Kimchi Mamas

Houston, We Have a Problem...and a Confession

To my beloved Kimchi Mamas,

Please do me and our community a favor by reading this short article on self-harm and violence in the Korean American community

I know this seems like a big bummer to post this during the holiday season, but 'tis also the season for a spike in suicides, suicide attempts, and domestic violence.

Does this ring a bell for you at all?  It definitely did for me:

Grace Yoon, executive director of the Korean American Family Service Center in New York, told The Huffington Post that Koreans come to America with high hopes of acquiring wealth and providing a good education for their children. When their expectations are not met, some feel like they have let their families down. Yoon commented that the problem has gotten worse since the recession, "especially with Korean fathers and heads of households whose small businesses are not doing well."

The article goes on to say that the intergenerational language barrier as well as the cultural taboo against seeking mental health services may contribute to the higher-than-average suicide rate in Korean Americans.

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If this helps anyone at all, I'll just put myself out there as someone who did try to kill herself when she was in the throes of what she now recognizes as a major depressive episode.  

I was 21, feeling exhausted and beaten down, not doing well in school, but instead of seeking help, I just ignored my health and soldiered on, terrified of delaying my graduation by yet another quarter or year.  It got to the point where I stopped talking to my friends and stopped checking in with my parents, unable to keep up the lies when I claimed I was okay.  As I got more and more insular, my whole world consisted of my classes and my inability to attend them, my lack of focus, my inevitable failure.  So a few days before my first finals, hating myself for letting my parents down, they who worked so hard and sacrificed so much so that I could go to a top-notch school, and I couldn't even repay them with simply succeeding, I tried to take my own life.  I honestly thought I was doing them a favor, relieving a burden.

I was so, so lucky that my attempt was feeble at best, and my roommate was in the apartment.

After that, I was hospitalized for a week.  For some reason, I had this stereotype against psychiatry and didn't consider it a fully-valid field of medicine.  I could not have been more wrong.  Thanks to the medication, counseling, and support I received then and afterwards, I finally graduated from university.  My grade point average was barely enough to scrape past, and my department might or might not have overlooked a single missing requirement, but I did it.  And my life instantly became easier once I stepped foot outside that damn campus and moved on with my life.

Did I at 21 have even the tiniest correct inkling about how life after college would be like?  Absolutely not!  My instincts and intuition that I relied on so heavily turned out to be completely off; I think it was because I was completely biased to see only the negative.  That's what depression does; it skews your outlook on everything to just remember the negative and completely ignore the positive, and that small shift in perspective is what makes depression so dangerous.  It was actually quite a relief to discover that my "lenses" were off and needed readjusting.  

The turning point for me was my dad tearfully telling me that he would rather have a non-college-graduate daughter than no daughter at all.  That he would have let me crash at home for as long as I needed in order to get back on my feet again.  And that he was truly sorry that it had to come to this for him to tell me that, that this was completely uncharted territory for him, that we would get through this together.  My mom was too overcome with emotion to speak to me then, but as time went on, I came to realize that she felt the same way.  And believe me when I tell you that my parents made the Tiger Mom look like a kitten; that I was pushed very hard all my childhood; and if you had asked me before all this if I truly believed they loved me, I would have a hearty laugh at the mere notion.

But it turned out that my Korean parents, as stoic and strict and cruel and physically punitive as they were, were still parents.  And now they are very demonstrative, nurturing, giving, loving grandparents.  

And now, daily I think to myself, "I'm so relieved I'm not dead.  All the fun I would have missed out on!"

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If you at any point feel as hopeless as I did that summer, please know that you aren't "crazy," that you are struggling alongside countless others, that there are other solutions besides death, that people love you and are rooting for you, that honest-to-goodness there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Or at the very least, there are enough points of light inside the tunnel to make it worth sticking around to observe.  DO NOT MISS OUT ON THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Call a friend and tell them you need help, call 1-800-273-8255, go to the emergency room, connect with people online, just don't leave yourself alone with the thoughts you are thinking, the same way you would try to save your friend who is trapped in a house with someone who is trying to kill them.

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If you got this far, thanks so much for reading.  This was difficult to write.

--Julie

Kim Jong Il is Dead

By now most of you probably heard that Kim Jong Il is dead at the age of 69. I saw some footages of North Koreans "mourning" via a Reuters video and to me, they just looked like people "faking" it. After reading this post on Ask A Korean, I can hardly "trust" North Korean journalism or even clips of videos that are released to the outside world.

Anyway, what does the passing of Kim Jong Il mean to me? Not much. I just hope that his son is not as corrupted by power to the degree that him and his father were. I was rather disgusted by his son's pudgy face in light of the fact that many in his country, at this very moment, are starving.

Who knows? Maybe reunification can really happen. Perhaps I may, one day, be able to travel to North Korea with my children.

What are your thoughts on Kim Jong Il's death?

- Mary

Best of the Worst

What's the worst thing your mom or dad has ever said to you?

My dad told me yesterday that he shows his love to me by yelling at me. Um... no thank you please?

Do your parents show you how much they love you by criticizing you too?

Here are some of the best of the worst things I've heard over the years:

• If you're not going to teach your children Korean, don't even bother bringing them to see me.
• Your sister does ____ , why don't YOU do ____?
• You are less than an animal.
• &^%#$% you &@^%#$^!!!

So, let me hear them girls (and boys). What's the worst thing your mom or dad has ever said to you? I know the Koreans can dish out some mean words.

- Mary

As promised....Giveaway results.

But first, what did Weeny Beeny sell?

A lot of you were right!  It's a Candy shop. I think they do specialize in jelly beans but they have a whole bunch of other candies too and it's selft serve, kind of like our Sweet Factories.  I snapped these shots at the Lotte World Weeny Beeny store.

Onto the winners!  I really wished we had a doll for everyone.  But since we can't, the following winners were chosen at random:

For the doll with the green top and red skirt:  Amy Bringham

For the doll with the yellow top and pink skirt:  Kat

Thanks for participating and Thank you for reading Kimchi Mamas!

How Do White Supremacists View Asians?

Koji Steven Sakai at 8Asians.com did what many of us do not dare to do: he lurked on white supremacist discussion boards in order to see what they though of Asian people.

Sakai reported back that the feelings were in fact mixed; some white supremacists viewed Asians, especially the Japanese, as a race to respect and/or model in terms of setting up a homogeneous yet prosperous society.  Others viewed us as a yellow menace.  

The excerpts included in the article just chilled me to the bone.  I found it a fascinating read, and wanted to share with the Kimchi Mama community.  What did you guys think?

--Julie

PS: Koji Steven Sakai is currently working on "Chink," a horror movie with an Asian American protagonist.

Queen of Housewives

I am currently totally addicted to just finished a Korean drama series called Queen of Housewives. It's on Hulu. My efforts to watch less TV is totally out the window. Anyway, I liked it because it's kind of funny. And of course, there was eye candy.

I never knew of Oh Ji Ho before but yeah.. me like.