Kimchi Mamas

Umma

Later this month, I am taking a trip with my Mom, my Umma. We are going to a tropical island for five days. I am doing this voluntarily and it's not something that I thought I would ever do, especially in the last 20 years.

When I was five or six, my Mom left our family. I think she just packed up and left without telling anyone. I have no memories of the actual day when she left... just lots of memories of her absence. She had had enough of living with my alcoholic and abusive father and decided that she had to leave in order to survive. Even if that meant that she was going to live without her two daughters. She told me later that she cried for three days straight after she left.

So, for many years, my Mom was someone who visited. She would come secretly and tell one of our friends that she was here. The friend would somehow come find us and she would buy us fried chicken. Sometimes we stayed over at her apartment for a few days but she would be gone for work most of the time so me and my sister would have to find ways to entertain ourselves. I remember cleaning her house so that she would be proud of us. And drinking hot water mixed with the powdered creamer and sugar she kept by the telephone with the instant coffee.

When we immigrated to the States, she didn't come to the airport to say good-bye to us. I learned later that no one had told her we were leaving. My uncle apparently called her from the airport when he knew it would already be too late for her to come. If she was allowed to talk to us, I have no memory of it. I was ten years old so it would have stuck in my memory if we did. It would have been in one of those private telephone booths that are now extinct. I just remember being so excited to finally move to America. My Mom wasn't a big presence in my life by then so I don't even remember worrying about her or our relationship... or that I didn't get to say good-bye to her.

I don't know how many days she cried after that.

We kept in touch through letters. Hand written letters. Phone calls were expensive during the 90's. She kept every single letter we ever sent her and one day when I was on maternity leave and she was living with me, I sat down and read them all.

After graduating from high school, I went back to Korea for the first time to visit my Mom. The scene at the airport was one for the movies. As I exited the famous sliding doors from the international terminal at Kimpo International Airport, I scanned the row of eagerly waiting faces for a familiar one.

"So Yeon ah!" my Mom cried out.

"Umma! Umma!" I left my baggage cart and rushed to hug her.

It felt monumental and big. Seeing Umma for the first time in 8 years. I just kept saying Umma and crying. We made a huge scene but we didn't care.

When I had my first child, my Mom moved to the States to live with me for a while. The idea was that she would provide childcare so that we wouldn't have to send him to daycare.

Let me spare you the suspense. It was a disaster.

She didn't speak a word of English and didn't have a driver's license so she depended on me for everything. I was working full time and resented her for being so needy. We got into a huge epic fight and she ended up moving out and then we didn't really talk for a few years. We both needed space. Away from each other.

We started talking again slowly. A text here and there. A phone call here and there.

"I heard there was a fire in California. Are you okay?"

"Yes, we're fine. They're pretty far away but the smoke is really bad."

A phone call to let me know her new address. A text with pictures of the kids.

Slowly we made our back to each other to the point that I felt a little bad about letting her know of yet another vacation that my family had taken to Hawaii. She had never been to Hawaii before and partly because I wanted to go back soon, I suggested that we take a vacation there together. I don't think she could believe her ears.

She was like, "Thank you for even suggesting it. I am so moved."

"Umma, I'm being serious! Tell me when you can go and I'll make the reservations." I said.

"Oh, I am busy. I have English class and so many doctor's appointments. I have to have dental work done and it's going to take two months!"

"Okay. Just tell me when you'll be free. I can work around your schedule."

"Okay. Maybe in the fall."

"Okay. Fall is good."

Her partner called me a few days later and asked me to take her to Hawaii ASAP because she has nothing to do and she is available starting immediately.

LOL

So, my Umma and I are going to Hawaii in a few weeks. I picked the Big Island for her because there's so much variety there and I think she will really enjoy it.

Hopefully there won't be any epic fights. Just a lot of good food, good scenery, and good memory making.

Wish us luck!

Best,

Mary

Musings on Death

I recently watched Dear My Friends on Netflix. It’s a Korean Drama series about a group of elderly friends, mostly women, and their daily struggles with friendship, love, health, and family. All the important things. I found myself alternating between laughter and tears in a matter of seconds. Laughing and crying and laughing and crying. The writing is exquisite but the translation is shit so #sorrynotsorry.

Anyway, I was reminded how much Koreans talk about death. Especially the older folks. My mom has started, in the last few years, to say things like:

• It’d be better if I die soon.
• Old people just need to die.
• I need to die soon.
• People should just die when they get to a certain age.

If we weren’t Korean, I’d think that she needed to be on suicide watch. But this is very normal and common for older Korean folks to say. (All the while taking every vitamin or supplement under the sun to be as healthy as possible.)

Death and comedy seems an odd pair but the show does it so well. In one plotline, a woman gets cancer and is talking to her friend about it, who has already had her battle with cancer. The conversation is so so sad and serious, with them discussing who should be the one to tell the daughter. But there are some hilariously funny moments too with the friend suggesting that all their virtuous chastity and faithfulness to their husbands has been for shit and that they should “give it away generously to anyone who wants it” from now on. Then, they lament that no one would stand in that line even if they were giving it away for free. There is an abundance of Korean cussing which adds to the hilarity.

I used to think it was morbid when I heard older Korean folks talk about death but now I think it’s somewhat healthy. By talking about it casually, there is more opportunity for everyone to think about their own mortality. And to prepare, in ever subtle ways, for the inevitable.

- Mary

Do you sign?

How many of you are multi-lingual? Do any of you know a sign language? What about Korean Sign Language (KSL)? I actually just discovered that there was a KSL about 3 days ago. This semester, I… lucked into taking American Sign Language (ASL). I am a little ashamed to admit that the idea that a KSL existed didn’t even dawn on me until after my Monday night class. For me, ASL has been a life changing experience. I had no idea. Really, I just had NO idea.

Shakespeare, Gangnam Style

I was spending my lunch hour watching "Gangnam Style" for the hundredth time, and PSY's lyrics, in their brevity and cleverness, really reminded me of the Bard himself.  

So...since there is every other sort of "Gangnam Style" mash-up out there, why not "Gangnam Style in the form of a Shakespearean Sonnet"?

By day, a girl whose warmth and care inspire,
Whilst holding coffee cup, relaxing grace,
When night, it cometh, feels her heart a-fire,
This contradict'ry woman, I will chase.

Tho virile male, I'm no fortune's fool.
My warmth, it matcheth yours during the day.
My coffee, chuggeth all before it cools,
My heart, it bursts, when night her charms display.

Your love'ble beauty earneth fair remark,
Oh you, yes you, doth make this life worthwhile;
Together, 'til the bitter end, and hark!
Hey Sexy Lady, Oppa's Gangnam Style.

Above the runners soar the men who fly.
A man who knows a thing or two, am I.

Exeunt Julie, PSY, and Billy Shakespeare.

A Piece of Korean Romance

When people think of the world's greatest tragic romances, they may conjure up Romeo and Juliet, Rhett and Scarlet, or Cathy and Heathcliff.  However, I hope after this, people will also think of Eung-Tae Lee and his widow.

In 1998, South Korean archaeologists found the mummified remains of Eung-Tae Lee, who died in 1586, buried with one of the saddest, most romantic letters I have ever read, written by his widow.  Here's just a small snippet: (hat tip to Letters of Note...seriously, folks, it is the best blog out there right now.)

How did you bring your heart to me and how did I bring my heart to you? Whenever we lay down together you always told me, "Dear, do other people cherish and love each other like we do? Are they really like us?" How could you leave all that behind and go ahead of me?

So long ago, and she was so distraught, she could easily have jumped off the nearest Lover's Leap to rejoin her love.  But she didn't!  She had to raise their son, and here's the dramatic twist...SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH THEIR SECOND!!!  So instead of completely succombing to her grief, she cut off her hair, weaved her locks into one last pair of sandals for her husband, and buried them with him!  Even Sophocles and Shakespeare couldn't come up with a gesture more poignant than that.  Le sigh.

Romance, it's in our blood, Kimchi brothers and sisters, and for much longer than "Winter Sonata" has been on syndication.  Now go forth and woo.

--Julie

 

Kimchi Mamas Honor Roll: Christy NaMee Eriksen

From yesterday's Angry Poetry Corner on Angry Asian Man, here is a snippet from a poem entitled "How to Tell if a Korean Woman Loves You" by Christy NaMee Eriksen, a Korean Adoptee based in Juneau.

If you walk out of a Korean woman’s kitchen
and there is rice on your sock
she loves you.

That speaks volumes, doesn't it?  Just letting you inside the kitchen is a big step.  

For channeling William Carlos Williams' knack for imagery and reminding me that I should read some more poetry, I hereby nominate Christy to the Kimchi Mamas Honor Roll.

Here is Christy reading "My Son Runs in Riots":

More of Christy's poetry can be found at her blog, Tsunamee.  Really, really good stuff there.

Teaching Kids Korean - how to resolve different opinions?

I have not and am not planning to teach my kids a lot of Korean. I am not ruling it out. If they have interest, I am happy to teach them in the future or enroll them in Korean school. You know, the dreaded Saturday classes?

BUT, I am having some internal struggles on how to reply when my parents or my MIL ask about this subject. They want my children to know Korean. Especially my dad and mom since they don't speak a lick of English. My MIL, even though she lives in Korea, actually has learned English a bit and can converse decently, so she has not yet been insistant on requesting that her grandsons know Korean but I feel the question coming in the near future.

I don't see my parents or talk to them often, so that kind of helps... but it seems like almost every time I do see my dad, one of the things he says is, "You should teach your kids Korean." My response so far has been either 1. no response or 2. the docile "neh" meaning something like "yes" or "sure."

Open Thread Thursday - Almost Friday Fodder . . .

I am a HUGE fan of the PostSecret site! And as I Korean immigrant whose parents seemed to always have (family, past, etc.) secrets, I find PostSecret to be a really neat idea about how just releasing the secret really frees you from the binds of the secret...

Anyhow, I saw this on last week's (11/5/11) secrets and immediately thought about posting it here on Kimchi Mamas. Though I can't read what is written in hangul, I definitely can relate to what is written in English.

And I also think that's another thing that makes PostSecret so neat: almost no matter what a person's secret is, someone out there shares it, too.

It's been a long time folks, it's OPEN THREAD THURSDAY - what's on YOUR mind?

--Angie in Texas is glad to be back in the blogosphere!

 

 

 

 

Marital Status and Gender in Korean Family Words

My last post got me thinking... marital status and gender are so important in Korean culture, relative to U.S. of American culture. In Migook (Beautiful Country - the Korean word for USA), how you are addressed by the members of your family doesn't really change when you get married and doesn't depend on your gender. In Korea, it changes a lot when a person gets married. Likewise, what you call another person depends a lot on gender, both of the one being called upon, and the one doing the calling.

1. A woman sometimes calls her boyfriend "oppa" (older brother, older male friend) when they are dating, but after marriage, the use of the term "oppa" to call your husband is generally not promoted. One is encouraged to use the word yobo or jaghi instead. If you called your husband oppa in front of your in-laws, you might get a "look" from your MIL or a stern scolding from you FIL. But some in laws might be OK with it too...

What IS the right way to ask....

You know what question I'm talking about! Some of the wrong ways to ask are:

1. Where are you from?

2. Where are your parents from?

3. Where were you born?

4. Where were your parents born?

5. Where did you grow up?

6. Were you born here?

7. What nationality are you?

8. Are you Chinese?

9. I love sushi! (Wait, that's not a question!)

10. What language do you speak at home?

11. Ni hao ma? (Wo hen hao.)