Kimchi Mamas

Speaking Up

It happened in a swanky Bay Area hotel. We had finished a long day and had gotten together to debrief and socialize before all heading back to our homes throughout the Bay Area and beyond. It was a work event.

Everyone was enjoying finger foods and drinks and making small talk. We talked about the weather. Because that's what you do. And that's when one of my colleagues (an older White man) casually made a joke about how someone's wife was so cheap that she won't turn on the heater until it's below 40 degrees. He said something about her being Asian and implied that her cheapness was due to her Asian-ness.

I was so shocked. I couldn't believe my ears. The anger welled up from inside me.

I looked at him directly and spat out the words. "She did that because she's cheap! Not because she's Asian!"

I turned to the Southasian American woman colleague, let's call her Priya, sitting next to me and asked, "Did he just really say that?" She replied, "I know. That's so R word." I said, "Yeah, that's hella racist! I can't believe he just said that." Priya agreed, "I can't believe he said that either. I am shocked."

He went on chatting with other colleagues close to him, not acknowledging my comment or apologizing. The moment was over.

Except I kept thinking about it. I couldn't let it go. I told my husband about it. We talked about it at the dinner table. I told my friends. I posted about it on Facebook. I even told some of my coworkers. Someone said I should report him to HR. I looked up the compliance hotline number. I didn't make the call. He was going to retire soon anyway, I won't have to work with him much longer.

Fast forward a couple months.

I had a final meeting with this group of colleagues and the perp happened to not be on the call. As we concluded the call, I felt like I should say something. If there was a perfect time to bring this up, it was now. I hesitantly said something like, "I'm not sure if this is the right place and time to bring this up but, well, I am doing it, and um.. well, at the meeting we had after the event, Paul (that's not his real name) made a joke that made me uncomfortable... and I'm not sure if any of you remember and some of you were gone already so you weren't there when it happened but I thought it was inappropriate and I've been thinking about it a lot. He made a joke..."

I told them what he said.

Priya chimed in, "I remember it and I've been thinking about it too! He was talking about so-and-so's wife!" It was even worse than I had remembered it. Apparently, he was talking about a coworker's wife!

We talked about what had happened and how inappropriate it was. How insensitive. He should not be making jokes like that. They acknowledged the difficulty in talking about things like this and thanked me profusely for bring it up. For saying something. They said that they were so sorry that this had happened. They affirmed my feelings. He had told borderline jokes before and needed to be aware of the impact of that kind of behavior. Know that it was not okay.

They asked if it would be alright with me if one or two of them had a little chat with him. They wouldn't mention my name, of course. I said that that was fine.

I got off the call feeling so supported and affirmed. They had responded with such kindness. They took my concern seriously and agreed that it was not right. A small part of me had been scared that they would dismiss my concern. It's because he's so old, they might say. Or he's retiring soon. Or the worst, "That's just the way he is." But they didn't. They applauded my courage in bringing this to their attention and assured me that they would address it. What he said was not okay. They were not okay with it.

I am in the middle of reading How to Be an Antiracist by Dr. Ibram Kendi and I think I was putting what I learned from the book into action. I was trying my best to be antiracist. I raised my voice instead of being silent about a racist behavior in the workplace.

Although it was scary, I was so proud of myself for speaking up.

Afterwards, I felt free. I could finally let it go.

- Mary

(Cross posted on my personal blog here.)

For your consideration

 

 

A dear friend of mine picked up my book on parenting recently and said, “you know this is going to help a lot of people, you really should get it out there and let people know it exists.”

 

 

My book, “Teach Them How To Fish”, is an academic coaching guide for parents.  It is a look at what really helps a child be successful in the most organic and natural way possible.  It addresses the question, “how  can we parents provide the right soil for our children to grow and be nurtured in so that they can rise to the occasion of their own lives in a way that is fulfilling for them?”

It is about doing everything that we can to provide a solid foundation for our children, looking at our own selves to teach by example how to be successful.

I wrote this book after my son successfully entered UC Berkeley School of Law at age 19, which was his goal; I recalled the coaching methods that I utilized to guide him.  I also used the same method to help improve the academic standings of other students and clients of mine.

My book is available at my website Teachthemhowtofish.com.

 - Nancy

Book Club Discussion Post: "Honolulu"

Hey Book Clubbers!   Welcome to the discussion thread for "Honolulu." 

Please submit answers to any or all of the following discussion topics in a comment below:

1. Initial impressions of the author's overall writing chops, style, theme.
2. How have Americans’ attitudes toward immigrants changed - or not changed - since the 1900s? 
3. How accurate is Alan Brennert's (a white American man) depictions of Korean women and/or the immigrant experience compared to your experiences?
4. Place yourself in the world of "Honolulu."  Who do you think you could have been, knowing your character?  A ki-saeng?  An enterprising innkeeper?
5. Grade the book on an A-F scale

I will gather answers into a group book review, and will post the next selection next week!

Aloha!
--Julie 

Announcing the next KM Book Club Selection: Honolulu by Alan Brennert

Hi, Kimchi Mamas!

Hope everyone is having a fantabulous summer so far.

I am happy to announce July's book club selection, Honolulu by Alan Brennert.  This one was suggested to me by none other than Amazon.com's greatest recommendation-guessing robots, but from the synopsis alone, it sounds right up our alley.  I'm always curious to read books told through a woman's point of view but written by a man.  Sometimes it can be amazing (She's Come Undone is a notable example).

If you're interested in joining us, please comment below, and I will open up a discussion thread on Saturday, July 27th!  Can't wait to hear from you guys!

Mahalo,
Julie

------------------------------------------ 

Book Description:

From the bestselling author of the “dazzling historical saga” (The Washington Post), Moloka’i, comes the irresistible story of a young immigrant bride in a ramshackle town that becomes a great modern city 

“In Korea in those days, newborn girls were not deemed important enough to be graced with formal names, but were instead given nicknames, which often reflected the parents’ feelings on the birth of a daughter:  I knew a girl named Anger, and another called Pity.  As for me, my parents named me Regret.”

Honolulu is the rich, unforgettable story of a young “picture bride” who journeys to Hawai'i in 1914 in search of a better life.

Instead of the affluent young husband and chance at an education that she has been promised, she is quickly married off to a poor, embittered laborer who takes his frustrations out on his new wife. Renaming herself Jin, she makes her own way in this strange land, finding both opportunity and prejudice. With the help of three of her fellow picture brides, Jin prospers along with her adopted city, now growing from a small territorial capital into the great multicultural city it is today.  But paradise has its dark side, whether it’s the daily struggle for survival in Honolulu’s tenements, or a crime that will become the most infamous in the islands’ history...

With its passionate knowledge of people and places in Hawai'i far off the tourist track, Honolulu is most of all the spellbinding tale of four women in a new world, united by dreams, disappointment, sacrifices, and friendship. 

----------------------------------------

Book Club Discussion Post: "Please Look After Mom"

Hey Book Clubbers!   Welcome to the discussion thread for "Please Look After Mom." 

Please submit answers to any or all of the following discussion topics in a comment below:

1. Initial impressions of the author's overall writing chops, style, theme.
2. When Chi-hon asks Mom, "Did you like to cook?” how does Mom’s reply summarize the divide between her own and her daughter’s generations (p. 60)?  How would YOU answer if your child asked you the same question?
3. Out of all the major characters (Chi-hon, Hyong-chol, the younger sister with 3 children, Mom, Dad), who do you think was most responsible, if anyone, for Mom's disappearance?
4. What are the details and cultural references that make this story particularly Korean?  What elements make it universal?
5. One of my favorite parts was the story of the bizarre friendship between Mom and Lee Eun-Gyu (p. 200-211).  Were any mysteries solved with their story, or did it just enshroud Mom with even more layers of secrecy?
6. Grade the book on an A-F scale

I will gather answers and post a summary in two weeks, resulting in our very first official Kimchi Mama group book review!  So please make sure to at least grade the book!

--Julie

Dari: The First Bilingual Anthology of LGBTQ Korean American Stories and Art

May is dear to me for several reasons: it is Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, and it is also Mental Health Awareness Month!  

In those veins, I present to you a book released today by the Dari Project, a New York-based all-volunteer consortium that aims to increase awareness and acceptance of LGBTQ people of Korean descent in Korean American communities.  They develop resources to share the experiences of LGBTQ Korean Americans, ranging from homophobia in their KA communities, coming out, building relationships with family, and membership in faith communities.

On May 2, the Dari Project will be unveiling a bilingual publication that contains a collection of personal stories written by LGBT Korean Americans. The book contains 25 personal essays covering a variety of themes -- coming out to immigrant parents, responding to homophobia/transphobia in the Korean church, organizing the community after a gay bashing in NYC's Koreatown, etc. The contributors live across the US and South Korea, and include a diverse array of identities within the Korean American community -- biracial Koreans, adoptees and trans people.

I love their name, because dari means both legs and bridge, and this anthology seeks to provide both: support for the LGBTQ community, and a way to bridge Korean Americans from different generations, ideologies, and languages.

Check out their gorgeous logo:

Copies of the book can be requested on the Dari Project's website.

h/t to my friend and heroine, Andy Marra

Happy May Day! Video Letter From Julie!

Hi all--

I thought it would be faster to make some announcements via video, but forgot that it would take a lot shorter for YOU if I wrote them out!  So the too long; didn't watch version is:

1. New Kimchi Mamas!  Check them out!  They are awesome, and I'm very excited to hear more from them.

2. Site redesign going up this weekend!  Please feel free to poke around on Monday, and email us at the kimchimamas at gmail dot com address with any issues you may encounter.

3. Book Club!  We will be reading a new book every two months, and discussing it right here on the site.  This month's selection is Please Look After Mom by Kyung-Sook Shin.  We will put up a book discussion post on June 1, so that gives you all of May to locate a copy and read it.  

--Julie

PS: Yes, I am in one of those life stages where I have fine lines AND zits!  No, I wasn't stoned, but I have been staring at a screen all day, so pardon my red eyes and mistaking June for January, lol!

Kimchi Mama Honor Roll: Inhae Lee, Creator of My Milk Toof

The creator and author of My Milk Toof, Inhae Lee, held her first gallery show in S.F. and I took my boys to meet the author of one of their favorite books. I have been following her blog for a while and bought myself my kids a copy of her first book, My Milk Toof, The Adventures of ickle and Lardee. My older son, Christian (6) has memorized the book cover to cover and giggles at every joke.

Book Review - Escape from Camp 14

Disclosure: I got a free copy of this book to review.

Escape from Camp 14 written by Blaine Harden tells the true story of how Shin Dong Hyuk broke out of a brutal labor camp in North Korea, eventually making his way to the USA. Complete with maps and drawings, Blaine makes it easy for the reader to picture this harrowing story. I heard Shin Dong Hyuk speak at an event in Stanford before so his story was not new to me. However, reading about the details made it so much more real.

Born inside Camp No. 14 Shin Dong Hyuk was the product of a marriage that was itself a form of reward, a reward reserved for prisoners who modeled "good" behavior such as snitching on fellow prisoners. He survived by doing whatever he could to secure food. He grew up to be the model snitch, not even thinking twice to snitch on his own family.

This book provides an accurate and horrifying look into North Korea's infamous labor camps. A hopeless world where humans become driven by hunger and hunger alone. Where affection does not exist. Yet even in such a bleak place, compassion comes at unexpected times. 

Book Review - To Be Sung Underwater by Tom McNeal

Disclaimer: I got a free copy of this book to review.

I recently finished reading To Be Sung Underwater by Tom McNeal. The book tells the story of Judith Whitman, a film editor who lives a posh life in Los Angeles but has may doubts about her life. Doubts about her relationship with her husband, doubts about her abilities as a mother, and doubts about her first love whom she left behind in Nebraska when she got accepted into Stanford.

The book is beautifully written but I found Judith to be unlikeable. I found her to be vain, selfish, and self-centered, not really giving a sh*t about her daughter or her husband and shrugging off her responsibilities to go off to meet her long lost love. Her husband seemed like a prick, and her daughter seemed spoiled.