Kimchi Mamas

Time of My Own

Growing up as an immigrant kid, I watched my parents struggle a lot. They worked painfully long, labor-intensive hours, often more than 14 hours a day with no real breaks, six days a week. They could never catch up on their sleep and had no time to spare. I remember their exhaustion stretching out like a rope of molten glass, drooping from its own weight, threatening to crack with the passage of time.

As a teenager, I tried as much as I could to help. I cooked dinner, washed the laundry, cleaned the house, helped out at their store. And I was hyper-aware that I should never impose on their time. I remember one time I returned to law school after a visit home. I accidentally left something behind at my parents', perhaps a watch. When I mentioned it to my roommate, she casually suggested that I just call my parents and ask them to send it. I thought her suggestion absurd. No, that's not possible, I said to her.

But more than with regard to time, I knew I should never impose on them emotionally. We weren't an emotionally open family to begin with. But the idea of bringing my personal issues into the household, where my parents' stress already stretched out the seams of our family fabric precariously, was unthinkable. When their frustration and unhappiness started to swell and they started unfurling their anger at each other, we just quietened our breaths and sagged against the cold, desolate walls.

I learned to be accommodating. To figure out a way to help quietly. To identify the areas of need so that I could find a way to fill them. I took it upon myself to play that role. I had to help us. I was the only one who could do something. There was no one else.

Announcing the next KM Book Club Selection: Honolulu by Alan Brennert

Hi, Kimchi Mamas!

Hope everyone is having a fantabulous summer so far.

I am happy to announce July's book club selection, Honolulu by Alan Brennert.  This one was suggested to me by none other than Amazon.com's greatest recommendation-guessing robots, but from the synopsis alone, it sounds right up our alley.  I'm always curious to read books told through a woman's point of view but written by a man.  Sometimes it can be amazing (She's Come Undone is a notable example).

If you're interested in joining us, please comment below, and I will open up a discussion thread on Saturday, July 27th!  Can't wait to hear from you guys!

Mahalo,
Julie

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Book Description:

From the bestselling author of the “dazzling historical saga” (The Washington Post), Moloka’i, comes the irresistible story of a young immigrant bride in a ramshackle town that becomes a great modern city 

“In Korea in those days, newborn girls were not deemed important enough to be graced with formal names, but were instead given nicknames, which often reflected the parents’ feelings on the birth of a daughter:  I knew a girl named Anger, and another called Pity.  As for me, my parents named me Regret.”

Honolulu is the rich, unforgettable story of a young “picture bride” who journeys to Hawai'i in 1914 in search of a better life.

Instead of the affluent young husband and chance at an education that she has been promised, she is quickly married off to a poor, embittered laborer who takes his frustrations out on his new wife. Renaming herself Jin, she makes her own way in this strange land, finding both opportunity and prejudice. With the help of three of her fellow picture brides, Jin prospers along with her adopted city, now growing from a small territorial capital into the great multicultural city it is today.  But paradise has its dark side, whether it’s the daily struggle for survival in Honolulu’s tenements, or a crime that will become the most infamous in the islands’ history...

With its passionate knowledge of people and places in Hawai'i far off the tourist track, Honolulu is most of all the spellbinding tale of four women in a new world, united by dreams, disappointment, sacrifices, and friendship. 

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A Culinary Tour of Koreatown with Anthony Bourdain and a Couple Bros

Episode Two of "Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown," a new show on CNN that promises to "take you to exotic global destinations through Bourdain's unique lens," featured Los Angeles' Koreatown last week:

 

Anthony hung out with two famous Korean American "bad boys": Roy Choi of Kogi foodtruck fame and David Choe, street artist and newly-minted multimillionaire.  Roy and David took Anthony on a culinary tour of K-town, including surprising stops at Sizzler and Jollibee, as well as profiling their families' compelling stories.  Roy even gave an excellent breakdown of the 1992 LA Riots from the Korean community's point of view, a viewpoint that is not often explained so poignantly on mainstream media.

I really enjoyed the show, being a fan of all three gentlemen, and feeling more and more proud as they introduced Anthony to each new beloved haunt: the glories of Beverly Soon Tofu, the rohsu gui at Dong Il Jang, and this amazing-looking dumpling place called Myung In Dumplings which I now have made my life's goal to find and set up camp in.  The Koreatown they showed him was sexy, delicious, laid-back, and rife with gorgeous examples of the ever-fabled melting pot.  

One stick in my craw was the lack of a strong female Korean American voice.  David Choe's mom was featured quite heavily, which I appreciated, but if he's looking for "bad Koreans," he would have benefitted from getting to know some Korean renegade riot girls too!  I personally would have loved to have taken Anthony around Galleria market, fed him gamja tang, haemul jungol, and soondae, and drink him under the table at the noraebang!  Maybe next time, bro!

--Julie

Intimate Partner Violence

Today I attended a conference about intimate partner violence (IPV), or domestic violence (DV). It was the 10th anniversary celebration of some sorts. I don't work directly in the field but my work partners with the folks who do the work.

Why am I writing this post on the Kimchi Mamas blog? First because it's near and dear to my heart and second because Korean women (and their children, wives of Korean men, women of all color, and even some men) continue to be victims of intimate partner violence. I want to do my part to help it stop.

I learned today that IPV is complicated. I knew that but I think I still had some amount of judgement deep within me. It really is not as simple as "Why don't you just leave?"

The facts are that most women do end abusive relationships. It takes an average of 5 - 7 years and many attempts before she leaves, but still, she does leave. These women are resilient and should be commended for their resiliency.

I also learned that children who witness domestic violence can be scarred for life. I mean, I kind of knew that from personal experience. The worst thing that my dad did was get a knife from the kitchen and threaten to kill my mom and us. I think I partially blocked this from memory but I remember that knife vividly. I was very young. What I didn't know is that children's brain development can actually be affected by witnessing IPV and that they can get post traumatic stress disorder as well. And most of us probably also know that there is a cycle of violence. Children from violent homes grow up to either become abusers or victims themselves. 

At the conference today, one of the speakers shared a training video that all police officers have to watch. They were pictures and voice recordings of actual victims. As soon as they started playing the 911 calls from children, I had to leave the room because I could not control my emotions. As a mom, it just hit a nerve that never was there before.

Open Thread Thursday

Secret marriage (and divorce) and (possibly racist?) review of Please Look After Mom.

What's on your mind today?

 

- Kimchi mamas

Postsecret . . . Open Discussion

I saw this on the 2/13/2011 postsecret.com.

What are your thoughts?

 

--Angie in Texas "marr[ied] a white man."

Marital Status and Gender in Korean Family Words

My last post got me thinking... marital status and gender are so important in Korean culture, relative to U.S. of American culture. In Migook (Beautiful Country - the Korean word for USA), how you are addressed by the members of your family doesn't really change when you get married and doesn't depend on your gender. In Korea, it changes a lot when a person gets married. Likewise, what you call another person depends a lot on gender, both of the one being called upon, and the one doing the calling.

1. A woman sometimes calls her boyfriend "oppa" (older brother, older male friend) when they are dating, but after marriage, the use of the term "oppa" to call your husband is generally not promoted. One is encouraged to use the word yobo or jaghi instead. If you called your husband oppa in front of your in-laws, you might get a "look" from your MIL or a stern scolding from you FIL. But some in laws might be OK with it too...

Korean versus Western

It's crunch time here in Texas . . .

It's been a whirlwind courtship.  From a March meeting, to a May proposal and now an October wedding. But the rest of our lives . . .

(photos after the jump)

Email from my "Aunty Jo"

Much like Stefania, I also have a relative who sends me random emails...  It's not my mom (she doesn't even know the alphabet) but my aunt (gomo). Here is my Aunty Jo's email of the week.

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To: Mary

From: Aunty Jo

Subject: Fw: UCLA STUDY 

UCLA Study (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is In her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

Aunty Jo

Your Realtor for life

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=)

It got a chuckle out of me...

- Mary

A Source of Shame

Communication is one of the things, if not THE ONE thing, that make a marriage work.  I’d like to think I’ve learned from my first marriage – and preparing for the second one has made me more aware of the critical role communication plays in a successful marriage.

Recently we’ve been communicating about . . .