatively full of mystery and peril. Here is a collection of the advice I wish someone gave me concerning life right after having a baby:
1. Labor is merely the initial hazing period to the year-long bootcamp that is baby-rearing. Save your strength, whether that means laboring in warm water with Enya playing in the background or screaming at the nurses for more drugs. In other words, whether you're an all-natural badass or a morphine + epidural candyass, once the baby's out, that's when your job STARTS. And last time I checked, you don't get a medal if you suffer the maximum amount. Think about that before you turn down all the comfort measures, She-Ra.
2. Drink the miyuk guk, it actually helps. Everything else your mom says is antiquated BS though, so don't do anything that isn't guaranteed to help you feel better.
3. Your baby will not give a shit what his/her nursery and wardrobe look like. Admit to yourself early that you're just indulging your own wishful thinking and personal hang-ups, and remind yourself of this fact when you're longingly fondling the Sex Pistols onesie at Hot Topic. Because if left unfettered, you will eventually wind up like Billy Ray Cyrus. Oh come on, watch one episode of "Hannah Montana" and try to tell me it's all about Miley and not at all about his need to be a Cool Co-Star Daddy.
4. If you are breastfeeding, your nipples will darken tremendously. Mine turned black. And the milk doesn't shoot neatly out of one hole in the middle of your nipple. I really wish I knew that beforehand; it would have saved me from a couple heart attacks.
5. "Nine months in, nine months out" is actually more like "9 months in, 24 months out." Don't push yourself too early to start losing the baby weight! Your body just went through a lot of shit! Give it time to recover. You'll only injure yourself if you get overzealous.
6. Before the age of 12 months, you cannot spoil a baby. They start out telling you exactly what and when they need something. If you trust them from the beginning and follow their orders, they will learn to trust you as well.
7. Regardless of #6, throughout infancy, you are going to resent the hell out of your baby sometimes. It may come at 3:30 AM, or that interminable time in the late afternoon after the last nap but before dinnertime and they're crying for seemingly no reason. You will be caught flat-footed during a psychologically weak moment and will cry from helplessness. Put the baby down, let the feelings wash over you, and press the reset button. For me, a big spoonful of way-too-cold chocolate ice cream broke the spell and I was refreshed for another round of Rockabye Baby. Deep breathing, washing your face, stretching, find what works for you.
8. If you find yourself getting bored during your maternity leave, bundle up the baby and go for a slow walk around the block and tell him/her what you see. Talk slowly and ridiculously sing-songy as if your baby is on acid. You will blow the baby's MIND. It's awesome, never gets old.
9. Video is cool, but you will treasure the pictures more. If you can splurge on one thing, get a good, really fast camera. Babies are wiggly and they will not hold their little funny face for more than half a second. But record the babbling at least once with a tape recorder or something, it's really cute.
10. Regarding breastmilk vs. formula, working vs. staying at home, co-sleeping vs. Ferber, etc....you can totally take a chill pill. Don't let the fanatics on either side make you feel bad for what are essentially morally equivalent decisions. Many healthy, beautiful, genius babies were developed using all these methods and more, and chances are yours will turn out just fine as well. And although it helps to make some decisions and goals before the reckoning time comes, be flexible because life has an uncanny knack for throwing you curveballs.
Umma Fighting!
--Julie
