Kimchi Mamas

How is your relationship with you parents?

As a 1.5 generation Korean woman, I am finding my relationship with my parents rather superficial. I'm kind of estranged from my mother at the moment, and my father lives about 300 miles away and I barely see him once a year. I find myself wondering, what is a "normal" Korean child-to-parent relationship when the children are all grown up?

From what I see, I see either super codependent Korean children who seek their parents approval of everything, even their choice in career and spouse, or I see super independent offspring who don't give a shit what their parents say. I'm kind of the latter, if you couldn't tell already. I mean, I don't really not give a shit... I want them to be proud of me, of course, but I don't consult my parents advice about what to do about X, or how I should handle Y. Maybe that's what they WANT me to do, and since I don't do it... that's the cause of our "bad" relationship?

Book Review - To Be Sung Underwater by Tom McNeal

Disclaimer: I got a free copy of this book to review.

I recently finished reading To Be Sung Underwater by Tom McNeal. The book tells the story of Judith Whitman, a film editor who lives a posh life in Los Angeles but has may doubts about her life. Doubts about her relationship with her husband, doubts about her abilities as a mother, and doubts about her first love whom she left behind in Nebraska when she got accepted into Stanford.

The book is beautifully written but I found Judith to be unlikeable. I found her to be vain, selfish, and self-centered, not really giving a sh*t about her daughter or her husband and shrugging off her responsibilities to go off to meet her long lost love. Her husband seemed like a prick, and her daughter seemed spoiled.

Death and Literacy

I just finished reading Please Look After Mom by Shin Kyung-Sook. It's one of a few Korean books that I've read that's been translated from Korean into English. I think I've actually read more books in Korean. This one was conveniently available to me at the local library and after reading this racist review, I had to check it out for myself. I tried to get a Korean version of it in Garden Grove this past weekend but it was sold out!

The book was a quick weekend read. I did not find myself crying or feeling guilty about mistreating my mom. Rather, I found myself being drawn into the life of this woman who got lost in the city.

(spoiler alert)

Father School

Oh my goodness, you HAVE TO read this article in the New York Times about an emotional bootcamp of sorts for Korean men of our parents' generation.

I burst into tears when I read the last couple paragraphs.  I wish I could go back in time and make this compulsory for all first generation husbands and fathers...how many awkward or broken relationships would this have mended?

Have any of you ever heard of Father School before today?  I cannot believe this is the first I have heard of this, especially since it's based right next to my hometown!

And while I'm here, I wish you all a very happy Mother's Day!!!!  Whether it's your first or your fiftieth, it's always nice to see your kids try to show their appreciation (or at least get some brunch buffet).

Love,
Julie 

Update: Eagle-eyed reader Karen sent me this link to a more in-depth article from Koream Magazine written a couple years ago. 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Recent conversations, FB status updates and varying degrees of parent status of fellow parent friends have me wondering about the great myth of “the light at the end of the tunnel.”

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I don’t know what’s in the water, but I have what seems to be a lot girlfriends who are expecting in the upcoming months.  All of them are looking for the light at the end of [their] tunnel.  (*I apologize for the crude joke . . .) Some have spent a blissful 6, 7, 8, or 9 months of pregnancy; others have suffered swelling, nausea, and “tummy issues” for 4, 5, or 6 months; while others have had a combination of both the sweet and the sour.

Then there are my mother-in-arms who have infants and toddlers.  The tantrums, sleepless nights, crying, screaming and disciplining.  And those are just the parents… Their light at the end of the tunnel comes down to wanting a semi-regular schedule, a little person they can reason with without the tears (mom's or child's) and maybe getting into the shower before 2:30 in the afternoon or eating a hot meal that does not include partially chewed-on rice and ghim rolls.

There are my parent pals who have school-aged children. The light at the end of their tunnel is blocked by soccer/basketball/t-ball/baseball practice schedules, music lessons, language school, Sunday school/CCD, gymnastics, endless birthday parties/slumber parties and ensuring their well-roundedness as responsible, compassionate members of a global community on top of burgeoning school assignments and other academic pressures.

And of course there are the tween/teens.  Changing bodies, changing voices . . . changing smells(?!).  Hormones, tantrums, sleepless nights, crying, screaming and disciplining (it’s infants and toddlers re-do but super-sized!). New fears about sex[ting], drugs and rock and roll in the car while driving… Where has the child who used to fit in your lap gone? And who replaced him/her with this giant, taller-than-mom, locust eating his/her way through this week’s groceries in 3 day’s time?  The light at the end of the tunnel is a well-rounded child who will take their place in our world and a fridge that’s no longer raided by marauding teenage school-band gangs . . .

But alas, then it’s onto young adulthood.  You’d think watching your son/daughter get through college, medical an/or law school (Tiger Mom moment) and develop their place in our world would be the light at the end of the tunnel . . . Instead, it’s the time to see your offspring become the adult you always knew was in there, meet and fall in love with someone who makes them happy . . . and then observe as you watch them journey through their search for the light at the end of their tunnels.

--Angie in Texas knows not all tunnels are dark . . .

Kimchi Mama Honor Roll: Lt. Dan Choi

I've had my eye on Lt. Dan Choi for a long time.  A West Point graduate and Iraq war veteran with a specialty in Arabic language, he ignited an intense national debate over the ethics of Don't Ask Don't Tell when he publicly came out of the closet on "The Rachel Maddow Show."  He was the first Arabic linguist to be discharged from the military during the Obama administration under Don't Ask Don't Tell, but quickly re-enlisted to fight another war: the war for social justice and equality in the military.

And it turns out that Lt. Choi's own Kimchi Mama played a role in all this by doing what Korean moms do best: nagging him about marrying a Korean girl and making Korean babies.  She nagged him so much, in fact, he said: “I am not going to marry a Korean girl, nor am I going to marry a white girl.  I am gay, and I was born that way, and I tried to pray the gay away.” (source: Iowa Independent)  Once he came out to his parents, coming out to the rest of the world was easy by comparison.

And now, less than two years since he uttered the words "I am gay" on television, Don't Ask Don't Tell has been repealed by the Senate. In response, Lt. Choi released a statement:

President Obama, you are not off the hook. The compromise bill passed today puts the moral imperative squarely on your desk. Sign an executive order instituting a full non-discrimination policy throughout the military. If you do not, if you drag your feet and politicize this with your theoretical calculations as you have these past two years, you will be guilty of abetting those who loudly proclaim homophobia from their platforms and pulpits. Provide them no shelter or safe haven. Institute justice now.

Wow, right?  Them's fightin' words: fearless, passionate, and intelligent.  

Lt.Choi's accomplishments both as a soldier and as a civil rights leader are too manifold to list individually here, but let me just say that for the West Point grad, Arabic linguist, infantry soldier, church-going, justice-fighting, and darn handsome young man he is, he is pure Korean mom swooning material, and therefore the inaugural member of the Kimchi Mama Honor Roll!

Lt. Choi, as the Koreans say, FIGHTING!!!  We heard you are currently in the hospital, so we wish you a quick recovery back to health so you can return to what you do best: fighting the good fight!

Additional Source: http://ltdanchoi.com/

Extreme Makeover: Kimchi Edition

We all know how hectic life gets after your first, second, or eighth son is born, and being the selfless women we are, we often let our femininity fall by the wayside.  If I had a 100-won for every time I left the house with bedhead and no make-up, I'd be able to buy a 5th Gucci purse.  Sigh.

However, although I hardly ever wear make-up anymore, people are always so curious to know how I preserve my creamy Asian skin.  At least that's what I think they want to know, because they can't keep their hands off of it!  Well, the key word is preserve.  Let me explain.

We all know how delicious kimchi is, especially when eaten with a steaming bowl of lice, I mean, rice.  But did you know that the microorganisms responsible for making this cabbage-y concoction so delectable can also help you fill in those fine lines and wrinkles?  That's right!  The Fountain of Youth has been in hiding in your refrigerator this whole time!  At least that explains the smell.

Introducing...Kimchi Beauty Face!!!

Free picture collage personalized with Smilebox

For flawless skin, I recommend 2 cups of kimchi applied to your face weekly.  Feel free to try out different kinds of kimchi too!  I've found that buchu kimchi is great for minimizing pores, and kkakdugi also works for all-natural hair removal.  Don't ask me how I know that.  Let's just say I haven't had to get a Brazilian ever since.

Double Happiness Beauty Good Luck To YOU!!!

Warning: The actions depicted and/or described in this post are potentially dangerous, yet delicious. Julie is an experienced fermentationary professional. Results (and beauty) like Julie's are not guaranteed to everyone. Avoid the eye area.  Always wear the appropriate safety gear.

Cross-posted on Kimchi Mamas!

Love at First Sight

Love at first sight... is what I felt the moment I laid eyes on Kim Yu-na (김연아).

 

Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

Mesmerized was what I was... during both of her performances... I think even my 3 year old son was crushing on her.

Hands down, she was the highlight of the 2010 Winter Olympics for me. Way to go Yu-na! 

This Kimchi mama (+ the rest of the world) loves you.  

You make me a little more proud to be Korean and I sure hope that all of your endorsements (she's the highest paid in endorsements among all celebrities in South Korea) help close the largest gender income gap in the developed world.  (Thank you Hyon Bin for the heads up about the great article!)

- Mary is a little sad that the Olympics are over and still a little pissed about all of South Korea's missed metal opportunities in short track. *sigh*

Summer Camp in the Motherland

My in-laws live in Seoul and visit us about once a year. Our relationship is fraught and complicated, but (hopefully) improving with time. Regardless, they love our two sons and I know they try their best to be good to us.

When my first son was three months old and I was returning to school to finish my last quarter of undergrad, my mother-in-law pretty much offered to take him to Korea with her for the next three months. She was worried I wouldn't be able to handle a baby and school. I, on the other hand, was so appalled at the very suggestion of living an ocean apart from my infant for three months that, in my shock, I blurted out rudely, "I would never do that!"

Fast forward a few years and now we have two sons who are four and nearly two. Every visit, my in-laws drop hints that in a few years they expect us to send the kids to Korea for the summer to stay with them. I know that, as much as they want to spend time with the children, they also think of this as a generous way of giving us a much-needed break. But, much as my reaction to my mother-in-law's initial offer so ungraciously showed, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea. As much as I think that spending a summer (or summers) in Korea would be a wonderful experience for my kids, I still can't imagine sending them anywhere without me. I can barely leave them overnight at my parents' house when Yubo and I manage to plan a night away for necessary romantic purposes. And not just because I miss them, but because they seem insecure and overly irritable for days afterward.

Is this just me being overprotective and overly attached? Perhaps. But, to be honest, I'm comfortable with that. Even if the idea of a whole summer without the kids is mildly tempting (freedom!), I'd still much rather spend that time with them than without them. And as someone who tries to practice attachment parenting, I have a hard time believing that young children benefit from being away from their parents for extended periods of time. I know that there are plenty of Korean American kids (including some of my friends growing up) who spent summers with relatives in Korea and they turned out fine blah blah blah, but I'm still not sold on the idea.

아줌마 (Ajumma)

When I was in college, I had a bet going with my friends, a bet I would almost always win.  If we were attending a party or other gathering that required me to introduce myself to new people, inevitably one or more of those people would mention how much they loved Margaret Cho and thought she was SO funny.

WTF, right?  I look nothing like her.  And these weren't just your typical ignorant folk either; somehow the magic combination being Korean and overweight and funny made people make the connection.  I probably should have been flattered.

Regardless, I resented the hell out of it, not because I didn't like Margaret Cho's comedy or her philosophies, in fact I consider myself a fan.   However, I think everyone likes to believe that they are a unique little snowflake in this world, and that there is room in people's hearts for more than one outspoken, witty Korean woman.  But no, my chances of fame are forever dashed because she came first!  Why are the fates so cruel!  I raise my fist to the heavens and cry, MORAAAAAAN!!!

Anyway, I was reminded of this today when I asked my husband in a husky, too-eager voice, "TIM!!!  I made an awesome kimchi jjigae, take a picture!"

Then a warning buzzer rang in my head: uh oh, I just loved my own cooking.  That is #4 in Stuff Korean Moms Like.  I am no longer Margaret Cho.  I'm Margaret Cho's MOM.  I am officially an ajumma, a visor-wielding, self-medicating matron.  Oh well, at least now I get to talk smack about you in front of your face while I polish my Corningware.

While we're on the subject, here is Margaret Cho on being a Korean American role model (warning: bad words), which is ironically very much similar to my views on being a Korean American: