Are Korean moms especially apt at laying on the guilt? Did the NPR writer who reviewed Please Look After Mom (sorry, I forget her name) have a grain of truth in her otherwise racist review? Or is the laying on of guilt an equal opportunity character flaw, available in abundance to all mothers to dole out?
I guess I won't know until my kids are grown if I made them feel overly guilty but I sure notice myself feeling guilty a lot. Almost every time I leave the kids with the sitter, I feel guilty. I feel relieved too, and I almost always come back more refreshed with more of myself to give... but still the guilt is there. I think it's better than feeling resentful, but I still don't like the guilty. Why do I feel guilty? Do I judge myself, compare myself to other moms who tell stories of how they didn't watch a movie for five years, or didn't spend the night away from their kids for 10 years? Sometimes I wonder if they are really sharing that information to pine about their life or to secretly brag.
The alternative is to give in to the guilt and not ever do anything to feel guilty. That would mean that I would not have any needs. Of course, that's impossible. I think I would be overcome by resentment if I was trying to avoid feeling guilty all the time.
I want to teach my children that it's OK to take care of yourself. It's OK to have needs. It's OK to give yourself a time out. I cannot make everyone around me happy. The best I can do is figure out what I need to be the best mom I can be most of the time, even if that means that the sitters watch the kids sometimes. I'm only human. Maybe some moms don't need a night out, or a weekend break every once in a while... but I guess I am one of the women who do. Does that make me a bad mother? I don't think so and I certainly hope not.
I definitely think that there is this expectation in the Korean culture that Korean moms are supposed to sacrifice everything, I mean EVERYTHING for their children. I don't agree with that. Sacrifice may seem like a virtue but not if the one sacrificing is building up a mountain of resentment the whole time. Sometimes I wonder if that's what han (한) is.... a huge mountain of resentment that the person carries along their whole life, buried deep within their soul, too afraid to let it see the light of day, lest it ruin everything in its path.
- Mary
