Kimchi Mamas

Mother Tongue?

I'm about to make the jump in to being the parent of a kindergartner.  Gulp.

My partner and I are trying to decide what school will be best for her.  Our local district-assigned school teaches all the kids Spanish, starting in kindergarten, through 5th grade.  There is a nearby school, that we could try to petition to get our daughter, T, in to, that has a similar program that teaches all the kids Mandarin.

Part of me would really like to send T to the neighborhood school - where most of the kids will live closeby and there is a tight-knit school-based community.  But, another part of me thinks that it's an amazing opportunity to have T learn Mandarin in school, with all of her classmates.  Unfortunately, Mandarin isn't really her mother-tongue.  It's closer than Spanish, but my grandparents speak Cantonese, and her dad's parents speak Korean.

I don't really know how to weigh this all.  There's no way to guarentee that T could go to the school with the Mandarin program.  Would she benefit from this?  More than Spanish?  Would it be more beneficial overall to go to the neighborhood school?  There are a bunch of other complicating factors... so I feel a little overwhelmed.  I know that at the end of the day, T will have a good education.  But, still, I worry about these kinds of decisions, and what it will mean for T in the big picture.

How are you going about exposing your kids to other languages?

~ eliaday, who is more fluent in French than Chinese and oddly enough gets them confused in her head.

Research study on Korean adoptees

I recently received an email from my friend Saebom, who is a Korean adoptee doing a research study on the experiences of Korean adoptees.  This is such an under-studied topic, and I think it's so important that Korea adoptees are starting this research.  Please help out if you can, and feel free to pass this information along!

- eliaday, who wants to help out a friend

--

We need your help if you are a Korean adoptee who is:

* Currently 20 years or older
* Went to Korea at age 20 or older
* Went to Korea and RETURNED to pre-Korea life 

Please respond to our independent research study! 

There are only 49 questions, and it should take 20-30 minutes. Email us for the password  at 2curiouskads [at] gmail com, and then proceed to this link: http://www.kwiksurveys.com/online-survey.php?surveyID=BIDNH_636365b6. Be sure to enable cookies before you start so you can go back  later on if you need to.

Some of these questions might seem personal, but the more open and honest you can be the more helpful your responses will be for other adoptees. Please know that your responses are generated anonymously. 

Feel free to post this message on your own blog or copy, paste and email it to anyone who might be interested in participating. Or simply email us at 2curiouskads [at] gmail com, with a list of emails, and we'll be happy to send out the information.

Here’s some info on us. We are Korean adoptees, 32 and 35 years old, who've been Korea 2-3 times. After we returned from Korea last year we felt isolated. Displaced. Confused. Unable to ease back into our pre-Korea lives. We wondered if other adoptees felt the same way. More importantly, if they didn't, what had they done to prevent these feelings from manifesting? What sort of foundations, behaviors, life circumstances did they have in place that enabled them to feel rooted and connected when they returned? And how could this information offer support to other adoptees? 

This is where you come in. If we get enough responses we will develop the results into a presentation for the IKAA Gathering in Seoul this summer so that your responses will help others just like you. 

Much appreciation,
Rae Anne and Saebom
2curiouskads [at] gmail com

I like myself just how I am, I think?

So, I have some extra time to myself this week while my daughter is spending some time with her dad.

The plan: haircut!

I haven't gotten my hair cut in over six months. My last hairdresser said something about "oriental babies" being so cute, so instead of saying anything, I'm just never going there again.

This time, I went to a Korean hairdresser. I liked her because she was more business than chatty. But, once I opened my mouth and asked about wedding hair, it was all over.

Instead of giving me a regular blow dry, she made my hair all pretty and curly - "Today's your wedding day!" she proudly exclaimed. So, today, for the first time ever, I have boing-boing curls. And I almost like them.

On the flip side, I am miffed that the makeup artist that works at the salon made comments about my skin. She told me, "you have an acne problem."

Great. I could feel her looking at my brows, my forehead. Eh. She asked if I was going to wear contacts when I got married, and I told her that, no, I don't wear contacts. She was shocked. Now, why in the world would I trust someone like that to do my makeup for my wedding?

It just confirms all the negative things that I think of when I think of beauty products and beauty salons. I believe that I can be beautiful without getting my eyebrows done, without contacts and with my acne. Why do I need to have curly hair to be beautiful? Who ever said that my straight black hair isn't beautiful?

I'm torn. I'm enjoying the boing-boing curls for tonight, even though it just doesn't feel like me. But it makes me want to rebel and not so anything crazy and fancy with my make-up and hair for the wedding. Because I'm not that fancy (I'll admit, I am sometimes crazy) in real life.

But, I'll admit it. I'm totally enjoying flipping my curls, just for tonight.

~ eliaday, who washed out her boing-boing curls this morning and is enjoying straight, newly cut hair.

So, I have some extra time to myself this week while my daughter is spending some time with her dad.

The plan: haircut!

I haven't gotten my hair cut in over six months. My last hairdresser said something about "oriental babies" being so cute, so instead of saying anything, I'm just never going there again.

This time, I went to a Korean hairdresser. I liked her because she was more business than chatty. But, once I opened my mouth and asked about wedding hair, it was all over.

Instead of giving me a regular blow dry, she made my hair all pretty and curly - "Today's your wedding day!" she proudly exclaimed. So, today, for the first time ever, I have boing-boing curls. And I almost like them.

On the flip side, I am miffed that the makeup artist that works at the salon made comments about my skin. She told me, "you have an acne problem."

Great. I could feel her looking at my brows, my forehead. Eh. She asked if I was going to wear contacts when I got married, and I told her that, no, I don't wear contacts. She was shocked. Now, why in the world would I trust someone like that to do my makeup for my wedding?

It just confirms all the negative things that I think of when I think of beauty products and beauty salons. I believe that I can be beautiful without getting my eyebrows done, without contacts and with my acne. Why do I need to have curly hair to be beautiful? Who ever said that my straight black hair isn't beautiful?

I'm torn. I'm enjoying the boing-boing curls for tonight, even though it just doesn't feel like me. But it makes me want to rebel and not so anything crazy and fancy with my make-up and hair for the wedding. Because I'm not that fancy (I'll admit, I am sometimes crazy) in real life.

But, I'll admit it. I'm totally enjoying flipping my curls, just for tonight.

~ eliaday, who washed out her boing-boing curls this morning and is enjoying straight, newly cut hair.

Pink parking spots?

No thanks, I'll walk.  Has anyone heard about these new pink parking spots in Seoul?  Apparently, they are part of an effort to make the city more women-friendly.  The pink parking spots are closer, so that women in heels don't have to walk as far.

Somehow, this doesn't quite sit right with me.  I think it's great that some supermarkets here in the U.S. have special parking spots for pregnant women or people with young children.  But for women because of their heels?  Isn't that kind of a different issue than parking for pregnant mothers or people with different abilities?  I only ever wear heels on very special/important occasions, and even then, I change back in to more comfortable shoes as soon as humanly possible. 

I was also surprised to learn that in Seoul, only half of the women have full-time jobs.  According to this Time piece, the pink parking spots are part of a bigger effort that aims to help women find jobs and and also includes things like building more public restrooms, adding lights in public spaces, and more public day-care centers.  I'm in favor of all of these things.  Except the pink parking spots.

~ eliaday, who'd wear flip flops or clogs to work every day if she could.  (h/t Jason for sharing this website with me!)

You can do it all...

... just not at the same time.

This is my new mantra.  I spent four days at a leadership development program specifically focused on Asian Americans.  It was awesome.  I met women, who like me, struggled with figuring out how to balance work and family.  And repeatedly, they said, "You can do it all... just not at the same time."

I wish someone had told me that earlier.  I have that instinct in me - to always do more.  I think the high (or low?) point for me was when I overrode my adviser's advice not to take any classes during the semester when I was due with my daughter.  Slow down for pregnancy?  Put my education on hold?  While I pop out babies?  No problem, I can do it all.

And the thing was, I thought I was doing it all.  Everyone commended me for my commitment to my education.  People called me super woman for managing a crazy work schedule and a crazy personal schedule.  And all that ever did was encourage me to take on more, to keep going.  Because hey, I am superwoman, right?

Now, I'm just overwhelmingly tired.  I still have these overachieving urges to go back to school, to take on additional responsibilities at work.  I have a hard time saying NO to what look like good opportunities.  I spend almost every moment that I'm not working with my daughter.  And when I'm not with my daughter, I'm with my finance.  And rarely am I just with myself.

I'm glad that someone finally told me to slow down.  Which isn't the same as compromising on my personal goals and desires.  Yes, I intend to go back to grad school.  But that doesn't mean that I need to  get married, back to school, work, and pop out more babies all at once.  It just means maybe I'll go back to school in 10 years, have babies in 5 years, and get married in one.

It takes a little bit of the pressure off.  Just a little.  That I don't need to tackle everything tomorrow.  What has helped you manage all the roles in your life?  What did you struggle with along the way?

-- eliaday, who is a recovering overachiever.

Miscommunication

This evening, I had a babysitter watch my daughter for a couple of hours.

When I came back, the sitter asked me, "How do you say fart in Korean?" 

My daughter gave me this sheepish look.  "Why does [sitter] want to wipe my butt after I pangu?"

At this point, I was very confused.  Then, the sitter told me, "I was all worried because I thought she pooped and she wouldn't let me clean her up!"

This is what happens when a) your child announces, "I pangu-ed!" every time she passes gas, and b) she doesn't really know that it's another language and assumes that everyone else knows what it means.

~ eliaday, who doesn't know much more in Korean than her daughter.

The first Asian American president at an Ivy League college

Dartmouth College just announced that Dr. Jim Yong Kim, a Harvard-trained world health pioneer, will become the Ivy league school's next president.  Dr. Kim was born in Seoul, and grew up in Muscatine, Iowa.  Not only is Dr. Kim a doctor, but he is a founder of Partners in Health AND a recipient of a MacArthur genius grant.  No pressure kiddies!

I'm especially happy at this announcement because, despite the fact that Asian American students are well represented at American colleges and universities, Asian Americans make up only 1% (or 33) of all college and university presidents.  Make that 34!!

~ eliaday

History

This past week I had a conversation with my mom about how I learned about Asian American history.  There is no doubt in my mind that had my mom not prompted and prodded me to write my history papers on different parts of Asian American history, I would have learned nothing about the history of my own people in America.

In particular, I asked her if she remembered when she told me about the Vincent Chin murder.  She thought that it was in high school, which is kind of reasonable considering it was a brutal hate crime.  BUT, I am fairly certain that I was in 5th or 6th grade.  I specifically remembering thinking how dumb the whole thing seemed - dumb being my 5th or 6th grade way of contemplating hate crimes.

I wonder about how I will share stories of Asian American with my children.  I think that our stories still fall outside of the mainstream and don't always receive the attention and care that is needed.  I think that hearing about things through the voices of family, imagining things that my grandparents might have gone through - those are all important ways of sharing our past with our children.

I already have some books, but the stories are so hard to find.  And some of the stories are so sad!  I think it's important to teach my children about things like Japanese internment ("Baseball saved us" comes to mind), but at the same time, it's such a hard conversation to start.  Especially with a four year old who asks WHY to just about anything I say.  (I can picture it now, "Why did FDR think that Japanese Americans were spies?") 

How do you plan on teaching your children about Asian American history?  What questions are you nervous about answering?

~ eliaday

Uncharted territory

So, this isn't really a Kimchi thing, so much as it is a Mama thing.  I'm just hoping to tap into whatever Kimchi Mama resources are out there, because I'm in need of some guidance.

First, some background...  Last spring, I got engaged. =)  My daughter is currently 4 and a half.  We're not planning on getting married until the summer of 2010.  My fiance is a grad student right now.  He doesn't live with us, because I think the stress of moving isn't a good match for someone who is trying to finish his degree.

So, we're in limbo.  My fiance stays over at my house on the weekends, but we don't see him during the week because our schedules don't work in a way that it makes sense.  My daughter knows that he's part of our family (he's not her dad).  When we play house, I'm always the mom, and she's always the sister, and he's always the brother (and sometimes even the little sister). 

Part of me believes that this is because she doesn't have any other way of fitting him in to our family.  She has a dad; he just doesn't live with us.  So, I can see how she wouldn't see him some kind of a father - because she has no examples of blended families, or friends with step-parents, etc.  She doesn't even know what a step-parent is!

I've started doing some research to find books about blended families.  The thing is that nearly every book that I've seen focuses on the wedding.  I am really really reluctant to tell my daughter about the wedding - mostly because she's four and has zero sense of time.  I could barely handle her asking me every day in December if it was Christmas; I don't think I could manage talking to her about a wedding that isn't happening for over a year.

So, I'm wondering: Does anyone know of any good books about blended families?  And I know it's asking a lot, but I'd love love love to find a book about different families where the families were anything other than white.

~ eliaday, who doesn't quite know how to start a blended family that isn't quite blended yet.

Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act!

 I'm so excited that the first bill that President Obama signed into law was the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.  Thursday morning, I read the following from MomsRising.org:

Right now women without children make 90 cents to a man's dollar, mothers make 73 cents, and single moms make only about 60 cents to a man's dollar. Passage of the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act is a great step forward, but we still have a long road ahead of us to reach truly fair pay.

It's disappointing to me, as a single mother, to read that in 2009, women still make less than men, that mothers still make less than non-mothers, and that single mothers make even less than married mothers. 

It gives me pause, because while I do want to teach my daughter that she can aspire to do whatever she wants, I also want her to understand that there are such things as racism and sexism. 

I know that there are a lot of assumptions built in to these statistics, about the kinds of careers that men and women choose (think of the gender gap in education).  I hope that people realize that one act won't change pay inequities.  And I hope that everyone will do their part in breaking down some of the preconceptions that lead to these inequities.

~ eliaday, who would love to make as a much as a man's dollar without being a man.