Kimchi Mamas

Letter from Dad

My dad wrote me a letter from a detention center. He's waiting to find out if he will be deported or not. He's a permanent resident and broke some laws so the government is trying to deport him to Korea. Here is a translated version of his letter.

Praise be to Jesus.

I'm glad to hear that your family are healthy and well. Thanks to the money you sent in July, I'm able to buy various snacks and am well. 

There are many here whose circumstances don't allow that and they just stare at others who are eating. I think it gives happiness and joy when one is able to gladly share with those around us who are less fortunate.

Rather than to those who share our happy times, to those who share our hard times is where our love flows and affections run deep. One can be healthy and suddenly, one can face hard times. Such is life. 

In a little while, I'll be ending my time here. I'm choosing to think that it's one phase of my life that God is giving me, and trying to have a thankful heart, thinking of those who are less fortunate and pitiful than I. 

According to the lawyer, things will be decided in mid November. But we'll only know when times has gone by and when all things that should happen, have happened. Things change so quickly, the outcome is unknown.

Your card was brimming with love and I received it with joy that I wouldn't exchange for anything. Additionally, you hand made the card and I could know how much you love me.

Your sister also has created a happy family and is living a busy life. When I see you both, I think that my daughters have turned out so well and am filled with joy and pride. 

I think the ajumma [referring to his girlfriend] has a kind personality. Even during hard circumstances, she has a pleasant attitude and we have a good time every time she comes to visit. I tell her to stop visiting since it takes almost the whole day for one visit and she has to spend a lot of time waiting but she still comes. There isn't much time left in here but I'm still being healthy.

I called your sister. She was worried and told me not to worry about money and to just be healthy. Even though my current circumstances are difficult, I am joyful when I think about how kind my daughters are.

Your uncle [his little brother] says he'll visit in October. I'm not sure what's going on but I just heard that he's coming. He will tell me the details when he comes to visit. 

Well until next time, I wish for you to be healthy and happy and have a peaceful family life in prayer.

To all of my loving family members.

Your dad.

 

I'm not sure why he thought the card was hand made, because it was not, but I'm surprisingly touched by his letter and his poetic writing abilities. I thought he was writing to ask for more money because that's the only time that he seems to get in touch with me but I'm glad that I was wrong. Anyway, I wanted to put it up here so that I don't ever lose it.

- Mary

An Unexpected Sweetness

My dad is a bit shy. And a little awkward. In a crowd, he'll be standing near the periphery with a big grin on his face. And twenty minutes later, he'll still be there, with the same grin. Without even a drink in his hand. 

He never drives the car over the speed limit, even when other cars backlog behind him, honking, and they finally pass, revving up their car and craning their necks to see who the hell drives at 55mph during rush hour.

His weight never fluctuates. For most of his adult life, he weighed exactly 120 pounds, a slight weight even for his 5 feet 4 inches. Now in his 70s, he has the shape of a skinny pre-teen. At mealtimes, he used to lecture us never to eat until we were full. Just stop before you fill up, he advised, because your stomach needs time to register its fullness. He rarely eats dessert, never a bite after he brushes his teeth, and rarely snacks, only relenting when my mother goads him repeatedly.

"An Overlooked School Shooting..." One Year Later

Did anyone else hear the NPR "Talk of the Nation"  "around the nation" segment about the Oikos University shooting? It aired earlier today: An Overlooked School Shooting and the Korean American Community.

It was a very short interview with Jay Kang, but I'm glad it was done at all. Mr. Kang spoke of "han", the idea of "The Korean Dad", and the stereotyping of Korean Americans and shootings.

I am curious to continue the conversation... I am curious to hear your thoughts and especially the thoughts of our fellow Kimchi Mamas who live in the SF/Oakland area.  Were there any memorials? Articles in your local paper(s)?

What was your reaction when this happened? How do you feel about it now? And how do you feel about it now within the context of the Virginia Tech shootings 5 years ago this month? And within the context of the Newtown Massacre?

How do you think this affected the Korea/Korean American community locally? Nationally? 

How do you think culture played a part?

 

(Angie in Texas)

*I purposely did not use the names of the shooters in any the events.

 

Best of the Worst

What's the worst thing your mom or dad has ever said to you?

My dad told me yesterday that he shows his love to me by yelling at me. Um... no thank you please?

Do your parents show you how much they love you by criticizing you too?

Here are some of the best of the worst things I've heard over the years:

• If you're not going to teach your children Korean, don't even bother bringing them to see me.
• Your sister does ____ , why don't YOU do ____?
• You are less than an animal.
• &^%#$% you &@^%#$^!!!

So, let me hear them girls (and boys). What's the worst thing your mom or dad has ever said to you? I know the Koreans can dish out some mean words.

- Mary

How is your relationship with you parents?

As a 1.5 generation Korean woman, I am finding my relationship with my parents rather superficial. I'm kind of estranged from my mother at the moment, and my father lives about 300 miles away and I barely see him once a year. I find myself wondering, what is a "normal" Korean child-to-parent relationship when the children are all grown up?

From what I see, I see either super codependent Korean children who seek their parents approval of everything, even their choice in career and spouse, or I see super independent offspring who don't give a shit what their parents say. I'm kind of the latter, if you couldn't tell already. I mean, I don't really not give a shit... I want them to be proud of me, of course, but I don't consult my parents advice about what to do about X, or how I should handle Y. Maybe that's what they WANT me to do, and since I don't do it... that's the cause of our "bad" relationship?

Father School

Oh my goodness, you HAVE TO read this article in the New York Times about an emotional bootcamp of sorts for Korean men of our parents' generation.

I burst into tears when I read the last couple paragraphs.  I wish I could go back in time and make this compulsory for all first generation husbands and fathers...how many awkward or broken relationships would this have mended?

Have any of you ever heard of Father School before today?  I cannot believe this is the first I have heard of this, especially since it's based right next to my hometown!

And while I'm here, I wish you all a very happy Mother's Day!!!!  Whether it's your first or your fiftieth, it's always nice to see your kids try to show their appreciation (or at least get some brunch buffet).

Love,
Julie 

Update: Eagle-eyed reader Karen sent me this link to a more in-depth article from Koream Magazine written a couple years ago. 

New Year Dumplings...and a Giveaway!

New Year preparations have already started in my neck of the woods.  Yesterday, we all headed over to my parents' house to make mandoo.  We don't have a set recipe for what goes into our dumplings, but there is pork, beef, extra-firm tofu, sprouts, kimchi, green onion, garlic, salt, and pepper.

This year, my youngest was able to participate!  We put her in charge of making the flatter version we use for fried mandoo:

And here is my dad, our resident mandoo-making expert, showing his patented technique for making the plumper kind used in soup:

On New Year's morning, the kids will dress up in their hanboks and bow to their grandparents, saying, "새해 복 많이 받으세요!"  Then they'll receive some money and some blessings, then we will all chow down on the dumplings we made!

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To ring in the new year, we're giving out presents!  One of my fellow Kimchi Mamas has a couple brand-new hanboks she'd like to give away to our readers!  They are gorgeous and have really hip colors and styling, so hip in fact, it's hard to find hanboks like these in the States.  

There will be two winners, one for the little Kimchi Babies (size 2, suitable for first birthdays and hopefully a year or two afterwards):

girl

or

boy

...and one for the slightly older Kimchi Kids (size 6...suitable for ages 4-8, depending on how tall they are):

girl

or

boy

(Just to reiterate, there will be one size 2 winner and one size 6 winner, and they will choose the gender they want.)

Enter by submitting a comment below with one of your family's New Year traditions, along with your preferred gender and size.  We will close off comments on January 14th, select a random winner from each size category, and ship the hanboks out in time for Lunar New Year!  Good luck!

Open Thread Thursday

It's late but... It's Open Thread Thursday. What's on your mind?

Today I read this article about 20 Something Men (at church).

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/panelists/mark_driscoll/2010/08/the_world_is_filled_with_boys_who_can_shave.html

What do you think ladies, do we agree or no?

Also a more general and academic article about the "new" 20 Somethings (including women.)
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html

- Kimchi mamas

Al-Anon

Given how prevalent alcoholism or "drinking problems" are in the Korean American community, I thought I'd get the word out about Al-Anon. It's basically like AA, except it's for people affected by friends or family members that are alcoholic. You know how they say that alcoholism is a family disease?  Well, I didn't really get that until I started going to Al-Anon.

My dad was and is an alcoholic. He can down two bottles of soju with dinner and see no problems driving home. I grew up with him drinking but didn't realize how much it affected me until I started going to Al-Anon. I'm sure my "problems" are not ALL from his alcoholism but I find that many of my behaviors are classic symptoms of having an alcoholic in the family.

It's like group therapy. There are meetings all over the place and probably one not more than 1 mile away from where you live. It's free, anonymous, and tremendously full of hope.

Happy Father's Day!

Today I wanted to take a moment to give a shout-out to all the amazing diaper-changing, bedtime-story-reading, Lego-playing Asian dads out there. Happy Father's Day.

--Weigook Saram